So youre a teenager, and youve decided to start slowly killing yourself with alcohol. Congratulations! And welcome to the next exciting step towards your miserable adulthood. Those carefree days of having fun without the benefit of drinking will soon be long behind you, as you come to rely on booze in every conceivable activity in order to enjoy yourself. Eventually, everything from fishing trips to church services to your eight-year old daughters dance recital will be virtually unattendable without a little pregame help. Alcohol will be a social lubricant, a relationship crutch, a blessing and a curse. In fact, it will generally be the focal point of your life from here on out. Huzzah! We at The Phat Phree want to get you started off on the right foot. So heed our wise counsel as we attempt to make your indoctrination into teen drinking as smooth and hassle-free as our own was difficult and vomit-stained.
What Should We Teens Drink?
We know that youre all anxious to dive into the marvelous wonders of alcohol. Youve seen cool older kids and your TV heroes drinking all sorts of diverse, fascinating, often colorful libations. But please, heed our word and start off by only drinking the following:
Teen Boys: Domestic, canned beer. Teen Girls: Mikes Hard Lemonade. (Save the labels for your locker)
A lot of teens (ourselves included) had to learn the hard way that its better to ease yourself into alcohol by starting with these basic cornerstones than to run around willy-nilly, slamming anything that came in a bottle and smelled like it could power a snowmobile.
Do not make the following mistakes:
Hard Liquor This includes whiskey, rum, tequila, vodka, etc. The problem is that teens have no sense of when to say when. You have not yet learned how to interpret all of those warning signals that your teen bodies are sending you in response to the poison that youre overindulging in. You will therefore see no problem with drinking an entire liter of Pine Valley Well Gin. Youll then have to face the results: Suffering a massive stroke while streams of puke and shit simultaneously expel from every hole in your body.
Dont Be Fooled By Packaging Hey, whats this? Mad Dog 20/20!? Its got cartoon strawberries and bananas on the bottle! It cant hurt me! Its sweet and tastes like Kool-Aid! Im going to drink three of them really fast! Weee!
Random Stuff From Your Dads Liquor Cabinet Just because its in there doesnt mean its a drink. How many nights did my friends and I waste, cluelessly trying to consume an entire glass of Triple Sec, Sloe Gin, Dry Vermouth, or bitters? Too many to count, teens. Half Empties at Wedding Receptions You have no idea what are in these half-empty and abandoned glasses at the reception hall, but you are betting fairly heavily on them consisting of at least 50% booze. Problem is they might be 100% Bacardi 151, and thats why your Uncle Terry put it down just before he did the vomiting Gator out on the dance floor. At best, you will manage to drink some watered-down gin. At worst, be prepared to puke into a nearby plant, the DJ booth, or Aunt Mildreds Cleavage.
The Beer Bong Downing a beer is one thing, but would you risk for the rest of your life having to say that you suffered a stroke trying to drink a can of Old Milwaukee really fast? Also, ladies, watching a girl suck on a long hard beer bong hose makes me think of only one thing. And now you are thinking of it too. Chances are the drunken boys around you have been thinking it since they woke up today, and one might not want to encourage that, especially when they are about to voluntarily pass out in front of them.
Drinking Games Don't waste your time playing these games, teens. You will perfect these gay pastimes in college (if you go).These games should only be used to lure reluctant girls into drinking (Ladies, dont ever play drinking games).
The Best Ways To Get Booze:
So now that you know what to drink, you probably want to know how to get it. After all, youre only a teen. You teen boys dont look nearly old enough to buy beer with your patchy teen mustaches and underdeveloped shoulders. And you teen girls cant pass for 21 either, what with your tiny, supple teen bodies, still so taut and firm, having not yet begun to lose what will be a lifelong battle against gravity. Your innocent, cherubic, teen-girl faces that have not yet been exposed to lifes cruelties and therefore maintain a youthful optimism that is as intoxicating as it is naive. So perfect. So unspoiled. So eager to learn from the experience of an older man. Whoa. Sorry. As I was saying, there are several ways to acquire alcohol when underaged. Here are a few tried and true methods that will have you buzzin in no time.
The Fake I.D. If you can get your hands on one of these, youll be everyones hero. It doesnt even have to be very good. Just find someone of your same gender and a similar race and youre good to go (Some good excuses about not knowing your address by heart if they happen to ask you are: I just moved; Thats my school address, or Im developmentally retarded).
That One Shady Store Across Town Cant get a fake I.D.? No problem. Apparently unaware of your states liquor laws, this scary-ass convenience store on the other side of town not only vends booze to minors, but also sells whip-its and lets you watch a genuine cockfight in the back room for five dollars (Bet on El Hombre Grande).
Your Friends Stepbrother, Randy Randy will buy you beer, but beware; you will have to overpay him by about four hundred percent, bringing the grand total of that case of MGD to forty dollars. Additionally, he will forget what beer you requested and bring you back Genny Cream Ale instead. He will also drink four of them on his way home from the store. Deal with it.
That Homeless Guy With The Raiders Jacket On If available, this is by far your best option. That Homeless Guy With The Raiders Jacket On will be glad to buy you beer because it will temporarily give his life purpose. As compensation for his efforts, he will often offer the option of either paying him three dollars or listening to his theory about how his ex-girlfriend and the government are all robots that want him dead. Pay him the three dollars.
Places To Drink
Now that youve got your mind-altering substance, where should you consume it? Society still frowns upon underage drinkers, so you need a place that offers privacy, but at the same time, aesthetic stimulation. Here are some popular locations that have worked for teens for ages.
The Woods Near Your House A mainstay drinking destination utilized by the teenaged community for generations, The Woods Near Your House offers the perfect combination of isolation and adventure. Why dont you and your dude friends take some pornographic magazines and some fireworks out there and make a day of it?
Under That One Bridge By The Freeway Strewn about under That One Bridge By The Freeway are remnants of teens drinking outings from as far back as before Miller Lite changed it's can design. Its also a great place to catch up on your graffiti gossip. Did you know, for instance, that Eileen Lemish Loves Hard Cock and that Mike Beder Is A Faggit? You do now! Beware; however, as you might run into That Homeless Guy With The Raiders Jacket On for this is were he sleeps. Be prepared to pay him another three dollars as you find out how this bridge blocks Them Robot Rays.
Your Friend Brads Divorced Moms Rec Room Brads Divorced Mom has no qualms with Brad and his teen friends drinking in the basement. She thinks that all the other parents are uptight and reminds Brad that his father would never let Brad drink in he and his new wifes basement. I guess we know who the cool parent is in that scenario.
The Quarry We at The Phat Phree recognize the unlikelihood that there is a quarry within bike-riding distance of your house. But if you are one of these fortunate few, let us assure you that there is no cooler place to underage drink than a sweet, mysterious, rock-filled Quarry. See the not-so popular 1979 movie Breaking Away for proof of this.
We hope that this proves to be a valuable resource for you teens as you dive headfirst into the exciting world of underage drinking. And wed like to take this opportunity to remind all of our teen readers that, as we are all fully licensed drivers between the ages of 26 and 35, The Phat Phree Writing Staff could prove invaluable to you and your friends at any social occasion. And with nationwide representation throughout this great country, there is most likely one of us near you right now. So wheres the after-prom party at this year?
Aboard the Phat Phree's "Teen Bus 3000" Photo of the Nubile Youth by The Phat Phree's Own Mike Polk.
Phat Phree Staffers Jim Fath and Mike Polk collaborated on this piece.
what? Posted: 2/28/2006by: Ricky me and my friends usually just drink CLR or any other house hold cleaning products we can get a hold of, that way my parents think we are cleaning. We were drinking gas for a while but its more expensive than pinesol now. Spot On Posted: 2/27/2006by: Tom A Another good guy to have buy you beer is the cook/dishwasher/assistant mgr at work. you might have to drink one or two with him before heading to Brad's Mom's rec room, but small price to pay. truth Posted: 2/27/2006by: Steve McQueen You left out the classic move of stealing your parent's booze and replacing what you took with water.
Stilll gets a 5 though, funny stuff Hey Ummm...hello....kid Posted: 2/26/2006by: Steady Pete Well no shit guy. I follow. Note to tard: Steady Pete does not exist. The guy writing as Steady Pete is still in character. He was responding to Kid still in character. (nuts) My name is actually Victor French. I am a well known CHARACTER actor from the small screen. You've loved me for years on "Little House on the Prairie" and "Highway to Heaven". I know you wanna take a whiff of the inside of my shitty Oakland A's mesh cap. I know you wanna run your fingers through my musty beard, and I know you DONT wanna try and disrespect me, or I'll have "THE BOSS" level your ass with a bolt of lightning. Peace! I'm outie like Kurt Gowdy. Breaking Away? Posted: 2/26/2006by: RxPimp I really thought the article was well thought out and spot on. For all those AA members who found their way to the 12 step program by getting a head start before the age of 15, I say "Rehab is for Quitters". I am a bit miffed that you didn't give Breaking Away the much deserved respect this cult classic is worthy of. As a former underaged drinker/current booze hound and cycling enthusiast I would like to file a former complaint, and buy someone a drink.
Peace and much respect Eats, shoots and leaves. Posted: 2/26/2006by: Milo Damn that's funny and brings back many dry heaving memories. It would be nice if you guys could do just a little more grammar checking though before you go live. Look at this.
"Chances are the drunken boys around you have been thinking it since they woke up today, and one might not want to encourage that, especially when they are about to voluntarily pass out in front of them."
I know what you mean but your parents spent a lot of money sending you to college; make 'em proud. umm...hello? Posted: 2/26/2006by: umm...hello? hey steady pete, did you know that gullible is not in the dictionary? seriously look it up. while you're at it look up sarcasim, irony and comedy. retard. hey kid. Posted: 2/25/2006by: Steady Pete You are an obvious moron. Are you retarded? What I need you to do next is to go find 2 like-sized pieces of human shit, put them on a hoagie roll, and eat that motherfucker. Then I would be utterly pleased if you would beat yourself about the head and neck with mom's rolling pin. A lot. You may be asking yourself- hey! Steady Pete! How do I top this all off? Well, only one way to do that kiddo! Check under the kitchen sink. See that bottle of drain opener? Mix yourself a good ol' cocktail compliments of Steady fuckin' Pete you zit faced little shit. jesus doesnt drink? Posted: 2/25/2006by: kid dear steady pete
If you have read the bible or are forced to wake up at 730 and go to church every sunday you would know that one of the miraculous miracles Jesus managed to accomplish is taking ordinary water and turning into wine. Of course he drinks asshole. He probly pulled that trick off every day.
love, kid
this is not right. Posted: 2/25/2006by: Steady Pete I am a recovering alcoholic of 15 years, and I just wanted to say that this article deeply offended me. I am also that same whack-job that hangs out on college campuses and hands out AA leaflets in my crusty Jordache's and dog shit sandals. I'm nuttier than squirrel turds. Don't drink kids. Jesus would never drink. My teeth hurt.
Dont Be Fooled By Packaging
The Beer Bong
Your Friends Stepbrother, Randy
Under That One Bridge By The Freeway
The Quarry
