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So the tape deck in my 94’ Dodge Dakota is jammed again, forcing me to endure the local radio stations over the past few weeks whenever I don’t feel like listening to the Aerosmith “Pump” cassette that is currently, regrettably, lodged in there.
That being said, I have a few choice words for the disk jockeys who oversee the various channels that I have no choice but to listen to while I save up money to buy a new, more modern tape deck.
Hey Classic Rock DJ:
Stop trying to “Rock Me To My Weekend”. I like weekends as much as the next guy, but I don’t need your constant updates about how far away the next one is. I can do that math. And I certainly don’t need the J. Geils Band to help me get there.
Also, please stop playing new music from classic rock bands in an attempt to make the bands seem currently relevant. Words can’t describe how little interest I have in hearing “A new one from Sammy Hagar”.
Hey Oldies DJ:
Enough with the trivia already. That’s really sweet that you know the name of the bassist from Herman’s Hermits, but just because you’ve wasted your life gathering such knowledge doesn’t mean that we have. I don’t want to spin your “Mega Motown Prize Wheel” to try to win passes to a day spa. Just play some fucking Stones and shut up.
Hey Hip Hop DJ on 107.BLAK:
Does that beat really need to be behind everything? With that same incessant rhythm, I have a hard time differentiating between Young Jeezy’s newest cut and your hourly traffic updates and urban-oriented commercials for Check Into Cash stores and wig outlets.
Hey College DJ:
Get your shit together dude. I know that this is a learning experience, but that doesn’t mean you have to suck this colossally hard. What’s with all the tech problems? Does that three minutes of dead airtime following songs really have to be that frequent? Could you at least try to have the right song come on after you announce it every now and then?
And I know it’s lame to be excited to be on the radio and that you have a detached, angst-ridden persona to keep up, but could you do me a solid; drop the attitude for a minute and put some goddamned inflection in your voice? I promise I won’t tell anyone that you emote.
I’m also super-impressed by your vast musical knowledge and your unwillingness to conform to society’s shitty musical standards, but just because something is really obscure doesn’t mean that it’s good. It’s great that you found that bootleg-live performance from the former band of the lead singer of The Arcade Fire on which they cover an old Velvet Underground song, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s completely fucking unlistenable.
Hey “Extreme” DJ:
It's Over Sammy
Korn sucks my balls. So does Staind. Why are you so mad? I’m super sorry your stepdad never hugged you as a child, but that doesn’t give you the right to take it out on me with your shitty, angry-scream-rock.
Additionally, “Extreme DJ”- your “Extreme Morning Show” is garbage, too. Don’t get me wrong, I love the colorful and vivid descriptions of the dump you took this morning (now, that’s edgy!), and your ongoing contest that encourages your female listeners to send in pictures of themselves wearing thongs to your website for their chance to be voted “Miss 92.3 Extreme Camel Toe”. That’s just plain good radio.
It’s just too early in the day to deal with the painful realization that your show being on the air suggests that there are enough ignorant people living in my area to merit an entire radio program geared towards them.
Hey Top 20 Pop DJ:
Please stop. Just stop. You are ruining our youth with this vacuous music and it’s associated culture.
Also, you’re 35 years old; stop trying to use current catch phrases in a sad attempt to appeal to your youthful listeners. The new Kelly Clarkson album will “come out” this weekend, not “drop”. Say, it bitch! Say it!
Hey Adult Contemporary DJ:
I’ve got no issues with you. Someone has to sate the masses that await dental exams and new license plates with their Bryan Adams and Richard Marx fix. My only gripe arises when you try to pass off three-year old songs as being “Fresh new music”. Your listeners are old and out of touch. Most of them have come to terms with that; why can’t you? Everything’s cool as long as I don’t hear: “All right, here’s the new one from Train, this is 'Drops Of Jupiter' on 102.3 “The Wave”.
Hey Country Station DJ:
I don’t listen to you. Ever. Someone can fill this one in for me.
Hey DJ Jazzy Jeff:
Will’s had his day in the sun, I think it’s time to make your move.
More Linkin Park!
Hey D.J. Tanner:
How about letting a creepy old man live out his youthful fantasy and make awkward love to you in your TV bedroom while Stephanie watches?
Alright, I got a little off topic at the end there, but you guys get the gist.
the weakest article yet from you, Pollk. Good topic, though.
After satelite radio I dont see how anyone can listen to local radio.
K.W.
phone scam
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Posted: 3/15/2006 8:04:20 AM
Why does every radio station that is on in my office (top 40, cuntry, etc...) have people talking and no music. These fuckers aren't funny, play some music! Thats all I want to do when I turn on my radio in the morning is hear people talk. Thats what AM is for. I'm hearing every wannabe hick and jerry springer candidate in Detroit call into "Channel 955" in the next cube right now and I want to urinate all over the lady's radio.
AaronB
Full House
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Posted: 3/15/2006 8:38:35 AM
The DJ Tanner reference was awesome.
Milton
I feel you K.W
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Posted: 3/15/2006 8:54:12 AM
After listening to commercial free and especially DJ free radio, there's nothing like it. It's the equivalent of DVR tv.
Why they choose to have these idiots babbling during the peak hours of traffic I have no idea.
Victor French
I'll Tell you
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Posted: 3/15/2006 8:55:03 AM
Alls I got is radio in my shitbox 1977 Ford LTD. Not only that, but Johnathan always puts it on that god-awful christian music channel. That shit puts me on the highway to HEAVING. Did I ever mention to the wonderful Phat Phree readers that I rock a shitty fuckin Oakland A's mesh cap that smells like a dusty llama? I'm Victor French dammit!
Odor
It's a guilty pleasure
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Posted: 3/15/2006 9:29:10 AM
I went to school for broadcast journalism, and now work at a hotel. I somehow find pleasure in listening to these god awful dj's. Knowing that I could be anyone of these guys, and thanking my g.d. lucky stars I'm not. If you think the dj's are bad where you live, try coming to Iowa.
Mamacass
Satelite
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Posted: 3/15/2006 9:59:49 AM
Milton, I drive a fucking buick. Do you think I'd be driving a fucking buick if i could afford satelite radio, you fucking mope. not to mention the ass beating i should recieve for having satelite radio while driving a buick. Fuck off!
deuce
the "linkin park"
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Posted: 3/15/2006 10:05:45 AM
pic and caption are hilarious. they might be the biggest bag of suck to ever hit the stage.
well done mike. great list.
Patrick M
Mamacass
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Posted: 3/15/2006 10:09:47 AM
Seriously, has having a crappy car ever stopped people from pouring money (better spent on repair, maintenance, child support) into a sound system? Just this morning, some little asshole was bombarding my train platform with obnoxious bass from his POS Neon.
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