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Ugh!!!!
Puberty is no picnic. I don’t care who you are. It’s an ordeal and an absolute nightmare when it occurs. You are the most socially vulnerable you will ever be in your life and your body decides that this would be the best time to mutate. Periods and boners, hair and sweat in places even your bar of Dial dares not visit. But just imagine having to go through all of that on TV. I have a certain sympathy for those who were in their most mutant phase of puberty while they were on TV. Sure, they had the benefit of being a TV star but, some of these poor kids devolved into wretched oddballs for a while in full view of America. Some even stayed that way!
Tina Yothers AKA Jennifer (Family Ties): At the tender age of 9, she was a cute tomboyish girl-next-door type. Some seven years later, at the end of the series, puberty had rendered her monstrous. A big face with even bigger hair. She is now the front woman for a band called “Jaded” and has grown out of this obliviously awkward stage a little. Still though, her name alone congers up images of her seen here at the peak of puberty, and it makes my boner cringe.
Mayim Bialik AKA Blossom (Blossom): Puberty or not, she had one of the most punchable faces on TV. I have a hard time believing that strangers didn’t throw this birld looking girl bread crumbs whenever she was in a park. BTW:A Google image search on her last name bought up more than one pornagraphic picture for me. Is "Bialik" the new "Bukkake"
Andrea Barber AKA Kimmy Gibler (Full House): I truly pitied this girl. She was wirey, she was gangly, and her persona was absolutely annoying. She was so repugnant that I’m sure Dave Coulier could only bring himself to finger bang her. Yeah right! I’m sure old Dave sand bagged her plenty of times. But seriously, this puberty train wreck could soften the dick of a pedophile on a playground.
Jodi Sweetin AKA Stephanie Tanner (Full House): Probably just as big a puberty calamity as “Kimmy”. However, since Andrea Barber had a seven-year jump on Jodi, there was just no comparison. I’m sure Dave Coulier just beat off in the shower with her a few times.
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen AKA Michele Tanner (Full House) I’m still shaking my head trying to figure out how these two mutant frogs became the tour de force that they are today. Hats off to you two ladies.
Danny Pintauro AKA Jonathan (Who’s the Boss): I don’t subscribe to the belief that things make people gay, but some think Danny became gay after his public fray with puberty. Personally I think it was the constant sexual advances from Katherine Helmond (Mona) or the mere sight of Tony Danza and Judith Light in bed together. Of course, to the credit of the producers, if you are going hire a puberty aged actor to be co-stars with Alyssa Milano, you better make him gay. Otherwise you’d be taking boner breaks ever 15 minutes. “Bulge in the shot!”
Taran Noah Smith AKA Mark Taylor (Home Improvement): None of the boys on "Home Improvement" got away scot-free from the old puberty bug, but poor Taran seemed to be the biggest cataclysm of them all. I think someone’s pituitary gland needed “More Power” grunt grunt grunt.
Jonathan Taylor ThomasAKA Randy Taylor (Home Improvement): Luckily for him, he stopped growing when he was 10 years old. Still though, those Oak Ridge Boys haircuts he and his "brothers" had for the majority of the series didn’t help in his fight against preadolescence.
Zachery Ty Bryan AKA Brad Taylor (Home Improvement): Seeing as I listed the other two, I might as well throw all the Taylor clan in here. Nice Soccer Mullet.
Jaleel White AKA Steve Urkel (Family Matters): Granted that he played the proverbial nerd “Urkel”, he still somehow managed to appear painfully awkward. I know America would have tuned in if Carl snapped and put six slugs in the back of Steve’s head, putting him out of his misery.
Keshia Knight Pulliam AKA Rudy Huxtable (Cosby Show): This is a classic example of puberty rendering an actor utterly useless. In 1989, at the horrific age of 10, producers brought in Raven Simone to replace Keshia as “the cute kid”. Too young to somehow scrape her way onto “A Different World” and too old to be considered remotely cute, poor Keshia would spend the rest of series as a virtual Black Jan Brady. At least Vanessa started off ugly and stayed that way. BTW: Do an image search on her. You'll be surprised how moderately Hot she is now.Damn Rudy! Looking Fine!
Jeremy Miller AKA Ben Seaver (Growing Pains): This kid was replaced as “the cute kid” too, and for good reason. He was one of the most awkward-looking debacles of puberty around. He donned a pencil-thin high school mustache and a mullet that couldn’t decide if it belonged to a “Keytarist” or a “Magician”. If I was a producer on this show, I’d have killed off old Ben Seaver around season four or five. No need to have a walking billboard for Clearacil on the show. Considering how many fat jokes they wrote for anorexic Tracy Gold, I doubt they would be too torn up about killing Ben off.
Danny Bonaduce AKA Danny Partridge (Partridge Family): This kid looked like a tattoo artist or, at the very least, some kind of deranged carny. It made perfect sense that he should be the bass player, though. He looked like a bass player. Good call, producers.
Josie Davis AKA Sarah Powell (Charles in Charge): Not terrible as far as puberty goes, but when your co-star is a then-preteen Nicole Eggert, you might as well have leprosy of the crotch.
Ben Savage AKA Cory Mathews (Boy Meets World) His bout with puberty was not all that destructive though. I think I am just holding a grudge because he got to be with Topanga. Ahhhhh sweet sweet Topanga. Fuck you Ben Savage! Fuck you in YOUR FACE!
Melissa Gilbert AKA Laura Wilder (Little House on the Prairie): What happens when you zap an ugly kid with the puberty gun? You get a case of the fuglies. At least she is not as bad as her sister Sara, who always looked like she was going through puberty. Still does.
Michael Fishman AKA DJ Conner (Rosanne) He looked like the bastard offspring of the Amish. Why did the producers subject these kids to keeping the hairstyles they had when they were eight?
Erin Moran AKA Joanie Cunningham (Happy Days) Kids can be cute even when they are not that pretty. Adults? Not so much.
Neil Patrick Harris AKA Doogie Howser(Doogie Houser MD) I was going to list Vinnie Delpino, but he was roughly 40 years old when this show started in 1989.
Fred Savage AKA Kevin Arnold (Wonder Years) I guess since the show was called the Wonder Years, seeing him mutate each week was fairly expected. Still though, how did this midget ball of hormones manage to bag Winnie? You know it’s not saying much when you are considered the “Cute” Savage brother either.
Josh Saviano AKA Paul (Wonder Years) This just wasn’t right to see. I can’t believe this sort of thing was on display. Are you surprised there was a rumor he might have been Marilyn Manson?
Mike Lookinland AKA Bobby Brady (Brady Bunch) His adult teeth came in early and his head seemed to be growing disproportionately at an alarming rate. Good for him the show got the axe right around the time his hormones would have reached critical mass.
Frankie Muniz AKA Malcolm (Malcolm in the Middle) Somewhere between my Dog Skip and Agent Cody Banks this kid’s body melted worse then Cobra Commander in the microwave rendering everything that was once cute annoying.
Honorable Mention:
Gary Coleman AKA Arnold Drumond(Different Strokes) I'm not sure if he went through puberty or not. My heart says he did but my eyes tell me something went dreadfully wrong.
Shane Sweet: AKA Seven (Married with Children) Not really a puberty case but this is by far the greatest cast move I have ever seen a show make. Introduced to the show in 1992, he appeared briefly in several episodes as “Seven”, providing one or two quick jokes and not much else. At the beginning of the next season, he was gone. And how did they explain it? Kelly asked “Where’s seven?” and Peg said “I don’t know” this was followed with a close up of a carton of Milk showing his picture on it. Beneath it was labeled “Missing”. He was never so much as mentioned again. Superb!
- Keisha Knight Pulliam is simply a Nubian queen these days.
- Ben Seaver looks like Dahmer.
- Small omission- that asshole from Married With Children, who was also a HORRIBLE fucking actor.
Nice fucking job, Fath.
Jim
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Posted: 11/17/2005 2:51:41 AM
I can't believe I forgot Frankie Muniz. I'll add him tomorrow morning.
sd
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Posted: 11/17/2005 3:59:56 AM
this is the first article that i have read here in a while that made me laugh out loud. nice work.
Eric
WOW!
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Posted: 11/17/2005 5:02:16 AM
Rudy Huxtable got pretty hot, but HOLY SHIT did Blossom turn into a LARD ASS or what? WOW!!
j
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Posted: 11/17/2005 6:42:25 AM
Someone needs to turn this article into a website complete with a timeline of photos so we can she the puberty unfold before us. By the way, nothing was better than watching the kids from Home Improvement go through puberty. I remember when I stopped watching it for a year and then watch it again. I thought they recasted it with Boomer Easian playing Brad and Maryiln Manson playing Mark.
deuce
nice work.
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Posted: 11/17/2005 7:09:32 AM
why in the fuck did everyone refer to the home improvement triplets by all three of their fucking names???? you know who else is referred to by all 3 names? serial killers, snipers, etc. lee harvey oswald, john wayne gacy, lee boyd malvo.. coincidence?? i dont fucking think so.
Johnny B
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Posted: 11/17/2005 8:04:58 AM
While your at it do the other kids on Malcom in the middle, Reese and Dewey
Andy
Rudy got HOT
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Posted: 11/17/2005 8:20:37 AM
DAMN!!!!!
And that pic of Ben Seaver's sweep mullet is ultra-classic.
Drawz
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Posted: 11/17/2005 8:28:29 AM
Married With Children was one of the most brilliant shows ever, but holy ham fritters, was that kid Seven fucking annoying.
Abe Froman
Josie Davis
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Posted: 11/17/2005 9:24:40 AM
Josie Davis (charles in charge) can hold her own against Nicole Eggart any day of the week now. Check out some recent pics and you will slap yourself.
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