Since I wrote a piece on what your car says about you, I have been besieged with requests for more guidance. Does the same car always say the same thing? Is there anything I can do to change what my car says? Why do people keep laughing and pointing when they drive by, despite the fact my car is totally pimped out? Well, I have returned with the answer: accessories. The use of accessories, from bumper stickers to spinning rims, can bolster or contradict what your car says on its own. In order to keep you from being confused, heres what some popular car accessories say about you.
Sports Stripes Remember when you were eight, and you got brand new shoes, and you thought that the cool stripes on the side made you run faster? Youre not eight anymore, and you were wrong then anyway.
Splash Decorations These are almost always on a teal vehicle. Usually a Geo Tracker, driven by a girl trying to see if she can get her bangs to touch the roof of the car, or a Ford Ranger, driven by a guy in a beater with a molestache, for some reason. Either way, nobody you would want to associate with.
Kerry Sticker Look, its been almost a year. Get over it. He lost. Suck it up.
W Sticker Congratulations, your idiot won. Wipe the cheesy sticker off your car and the smug grin off your face.
College Sticker - Nobody cares where you went to school, where your kids are going to school, or where you wish you went to school. These are at best pretentious (Andrews School, Harvard, etc.), and at worst self-mocking (Trebucket Community College).
Bring the Big Man with you...
The Fishes
Jesus Fish - Probably a religious extremist on their way to go bomb an abortion clinic. Usually found on a Buick or similar rust bucket with 7 unbuckled kids bouncing around as they drive 57 in a 65 in the fast lane.
Darwin Fish These were cleverin 1989. Congratulations on being anti-establishment, just like everyone else. And good luck when the God-fearing cop pulls over your 13-year old Honda Civic, which suddenly developed a broken taillight, enabling him to search your car and find your pot stash.
Truth Fish Eating the Darwin Fish Actually quite clever. These people are more aggressive than plain old Jesus Fish people, and if you cut them off they WILL bring down the wrath of the Old Testament God on your ass.
Gefilte Fish Wait, wait, were Jewish, let us in on the Fish Fun. Fine. Why you would want in on this stilted conversation, I dont know.
Phish Fish Shut up, hippie.
No Fear Stickers/Calvin Urinating on Something Theres no might about it, you ARE a redneck if youre toting one of these. Probably on a 78 pickup truck, or a tricked out Camaro, hoping to make it home to see your cousin on Springer. Be careful passing these people, because there may be a can of Old Milwaukee flying out the drivers window at any time.
Rainbow Stickers Im very happy that youre gay and proud, but really, given your haircut or pink Miata, isnt it a little redundant?
Ribbons These are as pervasive and annoying as the SellStrong bracelets have become. If they have the Yellow one and the Red, White and Blue one, theyre quite sure that questioning the President means that you were sitting there with an erection laughing when the towers came down. All the other ones are just cheap attempts to bandwagon on the idea, and indicate a total inability to think for oneself.
C'mon, a FOCUS?
Rear View Mirror Danglers
Dice If youre driving a 57 Corvette or a 64 Impala, this is cool. Otherwise, youre a grade A tool. (Yeah, even if you think youre being cleverly ironic putting them in your 94 Escort.)
Beads Girls, you do know how you GET the beads, right? If you put a sign up in your rear window that said I show my tits for cheap plastic trinkets, Id think you were a cheap slut. Guess what youre doing? Bingo. (And guys, if youve got em up, it implies that you sleep with skank whores and you want a reminder. Were all impressed.)
Leis Might as well be a string of beads.
Dream catcher For one thing, theyre cheesy adaptations of Native American ideas regardless. But more importantly, this implies that you sleep in your car.
Pimp FX (Oversized spoilers, neon, Asian characters, bonus speedometers, etc.) You are a douche. Nobodys impressed, deal with it. I know youre excited that your car can go from the stoplight were currently stuck at to the next one a lot quicker than mine, but Im not driving back to my parents house when Im 33 either. And those big pipes of yours are just letting the cops down the highway know that youre coming at 94 miles an hour. And wow is it fun to laugh at your stupid, non-street legal ass when theyre writing you up.
So there you are, a summary of your car accessories and what they say. Feel free to ask any questions if I missed yours. Im always here to help.
Many things Posted: 8/16/2005by: Johnson, Navin R. I enjoyed this aritcle. I'm their are others out there that feel the same as me. Now I don't feel as lonely trolling through this planet filled with D-Bags.
Southern Californian has a severe problem with vanity license plates. No one but yourself cares about your nickname or profession.
As someone mentioned, jacked up trucks in pristine shape. Trucks once had a purpose other then trust-funders with shaved legs showing their manlihood and ruggedness.
Spinners, f-ing spinners. Tip: Buy your kid braces, maybe save up for their college, then spinners. So many retards Posted: 8/11/2005by: J I knew a guy I went to high school with that punctured his muffler several times in shop class (pick and hammer) to make it sound like he had a "high performance" exhaust...on his rusty 1991 Chevy S10 with that high performance 2.5L 4-banger.
I also recall seeing a full-size van belonging to a Mexican family that had naked women silhouette stickers on the front bumper with a picture of Mary hanging from their rearview mirror. Even better Posted: 8/4/2005by: Lisa This one is somehow even funnier than the first one. Hysterical! bumper stickers Posted: 8/3/2005by: b Growing up in Berkeley CA, I've come to hate the idea of bumper stickers. THey look like crap, are almost always smug, and unless there's only one of that one in existence, they just are irritating as hell once you've seen them more than twice.
My least favorite at the moment: "Dog is my Co-Pilot"
Recently, in a weak moment, I did buy this one online: "I Support the Troops More Than You Do," but I threw it away when it arrived in the mail. mufflers Posted: 8/3/2005by: Matt What about the gay-ass homo mufflers on a 90's Civic?! They sound like a wet fart and don't make the car any faster or cooler. You just look like a teenage douche bag, especially if you are in your 20's. Get a 60's musclecar if you want a loud car. What about... Posted: 8/2/2005by: Tone A dead, chopped up guido in your trunk? Those people think they're so cool. "I'm going to the quarry to dispose of a guy I killed with an iron and a fire poker because he made a joke about my hairy grandma!" We're all real impressed. Hyundai's Posted: 8/2/2005by: matt-farns You haven't seen shit until you've see a pastel-green colored mid-90's Hyundai Excel with 5-point seat-belt harnesses. Why the hell would you need racing seat belts for a car with 90hp? Has anyone seen Posted: 8/2/2005by: matt the nuts hanging from the raised jeeps or trucks? (whic are always spotless) They even have them with pubes on it, fucking disturbing, I imagine next they will have big gaping hatchet wounds for miata's or bugs. Or maybe a small dick for H2.
I have to agree with the tassel form the rearview. If you graduated more then a week ago, fucking take it off. While your at it why don't you just put some finger paintings in the windshield you did when you were in kindergarten and maybe your Iowa test scores in the back windshield. palm trees Posted: 8/2/2005by: Laura What about the air fresheners? They dangle from the rear view too. They are usually picked according to scent, but what about those people who leave them up there forever just to have a cute little palm tree dangling from their rear view?? Mudflaps Posted: 8/2/2005by: 2xMartini First, it's nice to see people posting additional funny comments instead of bitching at each other over who sucks worse.
What about the truck chumps that sport the mudflaps with the chrome bikini chicks on them. Does anyone out there know if someone is actually getting laid with this shtick? And, WTF is with the "tough guy" Ford F350 truck that is in pristine shape and immaculately clean. What happened to rumbling through the muddy construction site and dropping railroad ties from 30 feet into the bed to show how manly the truck is? That shit's a really expensive small-dick compensator.
