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Rare picture of him not crying.
1980’s video game level bosses were some of the toughest guys around back in the day. They were not eliminated with a simple toss of a fireball or a shot from the ever-destructive spread gun. These guys took strategy. They took poise. They administered countless beat-downs on all of our asses until we realized mathematically-devised patterns that took them out.
The evil, villainous kingpins of the late-eighties/early nineties video-game world depended on these bosses to protect each level. They were ever loyal. It was not until all of these bosses were disposed of that the master kingpin behind it all could be dealt with. 1980’s video game level bosses made my childhood challenging and enjoyable yet frustrating and infuriating.
At times, when people near me, notice me deep in thought, they may think I’m thinking of adult things. Actually, I silently question my level depletion of bosses if I were a video game crime kingpin, tyrant, or alien. Who would I want to protect my ass? There are so many possibilities, but I have chosen to limit my list to five. These would be my choices for bosses from the real world if I were a video game, crime kingpin, tyrant, or alien. I would certainly enjoy hearing any other choices in this matter. It’s best that situations like the world becoming a giant video game are prepared for. Without this preemptive decision, sleep would become difficult. Here are my top 5 level bosses if I were a video game crime kingpin, tyrant, or alien.
5. Scott Stapp (ex-Creed lead singer) and Kevin Federline teamed up.
The first boss is always a bitch. Level one would be super-easy and your character would easily destroy these two assholes by devastatingly smashing their skulls against each other. Their shattered heads pieces would shimmer like broken porcelain on the floor. It would be hilarious. I guess the game would have a mature rating. Creed fucking sucked so bad.
4. The guy from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (pictured)
Look at this guy. Look at that fucking picture. He’s a real mother-fucker. I’d find a way to make him grow in size to match the scale of the picture. Your game character would be about the size of that action figure. He’d be huge. He’d be terrifying. He’d run around and act like Ryan Seacrest. What a fucking weirdo. Most guys go out of their way to not look and act like Ryan Seacrest. He devours it. To top it off, I’ve seen the guy on T.V. in very limited moments and commercials. Every time I do so, he is fucking crying. He would be one of those bosses with a time-limit to defeat him. It would take place on a level in a giant airplane hanger. As he screams and slaps at you, tears would burst from his tear ducts. If you fail to rip off his head and shit down his neck in the allotted time, your lungs would fill with salty water from his pussy-ass eyes. To make matters worse, he would go to your family’s house, apologize for your demise, and build everyone a game room and spa in the backyard to honor your memory. Then he’d hug them, and cry about it.
Want to buy a vowel? C R _ Z Y
3. Mike Tyson.
What the fuck else does this guy have to do? I don’t think he’ll be getting hired at the Gap anytime soon with tribal-designs tatted across his face. He even has a little experience playing the role of a video-game end boss. Little Mac always had to bring his A game. Well, Mike, you are the Glass Joe now, beeyutch. Put up your dukes.
2. Danny Bonaduce (pictured)
Small.
All I really have to say about Bonaduce, is that when there are people in this world that are that fucking insane, I want them on my side. He would be very tough to beat being that it is only a matter of time until he commits suicide. He would definitely be a time-limit boss, due to the fact that you would have to beat him and disarm his suicide- bombing vest before it detonated. Extra difficulty would be added when steroids, pain-killers, and alcohol made their way into Bonaduce’s bloodstream, giving him He-man-like strength and agility.
1. Tookie Williams (pictured), founder of the crips. Currently awaiting execution on death row. By the way, who would you take in a “Who’s gonna be dead first bet,” between him and Bonaduce?
I’m sorry but this guy would be my right-hand man. Jesus H. Christ. I don’t care if he is peaceful and changed now. Fuck that. All you need to do is check out that picture of him. He’s looks like a comic book character. If I was walking with this guy down the street and he shot lasers out of his eyes, I wouldn’t even be surprised. My big video game would actually end if you beat him because my ass would jump out the window of my evil, skyscraper headquarters. I would never want to fuck with the human being who beat this guy’s ass. I’ll try my odds against the pavement from 170 stories up. This son-of-bitch doesn’t even look real. I had an extremely difficult time figuring out a way that a character could even actually beat this guy in a level-ending brawl. You could up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a-start this guy all you want, he would just mow through your lives. If I were Tookie, I would shave messages into my afro like, “I am a total badass,” and just walk around town (if I wasn’t on Death Row of course). I just can’t see him ever losing as a bad-guy level boss. Ideas to defeat him were scarce and seemed like they came deep from the mind of a short-bus-riding, pants-shitter. My only conclusion… your character would have to just run around and dodge him until he was executed. The fight scene would last week or so. Good luck!!!
Love the idea. Tyson had to be on the list, he might be the toughest endgame boss of all-time in super punch out (if you read quotes carefully in the street fighter series, he is Balrog as well). If you wanted a real pair of whiny bitches with crabs up their ass for the first boss, put Jim Rome and Skip Bayless together.
Fantastic Dan
Top 5
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Posted: 12/9/2005 3:40:09 AM
Level 1: Toby Kieth. He pulls up in his Ford Truck mumbling about how tough he is. You think, given that you're 9 years old, that he looks pretty tough with his sleeveless denim jacket and facial hair. 2 shots to the crotch beats this boss.
Level 3: Jevon Kearse. Faster and stronger than any guy you've faced. He can pick you up with one hand. He whips you with his penis. He never tires. You use all your special moves to beat him, leaving you ill-prepared for....
Level 4: Mr T. Mr. T is one of those bosses that just completely massacres you every time you get to him. You'll have full life, multiple continues and centered chi, and Mr. T just works you unmercifully. That is, until you realize all you have to do is jump behind him or bait him with an asian prostitute.
End Guy: Slick Rick. Rick The Ruler. He's like the end guy of double dragon, who just sits in his cair, methodically waving his arm that summons an endles barage of minions at you, and lazily shooting his maching gun. His gold blinds you. One second you think you've got the hang of him, and then his big black dick is in your ass. He is beatable, but when you do finally conquer him and save the girl, she's so stretched out that no systematic set of moves will have your pussy-wall at a ginle time. Plus she's pissed at your for deporting uncle ricky. it's a cruel world.
Eric
Jevon Kearse?
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Posted: 12/9/2005 4:56:21 AM
Are you serious? Jevon Kearse is a pussy. To beat that guy all you'd have to do is keep moving around until the dip shit sprains his ankle and misses 6-8 weeks. Fuck Jevon Kearse!
Toby Keith is a tool too with his bedazzled denim jacket. Seriously, who's afraid of a guy that wears shiny sparkling denim?
The sweetest first level boss would be William Hung and his battle cry of hell, and maybe team him up with Randy Jackson to scream his ebonic jibberish, "dog".
2nd level- Fat Steven Segal- You know this guy once possesed the ability to seriously whip your ass, but now he's no more dangerous than a fucking Backstreet Boy. Unless he's been taking Sumo lessons, then all bets are off.
3rd level- Gary Busey- The original Danny Bonaduce. This guy was fucking nuts before being fucking nuts was cool. I could see this guy taking a shit in my mailbox and I wouldn't even think anything about it, it's just Gary Busey. This would be kinda tricky, maybe a Metal Gear Solid-esque battle where the only way to defeat his mind reading powers is to switch your controller to port 2. This guy is amazing, and for no reason at all, I'd have him dressed up in a Tinkerbell outfit.
End Guy- The 1992 Hulkster- Hulkamania was at it's prime, he weas drinking his milk, taking his vitamins, and saying his prayers. Now he'd make you say yours. Just when his life bar is flashing red and he's about to die...he'd "Hulk Up" and proceed to rip your spine out of your asshole just to prove a point. He's HULK HOGAN for christ's sake. You can't tell me that 1993 Hulk Hogan wouldn't have handed Tookie Williams and the Crips an ass whoopin' of Pay-Per-View caliber. Then in a way just to piss everyone off, you couldn't beat Hulkster. It would be impossible and it would probably cause some inferiority complexes and suicides, but hey that's Hulkamania baby.
xtc
stapp
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Posted: 12/9/2005 9:03:38 AM
Scott Stapp is such a little bitch. Now he's in the news telling how he's going to show everybody how he ran the show with Creed. Well, good for you jackass. They still sucked.
Tom A
BIll Brasky
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Posted: 12/9/2005 9:45:04 AM
I think he's got to be in there in the last couple levels.
After all, he once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.
deuce
creed
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Posted: 12/9/2005 9:47:31 AM
i saw his new "solo" video this morning @ 4am.. why does he put an over pronounced "r" in every word he sings?
juan this article was great. my favorites were cry pennington and tookie. if tookie were any more innocent he'd have led the LAPD in a white bronco down the interstate.
RC
My Boss: Christopher Walken
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Posted: 12/9/2005 10:35:37 AM
This dude's so fucking insane the more you hurt him, the more powerful he'd get. He'd just have to walk up to your character and say "My suggestion is that you put your weapon into your mouth and pull the trigger"...or maybe just "Hi, I'm Christopher Walken" - then the pants-o-meter on your game interface would show maximum fillage and you'd die of a case of "The Browns."
Game Over.
Christine
the picture
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Posted: 12/9/2005 10:40:35 AM
of the guy from the crips, will haunt me forever. I have never seen a scarier/uglier man. Good article Juan.
Oh and Deuce, the over pronounced "R" was like a thing for awhile in the late 90s. There were a couple of bands that did it. NIckleback kind of does it now. Its obvious that they are fake singing, no one pronounces words like that for real. Its revolting
Zack
My Five
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Posted: 12/9/2005 10:55:11 AM
Walk around your office and talk like Scott Stapp sings, I bet you can't make 4 laps around the offie before someone punches you in the throat. Here's my 5 bosses: 1. Nelly, No real reason, I just think he needs his ass kicked. Once you started to weaken him, he would start to flash red (Like all bosses) And turn into Will Smith, and at this point, he doesn't stand a chance.
2. Larry the Cable Guy, He won't be that hard to beat. You just have to master the art of dodging dirty clothing and a fake accent.
3. The Bill Lumburgh from "Office Space", He'd calmly move about the screen and you would have to destroy his sheild of nearly endless paperwork, once you got through all of that, his receptrionist would appear thowing post-its at you, all while Lumburgh is trying to hit you with hot coffee.
4. Carson Daily, he would just stand in a tower with a microphone and command all of his opinionless minions while they attack you. The key to beating Carson Daily is getting him during a commercial break when the minions put down their signs and Carson steps out for a smoke.
5. The Air Marshall, There would be a short dialogue between your character and the Air Marshall. At which point you would reach for your weapon and the Air Marshall would put one in your chest. You can't beat the Air Marshall. The end. Thanks for playing.
albanian guy
Two things...
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Posted: 12/9/2005 11:17:47 AM
Your best article yet, creative and pretty damn funny. I hate to critique but I think if you slimmed down some of the content it would be a lot funnier, less is more in you case., Very funny though thanks.
My boss would be Tom Cruise. Or Paris Hilton. Only because I would love to fucking hammer on both their faces badly.
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