 | Hellen Keller! What the fuck, guys? |
In 1999 the US Department of Treasury launched the 50 State Quarters Program which honors each state in the Union with its very own Quarter. For some states choosing a design posed quite the dilemma. States like California (California Condor) and New York (Statue of Liberty) have so much cool shit to choose from that it must have been hard to decide. For other one-trick pony states like Indiana (an Indy car) and Kentucky (a racehorse) it was probably a no-brainer. Even the most useless states like Iowa (lame-ass school house) and West Virginia (some stupid bridge) came up with something that at the very least didnt make the state look any shittier than it did before. Then theres Ala-fucking-bama!
The top minds from across the state got together and decided that the most fitting symbol to represent their state was none other than Helen Keller. Helen fucking Keller. Nothing against her, but what does it say about your state when its most distinguished citizens greatest achievement was being forced to learn how to communicate with the outside world. You stupid fucking rednecks! How did it come to this?
Alabamas Governor: OK, listen up people. We need a symbol for our state Quarter that captures the essence of our citizens, history, and culture. So put down your moonshine & grits and get to it!
Top Aid: Uh, how about a blind, deaf mute?
Alabamas Governor: Bingo! Now crank up the Skynyrd while I cook up some Meth for the NASCAR rally. Robert E. Lee was a great man. Im so poor and illiterate.
As the cheap joke written above demonstrates, Alabama, and the South in general, already has to contend with enough in the way of negative, mostly undeserving, stereotypes. Being compared to Helen Keller, with all her preexisting jokes (so you can read her lips; youd be sad too if your name was ararhahrgahaghgraghagr), is just going to add to Alabamas image problems. Not to mention the fact that she wouldnt have been blind, deaf, or mute had she been born in good state, or at least one that wasnt a scarlet fever-ridden hellhole. Is that something Alabama wants to publicize? What the fuck, guys?
A lot of people are going to say Hey asshole, Helen Keller is a stirring symbol of overcoming adversity. Granted, overcoming adversity is something Alabamans probably need to learn about, since they have to live in Alabama. But surely there were other stirring symbols of humanity that that could have been chosen. A quick trip to wikipedia.orgs list of famous Alabamans brings up lots of great candidates. If its inspiration you want, why not Jesse Fuck Hitler Owens? Why not Hank Babe Ruth was a pussy Aaron? Why not Rosa Ill sit where ever the fuck I want Parks? Oh, wait. Alabama. Never mind.
 | In Birmingham they love the govner... |
And when it comes right down to it, what did the woman accomplish?
Well, she learned to read Braille and write! Pretty impressive for a blind, deaf mute.
Bullshit. Her movie isnt called the Miracle Worker because she taught herself to read. Anne Sullivan, her teacher, was the miracle worker. If anybody should be on the fucking quarter it should be her. She taught a blind, deaf mute to read and write, for Christs sake! Nobody fawns like an idiot over the people Jesus miraculously cured. They give props to the J-man himself. So why does Helen Keller get to hog Anne Sullivans limelight? What a fucking sham!
But what about all the books she wrote? Thats pretty impressive!
Big fucking deal. The only way she could communicate with the outside world was by writing things down. Its pretty easy to write a book when you have to write a paragraph every time you want to take a dump. Its like being impressed by a Polock who eats Pierogi or a crack head whos good with a lighter. Its what they do.
 | Hellen Keller (right) meets Leaf Erikson (left) in hell. |
Now if she had written a graphic novel, even one that was kind of shitty, that would have been fucking impressive. But she didnt. Maybe her story was inspiring to people in 1902, but in todays world where exploding alligators are fighting with pythons and homosexuals have the potential to knock up Katie Holmes, that shit just aint gonna cut it. By the way, what was your favorite book by Helen Keller? Exactly.
Of course some of the Western states havent yet released their quarter designs, so maybe this is a little premature. But unless Idaho picks the Aryan Nation compound, or Wyoming chooses Matthew Shepherds death fence, I dont think anything is going to top Alabamas choice. Way to go Alabama. Youve lowered the bar yet again.
Note: When you are done trashing the article, why not list some other shitty state quarters, or even Hellen Keller jokes?
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