As any man can tell you, the little guy downstairs has a mind of his own. From the time he gains consciousness, at about 13, he often chooses the most inopportune times to fill out. It often has nothing to do with the situation or company you are in, but rather it seems a random bodily function. The best parallel I can think for a woman who has no idea what I am talking about is how a woman sometimes gets cold regardless of the temperature. No one can explain it, it just happens.

So, without further delay. We proudly present the 50 Worst Times to Get wood:

50.	Getting fitted for a suit
	Not only would it be embarrassing, but you are gonna screw up the fit of your pants.
49.	Hosting game show
48.	During a hernia check Oh Jesus... I'm not sure what kind of hernia this doctor is checking for, but I hope there is fat doobie at the end of one of those clamps... and not that guy's wang.
47.	Watching The Vagina Monologues
	Certainly inappropriate, and given the company you are most certainly in, you might find yourself on the wrong side of lynch mob.
46.	Riding on the back of a friend's motorcycle
45.	Watching porn with a bunch of dudes "just for laughs"
44.	Right after you get into a traffic accident
	Try explaining to the cop that it wasn't your fault with a pop-tent in your pants.
43.	Spoon feeding your grandmother
	My god... Who wrote these? I am going go vomit.
42.	Mile three of the New York Marathon
41.	While holding a baby The look on that baby's face slays me... It's like he's seen an intruder from his past.
40.	Watching your dog poop
	Definitely don't want to be caught with an engorged member under those circumstances.
39.	Getting on a Tokyo subway train
38.	Trapped in an elevator with your boss
	Would be especially bad if your boss is some desperate older fat woman.
37.	Dancing with the Bride
36.	Working as an airport security screener
35.	Performing the Iron Cross
34.	Conducting a boys choir
33.	When you're on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"
	It goes against everything the show is about. It would be chaos!
32.	While you are at a Baptism
31.	Buying Girl Scout cookies
30.	Just before your final summation in a murder trial
	Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, can I have a moment please...
29.	During the last ten minutes of "The Passion of the Christ"
28.	While being rescued on live television
27.	Working as a Mohel
	Especially if you are one of those traditional rabbis who draws the blood using their mouth.
26.	While giving your acceptance speech to the baseball hall of fame
25.	At a feminist rally
	Whoa... That's like wearing a KKK hood to the Source Awards
24.	When you meet your girlfriend's best friend
23.	Cooking hotdogs at the nudist camp, drunk
	There are a lot things that can go bad here. Burning your lunch is a best case scenario.
22.	When you would snap the neck of a fan
21.	Administering heimlich maneuver
20.	Running your German short-hair around the ring at the Westminster Dog Show
19.	While reading Boys Life
	Quite frankly, reading Boy's Life under any circumstances is pretty creepy.
18.	While titty fucking Teri Hatcher
17.	While eating a banana
16.	While singing in a barbershop quartet
15.	While performing your first open heart surgery
	Doctor, your penis is distending the left ventricle.
14.	Stage twelve of the tour de France
13.	Hour two of your eight hour Santa shift at the mall
	"What do you want for Christmas young lady?" "I want you to take that packet of Certs out of your pocket Santa."
12.	While going through a small revolving door with your Uncle
11.	While a dog is licking peanut butter off of your scrotum
	Oh my Lord! Chad is not allowed to contribute to these lists anymore!
10.
9.	Judging the 10 and under hot dog eating contest
	Boy, this is getting really horrible. I guess we are now into the ten WORST times to chub up. I should have expected this.
8.	Getting a root canal
7.	While performing the final act of Godspell
6.	While giving a friend's eulogy
	Bob was a great guy. We had a lot of fun times together...
5.	When you're watching a show about John Wayne Gacy and Bill Kurtis is describing his "rope trick".
	I may never get a boner again after doing this list.
4.	While Watching a Documentary about the Holocaust
	Sweet Jesus...
3.	During "Venereal Disease Day" in Health class
	As an 8th grader this is your first real test of sexual control. I mean those are photos of real vaginas...
2.	Watching a commercial for the African Childrens Fund
1.	Just before you get caught watching a beheading video on the Internet at work
	Thank God this is over...

So there you have it. The 50 worst times to get wood. I had no idea my penis could get as soft as it is right now! It is virtually indistinguishable from my sack - just formless mass of skin.

Thanks to Chad Zumock, Chris Queen, Jesse Lamovsky and Carol Ha who all contributed. Written by: Charlie DeMarco