Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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"You're not a criminal unless you get caught." That's what the guy who used to beat me that was fucking my mom would say. And damnit, Uncle Jimmy was right. Everyone should have a few of those kinds of sayings that help govern their lives. You just actually have to live by them. Uncle Jimmy however thought he could clobber a Sikh with a forty of Mickey's a snatch a roll of Winner Take All lotto scratches. But his court supervised visits throughout my childhood gave me a chance to adopt some of my own pearls of wisdom as well as a reason to buy my first gun.
10."A wet nap and some Axe do not count as hygiene." A toothpick also does not count as brushing your teeth. The Puerto Rican shower (using some paper towels in a public bathroom to wash out your pits) is acceptable for a quick fix. But if you are going out on a date have some respect for yourself and take a fucking shower. You smell like a Phish concert and patchouli makes me violent.
9."Anyone with a penis should be far more concerned about what leaves their body than what enters it." Fuck calories! If you shit enough there is no problem. If eating 17 Krispy Kremes and half a block of government cheese means I gotta chug Castor Oil to get things moving, then so be it. Oh, and honey, don't even think about putting one of your digits in my poop chute. Do I look like Bam Margera? I didn't bring you home with me because I needed a new beard like his wife Missy who obviously straps one on and stirs his lunch. You are Naomi Watts, I am King Dong and this shit is about to get prehistoric on your ass.
8."Everything is better with bacon." Seriously. Cobb Salad, check. BLT, check. Bacon wrapped filet mignon, check. I defy you to find anything that is completely disgusting with bacon. I had Fruity Pebbles with bacon once and that shit was delicious.
7."Dear Stripper, your C-section scars are not sexy." I don't mind the underarm scars where Pimp My Chest installed your new booming system. I can even deal with the bruises and knuckle prints that your "boyfriend" left about your Chest neck, and thighs. But I came to see your vertical smile not the horizontal one that a baby was lifted from. And don't give me that fucking appendectomy shit either. Just give me my 20 dollars back and go hang yourself in the back while I drink a Pabst and listen to "Milkshake" for the 17th time tonight.
6."You honor those aren't brass knuckles, they are just a belt buckle." And is it really so wrong to defend myself with a belt? Yes I saw the display case of foreign objects collected at Cleveland Hopkins airport, but I didn't think that applied to me. This isn't a cigarette lighter made to look exactly like a Glock 17L. Nor is it tube of lipstick with a telescoping baton and a 6inch blade. I mean, it actually keeps my pants up. The lipstick wasn't functional. This is purely a fashion statement that says I will wear what I want or I will wear your teeth on my fist.
5."No one cares about local politics until their car gets towed" George Bush and Bill Clinton had almost no effect on my life, but that fucking council man who decided 8 AM Tuesday morning was a good time for street cleaning has fucked me out of 1700 dollars this year.
4."Gloves are for boxers and proctologists." Gloves were not cool when Michael Jackson wore one. Gloves were not cool when breakdancers would cut the fingers tips off of them. And unless Miss Daisy is in the backseat they aren't cool for driving either. Be a man. Get your fucking hands dirty. I guarantee some Lava will remove any bit of foulness accumulated as well as your top three layers of skin, so you have nothing to worry about.
3."Red Bull does give you wings" but so do cocaine and Jack Daniels so choose wisely. Do you want to be the penitent man praying to the porcelain god? Do you want to spend all your money to grind out your fillings? Or do you just want to be a hyperactive prick ready to fight anyone that breaths. Personally I find mixing all three has a very calming effect" on children.
2."Tivo is supposed to make watching TV faster." It does not exist so you can pause the show to tell everyone in the room the "Walt is behind the island's mysteries" theory that you read on thetailsection.com yesterday. It does not mean that you can get up and take a dump right when Monk is about to solve the stupid crime you just made me watch for 50 minutes. It does not give you license to imdb Wing Kong Baddie #2, who was of course played by Al Leong who not only made appearances in Riptide, MacGuyver and Simon and Simon, but also has appeared in several Andy Sidaris films as well Die Hard and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure right when Thunder and Lightning are about to show up and whoop Jack Burton's monkey ass. Oh, sorry. Back to the show.
1."Save The Cheerleader, Save The World." My new mantra. When you think about it, this far better than some Earlism like "Do good things and good things happen." Saving cheerleaders is a good thing. First off all they eat less than most people, which is food conservation. And even if they do eat too much they typically give it back. Second they are always cheering about things. I just watched "The Secret" and Oprah keeps telling me that positive energy attracts more good vibes. What could be more positive than some screaming "fight, fight, fight!" all the time? And the best reason to save cheerleaders, they're stackable. You can easily store up to ten of them in a convenient pyramid in any corner of your house.
Posts: 55 Rank: 151 Joined:
1/8/2007
Location:
Johannesburg, South Africa
Posted: 3/23/2007 8:08:23 AM
This is deffinately the shittiest Wrestlemania line-up ever. And seeing that I'm on the wrong side of 30, that says a lot. The Dead Man will have to give it up soon, but please god, don't let it be to the walking fridge. There is something seriously gay about a guy that uses "the spear" as one of his signature moves. He might has well have called it the "huge throbbing pink piece of meat" move. Fag.
Posts: 1062 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 3/23/2007 8:32:33 AM
might actually wear out his welcome with me on this one... i'll probably rent it though - there is no reason to pay to see 90 minutes of 9 foot bulge.
Q&A 1. "the gambler" is a wise motherfucker. "know when to hold 'em - know when to fold 'em" 2. after "prepping" tony romo's footballs, antonella gears up for march madness... 3.willem dafoe - i know "spiderman" has taken him out of this category in terms of fame, but before that, EVERY role he's played has been awesome (clear & present danger; boondock saints, american psycho, platoon, once upon a time in mexico) - never huge or lead roles, but is always legit.
that picture just made me hurt myself. This WM's gonna blow. Notice how they give their big stars the worst fucking moves. Like four people use the spear, four use the choke slam. Batista-power bomb. Lashley - Power slam. What the fuck? If they'd watched any of that Wrestling Society X, they'd realize that there are thousands of moves out there that have been created in the past two decades. Steal some of them!
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 3/23/2007 10:08:58 AM
1. "Yes, I'd like another one."
2. "Is this basketball doing enough to distract them from my face?"
3. J.T. Walsh (R.I.P.)...he was the ultimate "that guy" and almost always managed to play a dick. Every movie was better with him in it.If they had a hall of fmae for this stuff they would name it after him.
God damn this was good. You needed to bring it all after Charlie left you haning without the set-up jab, and you did just that. Take an extra hour of leave and make 4-6 (more) Cuban whores happy and $3.50 richer.
Question 1: When all is said and done...there's nothing left to say or do.
Caption: How Tyler Hansbrough really broke his nose.
Question the Last: Kam Phong (as Chin Ho. Or is it the other way around?)
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