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#1 + #2 = #3
Every year people with too much money die needless deaths crashing their Ferrari’s into mountains of diamonds or choking to death on gold-wrapped poached Bald Eagle eggs. Each and every year I can’t help but wonder why? Why waste the most valuable of our citizen’s lives on simple everyday mishaps related to their needed excesses when instead, if maybe, just maybe they knew how to waste their money safely they might have survived. This said I feel obligated to provide a list of 9 ways anyone can waste money and maybe avoid the aforementioned ways so many millions have died.
1. Attend Fashion School Now this might only waste $100,000 when you only consider tuition, but let’s look at the whole picture? In the 8.5 years it will take you to almost finish, just think about all the money you will spend on clothing, Vodka and soda’s, RU-486, side salads for dinner, blow, issues of Cosmopolitan, annoyingly oversized sunglasses, and Veterinary bills for your Puggle?
2. Invest in the Children of Tomorrow What is the key to any good investment? Research. What is the best way to research the “Children of Tomorrow”? By looking at the “Children of Today”. They are a bunch of losers. Every time I see another fourteen dozen products that go over the top to seem “extreme” and in so doing make me want to put my head in an oven, I think to myself ‘thanks a lot 13 year olds of the world’. You suck, douchebags.
3. Get Married After You Make All Your Money There is no better way on this list to waste money than to get married to someone after you have made it rich. Right now you might be thinking to yourself that I am wrong and you will only get married for love and to someone meaningful, but that’s why you will die when your yacht capsizes because it is overloaded with Van Gogh’s on one side of the galley. Find a woman who asks what you do before they ask anything else about you, who is clearly much better looking than you are, and marry her immediately without a pre-nup or a single question about her past. I guarantee you will never have to worry the Van Gogh thing.
I'm even tastier if you torture me.
4. Start a Candy Company Not just any candy company, but the best candy company in the world. Then once everyone is hooked on your stuff have a press conference and tell the world the main ingredient that makes it so delicious is dead baby seals. If anyone even begins to question the validity of this statement immediately club a baby seal with an over sized chocolate bar and take off your pants.
5. Record your 1st Album Everybody wants to be a rock star, so why not you? So how can you guarantee a substantial loss in wealth from merely recording an album, especially when so many skid-marks do it and are somehow successful? Well I’ll tell you how. Hire an out of work porn actress, a writer/producer from Oxygen, and two Chimpanzees to write all of the songs. Next request that all of your songs be recorded on gold records and printed on real gold CD’s, if anyone asks why say “Cause I’m solid gold baby!” Legally change your name to Solid Gold and name the first album “Melt Me Down to Make a Watch, or Possibly Some Rings, or Even a Necklace if that’s What You Are Into”. Anytime you are interviewed take every possible opportunity to repeat the entire name of the album. Then suddenly change your name to Liquid Gold and pee on the judge and constantly on strangers from that point on. When asked specify that the two are completely unrelated.
6. Write a Movie about Writing a Movie …About Writing a movie. Seriously, write a movie about a writer who is writing a movie about writing a movie. Get all the different characters mixed up constantly so that both spatial and temporal time are a complete and utter shit-show. Name all the characters the same thing, even one’s unrelated to the writer writing about writing about writing. Like if the character in the story that’s about writing about writing, that’s being written, has a girlfriend, name her his name too. Also hire all Bollywood actors and pay them scale with scale being based on the construction of the Death Star in real world dollars.
2.5 MPH to Doucheburg
7. Sue Yourself What better way to blow money than buried in pointless litigation? Sue yourself for intellectual property rights saying that you stole your own idea for a Segway that has 3 wheels and goes even slower and is twice the size of the current model. After the case gets tossed for obvious reasons sue the judge for sexual harassment, claim he repeatedly text messaged you phrases like “I want to blumpkin the bullshit out of you”. Before anyone has a chance to ask explain the aforementioned sexual act to reporters in as much detail as possible.
8. Buy the State of Nebraska Not only is this a poor investment for the obvious reasons but one you’ve purchased it instantly declare it your own independent country. Make the chief exports awesomeness, expired crates of grade C generic Vicodin, and used sex toys. Immediately claim to have a huge supply of crude oil for sale. After the U.S. invades because intelligence said to, immediately surrender and offer up your supply. Introduce them to crude Earl, after a barrage of dirty jokes and attempts to get the U.S.’ younger sisters number the U.S. will take whatever money your country has left and pretend it was never there in the first place, problem solved.
9. By low-risk high-growth tax-free mutual funds. I’m just kidding, what the fuck is a mutual fund anyways? It sounds like something a girl who got impregnated during a gang-bang porno shoot would pull her abortion money from. What’s that god? I’m now officially going to hell? Jokes on you buddy I’ve been on my way for a while…
That was in-fucking-credible. I was reading this during my morning cup of coffee after some oatmeal and I nearly crapped myself right at my desk. This might be the best article since "25 Life Lessons" or "Top 50 Ways to Get Fired"
If you'll excuse me I have to run to H+M and buy another pair of pants that will only be good for one wear.
Kotter
Excellent
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Post #: 2
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Posted: 11/13/2006 10:57:57 AM
A solid 5 for you, sir.
bmack
Oh God, please...
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Posted: 11/13/2006 2:20:46 PM
...learn how to use an apostrophe. This is an embarrassing article.
Jeff Gonick
Oh God, Douche...
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Posted: 11/13/2006 3:23:10 PM
Dear Madam,
Pleases directs all futures"[[ commenta-+ry in regards to issues **with punctuation, Spelllling, grammar etcte. should be dirsected to Microsoft because. inwriting just like everything else in life, I trust computers! blindly and any failiagn in my written esxapression is absolutelay no falt ov my own and instead, all honus lies complettely on spell/grammar chekc and it's empty promises' to do it's job.
thanks douchemonger,
sincarely
jeff gonick
I passed grade 4
.
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Post #: 5
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Posted: 11/13/2006 3:31:21 PM
Well some people like to assume, since you are trying to pass yourself off as a writer, that your English is up to a grade 5 standard, or that you might have read the article before submitting it. I guess that's a negatory on both counts.
Christine
Jeff
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Posted: 11/13/2006 3:39:34 PM
Good Job! Very well done. In the future, do not defend yourself. Bmack is fucking loser and we all know it. Sometimes silence says more.
I just made that up and I think that's pretty good.
Ron Mexico
damn funny
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Posted: 11/13/2006 5:52:50 PM
I thought it was great. Very thoughtful article. You could also purchase hatian children and keep them as slaves. They're fairly expensive, and the government's just going to take them away from you.
Bill
Hey Ron,
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Posted: 11/14/2006 12:08:54 AM
how's the herpes? Tough break.
Me
#2 = So true
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Posted: 11/25/2006 6:27:37 PM
Refer to my title: #2 is so true.
michael
ssuka google zaebal
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 12/1/2006 8:30:29 AM
Minkaxxx Free Lovemaking Techniques Nude Reporters flinstones sex Naked Bubbles Powerpuff Girls ligar sexo contactos Sexy Ellie naked girles Sean Connery Nude Sexiest Dimes
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