To the non-biased college football fan just looking for a game to watch, there are, seriously, two match-ups worth anticipating this weekend. Thats not to say there will only be two good games; a thriller can break out wherever and whenever a ball is snapped, and every game, even between the worst teams, has classic potential (well, maybe not Kent State-Army). But only two games this weekend involve pairs of ranked teams, and plenty more; the flagship schools of three of possibly the most football-addicted states in the Union; three National Championship-winning coaches, with the fourth the owner of three Super Bowl rings; major, major BCS implications in both games. Bevo, Brutus, Joe Pa, Touchdown Jesus, Buckeye leaves and Hook Em Horns its Notre Dame-Penn State, Ohio State-Texas, with National Championship dreams and a lifetime's worth of Scoreboard! calls on the line.
Today, Penn State fan Matt McCoy will take a closer look at the match-up between the Nittany Lions and the Irish, the first between the two schools since the Snow Bowl in 92, while Ohio native and Buckeye fan Jesse Lamovsky, and Texas resident and designated Longhorn backer J.P. Melkus preview the second round of tOSU-UT, as well as compare notes on the relative merits of both states.
Let's do this.
The Undercard: Penn State-Notre Dame
By Matt McCoy
This Saturday's matchup between (AP) #4 Notre Dame and #19 Penn State has been fourteen years in the waiting - a despicable and unacceptable head-to-head time lapse involving two of college football's most prestigious football traditions. Because they are once again mashing facemasks, the rivalry's 8-8-1 split will be pushed in one program's favor.
The Fighting Irish were kind enough to squeeze the Nittany Lions into their schedule this year before their annual Armed Forces Academy tour commences later in the year. Personally, I can't wait for the Coast Guard to get a football program up and running, because their passionate fan base is one of the few out there that could potentially compete with Notre Dame's extraordinary national popularity.
This delightful pairing has flown under the media's radar due to the same day OSU-Texas matchup stealing the show. An understandable but still amazing feat considering Notre Dame's historically proven ability to dominate and occupy the majority of college football coverage if there's even a chihuahua's sniff the team will break .500. Despite the lure of potentially witnessing Lee Corso, College Gameday's resident cartoon character, don a Buckeye nut hat atop his midget head, I have chosen to travel to South Bend, instead, and cover the ND-PSU battle for the Phat Phree.
Some might say Notre Dame and its Heisman hopeful, Joe Kane, errr, Brady Quinn, have received more than their fair share of preseason hype, while Penn State has conversely not received their just due. This is somewhat understandable, as Notre Dame returns ten starters on offense and nine starters on defense from last year's more-than-respectable squad (ex- the Ohio State, Fiesta Bowl horsewhipping), while Penn State only returns six starters on offense and four on defense. But there are deeper story lines that tell the real tale in advance of this no doubt epic struggle. Both teams have their respective warts and beauty marks. Let's break 'em down:
-Penn State's starting QB, Anthony Morelli, is long on potential, but short on actual performance. He's an unproven commodity who could legitimately turn into a steaming pile of quivering poop at the sight of the man-dals of Touchdown Jesus (Check that - Notre Dame built an addition to their stadium that now obstructs the view of college football's most famous religious notoriety. Sellouts.) But the fact that Morelli's first pass as a starting QB was a 42-yard touchdown strike in the pouring rain is a good indicator thou shalt not wilt. Granted, it was against the Zips of Akron. Fear the Roo!
-Penn State is returning only one offensive lineman. Yikes. Their ground game was stifled by Akron in week one. Not a good sign. At all.
-Because he broke his arm in the Big House last year, people have forgotten how electrifying PSU's Derrick Williams can be on any given play. Pure speed- pure playmaker. This Saturday could be the second coming of Rocket Ismail to South Bend, only this time he'll be wearing black Nike's and adorned in all white.
-Linebacker U is fielding a pair of scary-good linebackers in 2006. The first being the 2005 Butkus Award winner, Paul Posluszny, and the second being the ever-underrated Dan Connor. The coaching staff feels their linebacking corps is so good, in fact, that they played an uncharacteristic 3-4 defense in week one. This should help to contain Notre Dame's elusive Darius Walker.
-Notre Dame is chock full of playmakers. Brady Quinn, when he's not trying to avoid visualizing his sister knobbing A.J. Hawk, is usually found leading his Irish to victory. He's a winner and he's a veteran. When you combine those two qualities and line 'em up behind center, any team is tough to beat. I'd also say he has nice guns, but that'd be really gay. Ah, fuck.
-The much-maligned Irish defense, one that allowed Ohio State to put up more than 600 yards of total offense in last year's Fiesta Bowl, by the way, reportedly spent much of the offseason at "speed camp." Apparently the coaching staff doesn't believe in the old adage, "you can't teach speed." They should have, because it's true. Idiots. But the defense looked much improved against Georgia Tech in week one. Anchored by safety Tom Zbikowski, the mohawk-sporting heavyweight boxer (Seriously, how can you not love this guy?), ND can only improve on last year's defensive stats.
-Baseball-heaving and pigskin-catching Jeff Samardzija is likely to cause headaches for the much smaller PSU corners. Despite Justin King's lockdown ability, Quinn's propensity to throw the "jump ball reception" could save more than one Irish drive from a trip to Puntville.
-Why doesn't anyone talk about Notre Dame's frequent inability to recruit a good kicker? It's kind of, ah, an integral part of any football team. Lou Holtz, during his tenure, was forced at one point to cherry-pick from the schools soccer team. Or maybe I'm just pissed because this year's Irish version of the Ray Finkle show cost me one hundred greenbacks in the Georgia Tech game. Fucking incompetent.
Lastly, I'm quite confident this head-to-head battle will receive no media coverage whatsoever. But it's just as important, even though it will occur after the game is played and the contest decided:
Charlie Weis versus Joe Paterno - Shower Bodies Extraordinaire
Thank God for both teams that this weekly ritual occurs AFTER the game. Because if it transpired before, neither team would be able to perform. Charlie Weis' shower body is rivaled only by that of the Tuna's, Bill Parcells. It's reported that groans can be heard for miles when the Tuna drops his towel and joins his players for a post-game shower - titties bouncing, ass cheeks jiggling and fupa dancing. Thus, one can safely assume that Notre Dame's players literally sprint from the sideline following the game, in the hopes of splashing off quickly enough to avoid Coach Weis' own version of the cellulite shower dance.
As for Paterno, his show is more of the demoralizing type, as opposed to a nauseating one. You see, the legendary JoePa has one of the largest man sacks in all the land. That's right, he's got huge balls. We're talking real knee-ticklers here. At least that's what I've been told by multiple, inside sources. Why am I comfortable opining about a man's balls to a mostly-male audience? Because JoePa is approximately 208 years old. Therefore, it's less creepy than funny. At least that's what I tell myself.
Predictions: While JoePa wins the shower show, ND wins the headlining bout, 24-20.
Godspeed.
The Main Event: Texas-Ohio State II
By J.P. Melkus & Jesse Lamovsky
I am not a native Texan. As such, I have no particular love for Texas. I also am not a big fan of the University of Texas Longhorns football team. However, out of loyalty to the Big XII Conference, I will do my duty and defend Texas in these, the hallowed virtual halls of The Phat Phree.
Ohio State hails from the Big Ten Conference. Comprised of eleven teams...hilariously...the Big 10 is known to those of us west of the Missouri River and south of the Mason-Dixon Line as the answer to such questions as: "Is there a game on already?" and, "What conference is Indiana in?"
Ohio State fans are always reminding those of us who don't give a shit that it is, "The" Ohio State University, and not "Fuckin'" Ohio State. I, personally, am suspicious of people with that much pride in a definite article. It would be more impressive if you reminded me that WKRP in Cincinnati was set in your state. I'm sure there's a bronze statue of Les Nessman in The 'Nati to prove it, too.
Did you know that the reason one end of Ohio State's stadium, "The Horseshoe," is kept open is to let out the fart smell? Well, it's true.
Without further ado, reasons Texas is better than Ohio
1.) Whataburger. There is no better hangover cure than Whataburger taquitos. And the burgers are so good you would rape them if they wouldn't burn your dick off. (Fool me once, shame on you...)
2.) Debbie Does Dallas. The best porno of all time. Can you name a porno set in Ohio? Gung Ho doesn't count, even if George Wendt does have bigger tits than Marilyn Chambers.
3.) Winter? Fuck winter. At least in east Texas, winter consists of a few weeks of chilly rain followed by months and months more of glorious sun. Slush? Nope. Scraping your windshield? We have Mexicans to do that for us. Looking like a douchebag in moon boots, mittens, a hooded down coat, snow pants, a scarf, and a ski mask? Fuck that. I'll take a stylish J. Crew jacket and a sweater. It's all I'll need because it never gets below 45 degrees here. If want to see snowman, I'll read Calvin and Hobbes.
Reasons Ohio is better than Texas
1.) We have Sheetz. They do not have Sheetz, or, as far as I know, anything equivalent to Sheetz. And if youre living in a state where you cant get gas, cigarettes, and a made-to-order, 12-inch buffalo chicken sub with extra bacon at the same place, at four in the morning, guess what: youre living in the wrong goddamned state.
2.) Ohio's best Civil War general, Ulysses S. Grant, took Vicksburg and whipped Robert E. Lee straight-up. Texas's best Civil War (sorry- States War) general, Albert Sidney Johnston, was killed at Shiloh- less than a year into the war- when he took a bullet to the calf and bled to death because he'd sent his personal physician on an errand of some sort. Not to mention we were on the winning side. Appomattox, what?
3.) People in Texas wear cowboy hats, an item of apparel that you have a .000000002 chance of not looking ridiculous in. Yes, I know- not everybody in Texas wears a Stetson. But Ill bet the Serpent Mound and the Terminal Tower against Southfork Ranch there is a considerably higher ratio of cowboy hats to Texans than of cowboy hats to Ohioans.
4.) And damn straight we were the home state of WKRP in Cincinnati. Venus Flytrap Dr. Johnny Fever Herb Tarlek in his plaid polyester suits Jennifer in those clinging satin skirts Bailey Quarters, one of the most underrated hot characters in television history explain how in the world of Andy Traviss hair this is a bad thing? And no, there is no bronze statue of Les Nessman in towntown Cincy. But there should be; yes, there should be.
Reasons Ohio State will lose
Shit. Now this gets hard. I'm going to take a lesson from the most powerful Texan in the world, George W. Bush on this one, and say that Texas will win because it has to. Yeah. See, if I believe that Texas must win hard enough, Texas will win. Got that? Good.
See, years ago, the athletic department went in to Ohio State, who was minding their own business, fucking with Purdue, giggling about how their helmet stickers look like pot leaves, when all of the sudden, Texas came in like the USA into Baghdad and got all America all over their asses. Well now, those unionized, Taft-worshipping bastards are trying bringing the fight to Texas's home turf, and it won't be pretty.
Those silver-jacketed evil doers from the Nation's industrial heartland are going to feel a little less confident than last year in the unfriendly confines of Darrell K. Royal Stadium in Austin, surrounded by 85,000+ bourbon-fueled, boisterous, arrogant, self-righteous Texas frat boys and their oil pumping daddies. If some fan doesn't leap the fence and brand that tie-wearing, sweater-vested sissy Jim Tressel with a red-hot coat hanger, I would be both surprised and disappointed.
Gone are A.J. Hawk and Bobby Carpenter. Gone are Vince Young and Ramonce Taylor. Still here are Selvin Young and Jamaal Charles. Texas's two running backs will do more than enough to take the pressure off Colt McCoy (it sucks that guys 10 years younger than me are quarterbacking major college programs now...damn you, time!), and open up the Texas passing game. "Paging Limas Sweed, it's The Rock on line one."
This just in: Texas cornerback Tarell Brown has been suspended for the OSU game (Who knew marijuana and 9mm handguns were illegal when you are speeding, swerving and hitting shit on I-35 in Austin at 3:50 A.M.?). This will further open up a Texas secondary that Teddy Ginn was fixin' to slice open like he was Britney Spears's obstetrician.
This will not change my predicted winner, however. This game will be all offense all the time. Troy Smith and Ginn will make minced meat of Texass thinned out D, but McCoy, Sweed, Charles, and Young will go to work on an OSU defense that is as porous as Linda Ronstadt's septum.
Prediction: Texas 41, "Fuckin'" Ohio State 35
Reasons Ohio State will beat Texas
Troy Smith will play a full game. Last season he was in his first game off a suspension garnered for accepting gifts from a booster, and in one of his occasional lapses into offensive-minded buffoonery, Jim Tressel (AKA God in a Sweater Vest) alternated the rusty Smith with backup Justin Zwick. It didnt work. This season Smith is free, clear, and a legit Heisman Trophy candidate for the nations #1-ranked team. He is not rusty, and he sure as hell will not be alternating with Justin Freaking Zwick, thank God.
Ted Ginn will be Ted Ginn, and not the sac-less beeyotch he was last season against Texas, when he minced around the field for nine ineffectual yards on two ineffectual catches. In the time passed, hes improved his route running and has become a real, actual receiver, as well as the nations most dangerous return specialist. Im not selling Texas short- their physical secondary had a lot to do with Teddys ineffectiveness last year. But the Ginnster is just a better player now, and it will show Saturday night. The absence of Tarell Brown will be certainly help as well (you can get a weapons charge in Texas? I always thought you could carry an RPG around on your shoulder in public down there, and still be cool. Live and learn).
Ohio States offensive gameplan will be anywhere from a thousand to a million times better this time around. Last year, self-hamstrung by his switching of quarterbacks and his own innate conservatism, Tressel called an offensive game that, clogged with designed quarterback scrambles and chintzy sideline passes, could be best described as awful. But Tress, like Don Coryell with the 74 Cardinals (John Facenda shout-out), has put the bomb back in tOSUs playbook. Unlike last season in the Shoe, the Buckeyes will- gasp- throw the ball more than ten yards downfield, and give Smith, Ginn, and Anthony Gonzales a chance to make big plays. Not to say Texas is just going to stand there and be gashed the way, say, Notre Dame did in the Fiesta Bowl. But at least theyll have to defend against the threat of the Buckeyes taking shots downfield.
Experience at quarterback. Ohio State has it; UT, with redshirt freshman Colt McCoy (sigh only in Texas), does not.
Wack Predicto: Ohio State 31, Texas 24. The Buckeyes are too experienced, too explosive, and will be just a little bit too much for a Longhorn team that is too Vince Young-less to stop tOSUs roll toward an undefeated season (or at least an undefeated record going into that unholy bitch of a road night game at Iowa at the end of September).
J.P.'s Miscellaneous Ramblings
By the way, my favorite quote of the weekend came from the color commentary guy in the FSU - Miami game. Referencing the fact that Marvin Rolle of FSU had gotten an 'A' in every class since 9th grade, he said, "I can't even admire that. It just makes me angry." The world could use more spiteful honesty like that on television.
Also, I was strangely aroused by Holly Rowe's Nazi/Dominatrix/Leathergirl rain gear that she sported before removing it to reveal a hideous green housecoat, and hair that was so flattened and greasy looking that had it been black, I would've expected her to crawl out of my T.V. and haunt my ass for leaving her in a well.
Jesse's Miscellaneous Ramblings
I dont care that its an in-state rivalry. I dont care that players on each team competed against each other in high school, that passions are ratcheted up to the nth degree, that there are a years worth of bragging rights at stake. Just please, ESPN- stop showing Louisville-Kentucky. Its as competitive a rivalry as Turkey vs. Armenia, and its a waste of three perfectly good hours of my football-addled life.
Lou Holtz picked Arkansas over USC, for the plain and crashingly stupid reason that he used to coach the Razorbacks. USC plastered Arkansas, 50-14. Whats going to happen if USC schedules William & Mary?
I myself noticed Holly Rowe working the sidelines at the Fresno State-Nevada tilt last Friday, and while I dont know about sideline girls dressed like Ilsa Koch, I do know that Ms. (hopefully) Rowe exudes that Im just attractive enough to be fuckable, and just insecure enough about my looks to really put out with fervor look which this solid five-and-a-half craves in a woman. My friend Sleepy says his favorite actress is Julia Stiles because, in his paraphrase, she looks like I would have a chance with her. I feel the same way about Holly Rowe. Hopefully she never reads this paragraph. Shed say, you think Im what? Fuckable? Then she would slap me. Then Id hit her back- probably a couple of times, just to make sure she stays down- and there go my chances.
Hey Jesse... Posted: 9/8/2006by: Brutus' Bud ....a few things: #1. Office Space is a kick-ass movie. #2. I'm a huge fan of your writing, your stuff is probably the biggest reason I check this site every day, aside from the probably vain hope that you guys will compile another list of 50 people who need a vicious beating.
How big a factor do you think Tarrell Brown's suspension will be on Saturday? beautiful reference Posted: 9/8/2006by: bones when comparing the civil war generals.... very interesting and unique way of looking at it....
GO NOLES I'd just like to point out Posted: 9/7/2006by: Tangent Guy that last week's overhyped FSU - Miami game was a f*kin' snoozer. I've seen more action on Masterpiece Theater.
Oh, and tOSU is going to light up the Steers like Times Square. OSU Posted: 9/7/2006by: Dave B I was at the game last week at the Shoe and the offense is a lot better this year. I predict Troy Smith will pass for roughly 12,000 yards in this game. First Pic Caption Posted: 9/7/2006by: Tom A "Ready for the third finger, Andy boy?" seminole Posted: 9/7/2006by: Coach K If you can't go to college...
go to State!
Right? two evils Posted: 9/7/2006by: seminole I can't stand Penn State or fucking Notre Dame. I told my PSU alum friends that the only good result would be if the blimp crashed into the stadium, hopefully knocking down that stupid fucking "touchdown jesus" in the process(they're playing at ND right?)
and I'm only rooting for Texas because I can't stand Ohio State, their idiotic fans, and the whole shitty state. You finally have a couple of decent years after about thirty lame ones, no one's impressed.
Whataburger rules, I'll never forget the first one I had, in Tallahassee. joe snowball Posted: 9/7/2006by: antony are you now 'officially' on my tip? ....fag Long Live the SEC! Posted: 9/7/2006by: Joe Kickass Never eaten Whataburger...or White Castle. Sounds like a perfectly good reason for a pilgrimage.
Notre Dame has the second coolest mascot in college (behind the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs).
antony, you're a moron. And very unfunny. Please stop trying, I was sure you would tire yourself out.
Go Gators. blasphemy!... and titties Posted: 9/7/2006by: antony where the fuck is Uga!? and besides that, who the fuck cares about texas, or this other place, 'ohio'- seriously, what the fuck is an 'ohio'? and penn state, they are called the fucking 'nittany' lions!!! the only gayer mascot is the fucking hawaii rainbow! now that ND is playing a team other than one from Georgia, not named georgia southern (this team sucks ass) i can root for them again. even though they are called 'the irish', which fucking disgusts me. luckily all the players are black, which is a step up from catholic.
ohio and texas- there will be no winner, as both teams will die of heat stroke during pregame warm-ups
ND and penn- ND, easily.
UGA and sc- what the fuck do you think bitch!? UGA is gonna run over 60 against these punk ass marks! these asshole faggot motherfuckers lost us the fucking war of northern aggression and now i gotta listen fucking Lamovsky talk about how that asshole shitfucking drunkard u. grant won something other than a free vd from a new york hooker.
This Saturday's matchup between (AP) #4 Notre Dame and #19 Penn State has been fourteen years in the waiting - a despicable and unacceptable head-to-head time lapse involving two of college football's most prestigious football traditions. Because they are once again mashing facemasks, the rivalry's 8-8-1 split will be pushed in one program's favor. 
-Penn State's starting QB, Anthony Morelli, is long on potential, but short on actual performance. He's an unproven commodity who could legitimately turn into a steaming pile of quivering poop at the sight of the man-dals of Touchdown Jesus (Check that - Notre Dame built an addition to their stadium that now obstructs the view of college football's most famous religious notoriety. Sellouts.) But the fact that Morelli's first pass as a starting QB was a 42-yard touchdown strike in the pouring rain is a good indicator thou shalt not wilt. Granted, it was against the Zips of Akron. Fear the Roo! 
Charlie Weis versus Joe Paterno - Shower Bodies Extraordinaire
I am not a native Texan. As such, I have no particular love for Texas. I also am not a big fan of the University of Texas Longhorns football team. However, out of loyalty to the Big XII Conference, I will do my duty and defend Texas in these, the hallowed virtual halls of The Phat Phree.
Without further ado, reasons Texas is better than Ohio
Reasons Ohio is better than Texas
Reasons Ohio State will lose
Reasons Ohio State will beat Texas
J.P.'s Miscellaneous Ramblings
