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This should be what your dog eats.
I know that the new “in” thing to do for couples who live together and are figuring out if they want kids, is to buy a dog. Great idea and I appreciate the effort, as does our over-populated earth, but just because you’ve owned your dog for six months (not counting the days and days it ran away after your dumb ass left the sliding door open) doesn’t give you carte blanche to then have a child. There are some rules that must be accompanied with the owning of the dog, nay, rearing of the dog, that must be followed in order for you to procreate.
Rule #1: Handle your shit.
Ok folks. YOU own the dog. This was YOUR choice. When you invite me over and I walk in the house, I’d rather not be welcomed by paws to the throat and spit to the face. I’ve been mauled by a pack of jackals and left the scene with less scars. I don’t know what you’re doing over here but the apparent Jet Li guard dog tactics are a little ridiculous. YOU guys invited ME over. If you want me to ever come back, handle your shit BEFORE your dog “Zidanes” my ass.
Rule #2: Get a smaller dog.
I get it: you bought your own house. But when you live in a 650 square foot…square, you can’t get a dog that oozes rage like it was from 28 Days Later. If the dog has to be tied up to the leg of a fucking couch to keep him in line, yet he proceeds to drag said couch wherever he wants to go, you need to seriously rethink your purchase.
Calves being prepped to be veal chops have more space than this dog. If your dog ran with the bulls at Pamplona…and everyone thought it was a bull- get a smaller dog.
Not sure if your dog qualifies as “too big”? Let’s see:
If other human beings genuinely fear for their lives after seeing your dog,
If your dog can eat your dinner off the stove while on all fours,
If he slobbers his water all over the place to leave your entire apartment two inches deep in water and dogspit,
Or if he just keeps circling around and around because he…just…can’t…seem…to find that comfortable spot in the house…
You need to get a smaller dog. That is, unless you do something stupid and buy a dog that I want to kick. In that case:
I think that might be a grizzly bear.
Rule #3: Get a bigger dog.
Let’s get one thing straight guys: if your girlfriend can pick your dog up without having to strain and can put it in her purse, kill it. I thought you were buying a dog! Man’s best friend! Stop being such pussies!
If you wanted a toy poodle, why not just have an 80’s aerobics instructor and Zsa Zsa Gabor mate, add dog DNA and wait for the offspring? Fuck! And don’t even think about pugs. I have no respect for any guy who lives with his girlfriend and their pug, “Peaches”. In fact, I’ll fight you.
Any dog that’s going to yelp like a little bitch when I play with it or be mistaken for an opossum when I see it out of the corner of my eye is not a part of canis familiaris. Because that Maltese sure doesn’t have any canines worth talking about, and it’s only familiarity lies with a dirty mop head.
Rule #3a: It’s pretty simple. A real dog is big enough to sniff the ass of any other dog smaller than a pony, and has equal hair length across its body.
Rule #4: Take care of the fucking thing!
That limp your dog has is because its leg is broken! That awful cough he has isn’t a hairball…it’s the checkers piece you let him chew on that’s stuck in its throat!
You know something’s wrong when you enter a house and the dog doesn’t even get up and greet you. It kind of picks its head up with the only ounce of soul he has left in him and then exhales heavily as he drops his head back down. That dog is trying to send a message, people!!
And if it does approach, no one likes to go to someone’s house and have a neglected dog come to you pleading for its life. If the only reason a dog gets up is to show you that there are tumors on its belly, you jackasses shouldn’t have kids.
Seriously...What the fuck is that?
If you want your children and you’re preparing yourself by getting a canine first, make sure when I come over that your knee-high dog, having no alterations done to its hair length, approaches me at a CIVILIZED speed, wagging its tail.
No slobber should be strewn across my pants. No claw marks left on my jugular. A gentle snout to the crotch area is acceptable because after all, dogs are territorial and they need to know what’s up in their own house.
If your dog can handle that, then you can think about having kids, but not before. Oh, and if your dog is licking his balls, LET HIM BE! Your son’s going to furiously masturbate one day, so you might as well get used to it.
"if your girlfriend can pick your dog up without having to strain and can put it in her purse, kill it. "
excellent "rule of thumb"
antony
fucking beautiful
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Posted: 8/28/2006 10:12:02 AM
i haven't had to pretend that i was choking to cover my laughter in a good long while...well done sir, well done. maybe you could do a piece on cats that can't seem to keep their evil little noses out of the whiskey cup?
Dave B
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Posted: 8/28/2006 10:28:12 AM
"If the only reason a dog gets up is to show you that there are tumors on its belly, you jackasses shouldn’t have kids."
That sounds a lot like my parents' dog... kinda speaks volumes, doesn't it?
Christine
Awesome
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Posted: 8/28/2006 10:41:13 AM
Good job!! I hate little dogs and kids, but I think me and that huge dog in that picture would get along swimmingly.
Milton
NICE
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Posted: 8/28/2006 12:55:47 PM
Best of the day. I was getting worried.
I have a Pit and a Rottie. Nothing is worse than when idiots get dogs and decide to let them grow without training. Get a book or go to PetSmart.
It is an animal and like your sister needs to be trained.
5 mfds.
Kels
REBOUND?
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Posted: 8/28/2006 3:58:48 PM
This had better not been targeted at the Bound! I am going to let him pee on your bed again if it is
vilks
Best Article EVER
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Posted: 8/28/2006 6:36:04 PM
You are a serious genious man. Love the Zidane reference!
Chris
good article
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Posted: 8/28/2006 6:56:39 PM
i can't say one bad thing about this article other than a misplaced word or punctuation but who cares, you ain't gettin' paid for it yet....
fuck, and it made me chuckle a couple times.
good job. this is the type of writing i expect to see on this site.
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