Like the guy who got sucked into the engine in the first episode of Lost. If you go like this, you know it wasnt meant to be.

Marion "Suge" Knight almost succumbed to this fate just a few weeks ago, and for him that would have been especially scandalous, considering his affected-gangsta rep.

Getting your head cut off by a helicopter while acting in a shitty movie. Actually, three people died. Two of them were six-year old siblings. But hey- we all learned a lesson about racism, didnt we?

There certain products in which price should not be an object. Shit tickets are one of them. The USSR crumbled for a lack of two-ply, you know.

I'm not talking about those guys who fish for sword fish in the middle of the ice-cold ocean. Those guys are born-again hard (to quote Gunnery Sergeant Hartman). I am talking about recreational fishing. I read a story about a guy in Europe a few years ago who had hooked some big ole fish while sitting on the beach somewhere. He refused to let the beast go and it dragged him out into knee-deep water. His last words before being pulled under and drowned by an animal without arms, legs, any discernable weapons, and a big hook in it's mouth: "I got 'em now!" The fish was never found. How humiliating.

And why are you taking Viagra anyway? With all the unattainable pussy in the world, the day a man stops getting erections ought to be a day for celebration.

It becomes even more embarrassing when your survivors have to shell out an extra couple of grand for a special, double-wide casket.

It says something about your parenting skills when one, or both, of your offspring takes an Easton to your skull. And yes, its your fault if it happens.

Youre not the impoverished victims of Katrina. Youre just some rich ass-wipe who built a house in a stupid place. I don't want to see your fucking sad face on TV asking for help if you happen to survive either. Buy a house on solid ground, you fucking megalomaniac.

At least Len Bias and Don Rogers were killed by some good shit. You got killed by some stuff your grandma buys at Dollar General and rubs on her chaffed thighs.

Dying of fear because your Siamese twin brother just died and you're attached to his corpse . Jee-sus. This would really, really, really, really, really suck. Oh, and it's okay to call them Siamese, because Cheg and Eng were Siamese, you over-sensitive bitches.

Does anyone feel dirty after chuckling at the Gatorade commercial where the dude is wobbling and falling at the end of a triathlon like those sows with Mad Cow Disease? Me either. That shit is hilarious.

What exactly do you expect when you try to make an enormous wild animal wear a Luftwaffe helmet and ride a bicycle? Just because you have absolutely no shame or pride doesn't mean that cat doesn't have any self-respect.

And the rest of us would have to live through Jimmy Roberts smarmily melodramatacizing your stupid demise. The horror!

Terrible! Simply a terrible way to die! A hundred people died, and they didnt even get to hear Once Bitten, Twice Shy!

There are two things that should never come near your bare ball sack: a baby and a blade.

So you wanted your stomach to be smaller, huh? Well, it will definitely shrink now, along with the rest of your decomposing corpse.

Theres nothing wrong with rubbing one out every now and again, and again, and again. But cutting off blood supply to the brain just to get a bigger blast out of the bishop simply contains too much risk (death by strangulation), and too little reward (ejaculating). Masturbation is too mundane an activity for these kinds of pyrotechnics. And getting discovered by your fiance hanging from a light fixture with your dick in your hand isnt quite up there with Picketts Charge on the honorable death tip; lets put it that way

Like Gigi Gestone in Season Three of The Sopranos. You could get an enema, but that sucks royally too- its like being raped without anybody feeling sorry for you afterward.

Even West Nile Virus only kills old people and kids. You have to be a real pussy to die from East Nile Virus.

The most embarrassing thing about it is that you actually own a Bowflex. Seriously, who shells out two thousand dollars for fake exercise equipment? Lift a fucking weight.

"What do you bench?"

"Dude, I am up to bending four sticks now. I can bend the shit out of those sticks."

Starving yourself to death is just plain fucking stupid. Weve only just begun to faaaast sorry.

This is all risk and no reward. It was cool the first time someone did it, and ever since it has been a total waste of time. I mean you can take fucking helicopter to the top if you want to see it so bad... and if you don't make it, you died doing something that Sherpas do as their job. Really impressive, you dickhead.

These guys couldn't hit a goddamn thing. They'd hang out the back of that sweet van and unload thousands of rounds without ever hitting anyone. If that is any representation of the ability of our armed forces in Vietnam, it is no wonder we lost. If you get shot by Hannibal, Face, Murdock, or BA, you are either extremely unlucky or the fattest evil henchmen who ever lived. In any case, we can be certain that the "A" does not stand for "Aim".

Starving to death after having been kept alive for a decade while your husband and your parents fight over whether or not to keep your useless body alive long after it doesn't work on it's own and your brain is mush, and having been exploited by every fucking news broadcast in the world. Not to mention having soulless politicians use you as pawn to gain votes from stupid fundamentalists.

As a cancer survivor, I can posit that there are few deaths more embarrassing than the kind that happens when you have a bag of piss hanging from the end of your conquistadors helmet.

and getting hit by a car because you weren't looking as you crossed the street.

Becomes even more embarrassing when everybody and their mom knows hes guilty and he walks anyway. And when Howard Stern makes jokes about it for the next decade.

You can spray all the glorified deodorant on yourself as you want, but it isn't going to get you laid. You are an idiot, and you are broke. You know how I know? Because men with jobs wear cologne.

If any single event can stop or at least slow down the degeneration of American society, it would be Carrot Tops removal from the mortal coil. His props would be funnier attached to his tombstone, too.