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gimme my ring and my money bitches!
With the NBA playoffs right around the corner, I can’t help but look back and reminisce about last years playoffs, Finals, and ultimately who David Stern named NBA Finals M.V.P.
Awarding Tim Duncan the NBA Finals M.V.P. is as big of a joke as David Spade being awarded his own Best of SNL DVD. Any idiot who followed the NBA last season knows that the true M.V.P., the player who actually got the Spurs the ring, is none other than Glenn Robinson. Yeah that’s right, I said it: Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson was the real M.V.P. of the 2005 NBA finals, and if Tim Duncan had an ounce of respect for the game of basketball, he would ride his mint-green Mongoose over to Glenn’s house and hand over the hardware (and if Big Dog had an ounce of respect, he would drive over to 76ers GM Billy King’s house and give him a hand job for trading him).
A statement as bold as Glenn Robinson is the real M.V.P. will obviously bring criticism from all over the NBA world (and perhaps a couple of “quiet frankly…” statements from Screamin’ A. Smith); and I know I’ll need to back up anything I say with irrefutable evidence. So I have constructed such an OJ-tight case for Glenn Robinson, that to say he wasn’t the real M.V.P. would be like saying Boo Berry wasn’t the best out of all the spooky monster cereals. So I now present to you my case…
The Extra Girl Factor... The addition of Glenn Robinson couldn’t have come at a better time. Up until April 6th, 2005 the Spurs were a dismal 54-19; they were two games behind Phoenix for first place in the West; they were blown out by a very weak Denver team; and narrowly escaped defeat to an even weaker LA team. When members of the Spurs organization got wind that the Big Dog had been signed, the mood changed; it became a very positive atmosphere- Family Feud-esque, if you will.
*note- have you seen a more positive atmosphere? You can answer with “hot dog water” to the category “things people like to drink”, and everyone is nothing but smiles… if you’re lucky you might even get a high five from the original King of Flannel, Richard Karn.
survey say...
That night the Spurs faced a very hot Clippers team who were riding a two game winning streak; the end result was a 91-82 victory by the Spurs. When reporters interviewed back up forward Linton Johnson III after the game he said (regarding the signing of Glenn)… "It’s like when you’ve been whackin’ it for ‘bout 15 minutes, and it ain’t going well cause all you’ve seen so far is cocks and knee caps; and you’re starting to realize you made a bad movie choice; but you’ve already worked up a sweat, so you give it one more minute… and just when you’ve lost all hope, and you’re ready to turn the movie off and make a snack, an extra couple of girls enter the scene - and it’s Kleenex time… Glenn Robinson’s like them extra girls.”
Last Man In... Glenn Robinson provided a very banged-up Spurs team with fresh legs; and why wouldn’t he be anything but fresh – he hadn’t played all year long (he spent the entire year on the bench with Right Elbow Synovitis). Robinson was “playing” for my very own 76ers before he was traded to the New Orleans Hornets. When Robinson joined the Spurs, he was used sparingly, playing only when Nazr Mohammed or Tim Duncan needed a break; but when he did enter the game, you could feel his impact. His speed mimicked Allen Iverson, and his vertical rivaled that of LeBron James. Robinson had the same thing going for him as Hulk Hogan did when he won the Royal Rumble in 1990 and 1991… fresh legs. The reason Dusty Rhodes or Ricky Steamboat never won a Royal Rumble wasn’t because they didn’t have the talent; it was because they were never last man in. Hogan is Robinson… Robinson is Hogan… Finkle is Einhorn.
don't just stand there... kick the ball dip shit!
The Coach’s Son... If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that brushing your teeth is overrated, and that the superstar of a team always over shadow’s the others. Sure, Tim Duncan averaged 23.6/12.4 and Glenn averaged 3.8/1.6 in the playoffs, but what do stats mean? Let me ask you this - when Tim got tired (and he did, averaging only 37.8 minutes per game in the playoffs – where were you when your team needed you, Tim?) and needed a breather, who did Gregg Popovich send in? Linton Johnson III? No. He sent in the Big Dog. He sent in the same guy that won NBA Player of the Week honors for the week of January 12th, 1997. If Robinson doesn’t enter the game and let Tim Duncan rest, than the Spurs don’t win the NBA championship, and that is a scientific fact!
*note- in community soccer, the coach's son would always go in when the star needed a break, corduroy jeans and all; the coach’s son wasn’t the most talented or the most athletic, but dad had to play him or be faced with tears and suicide notes.
In closing, if the Spurs never signed Robinson, they never would have finished with the record they did (59-23); they never would have had the favorable match ups (feeble Denver, poor-shooting Seattle, and un-athletic Phoenix); and they never would have beat Detroit in the NBA Finals. So thank you Mr. Robinson, thank you for being the spark that started the bus that drove the Spurs to the championship.
an absolutley amazing article. wat could possess someone to come up with this shit? as usual nice job civs!
PS - spurs win 2006 title, beating Miami in 6.
deuce
fantastic job
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Posted: 4/20/2006 7:45:57 AM
that last picture has so much shit going on in it... from the candy necklace and tennis shoes (mom- buy the kid some fucking ass cleats, it's soccer, not recess) to the "special" kid with sunglasses to natalie's (facts of life) daughter.. holy shit..
way to call your shot too.. your case was oj-tight. nice work.
DaveB
nice
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Posted: 4/20/2006 9:34:55 AM
subtle Ace Ventura reference out of the blue.
Tom A
Linton Johnson III
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Posted: 4/20/2006 9:44:45 AM
Is some wordsmith.
I, too, liked the last pic. What is that Justin is wearing under his jersey - a Lion King mock-t, for crying out loud? And how come Mindy Cohn, Jr. is OK with just the jersey, but the pansy boys need t-necks underneath? Pathetic - no wonder they made them wear f'n orange.
Patrick M
I'm dumbfounded.
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Posted: 4/20/2006 10:43:32 AM
That was amazing. I don't know how Billy King ties his shoes in the morning.
Geis
Dirty Old Man
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Posted: 4/20/2006 12:09:11 PM
Richard Dawson was the man. That man kissed more people Pamela Anderson has in STD's. Who wears sunglasses playing soccer at the age of 5? Nice Job Jonathan!
Benevanstanchiano
I completely lost it.....
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Posted: 4/20/2006 5:15:41 PM
....."Corduroy jeans and all....."
Nuff said.
Great work!
Tangent Guy
Eh . . .
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Posted: 4/20/2006 6:42:11 PM
I thought the kid's Blues Brothers shades were tighter than the article. Nice effort, though.
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