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Blrrrrrggllrggh! Kidney beans and onions make nice little splashies when you shoot them back out of your esophagus into the shallow water of a Kohler Devoshire 350. As you can probably tell, I got really drunk this weekend and puked a lot. I managed to make it to the bathroom at Millie’s before I lost my chunks, but I couldn’t really stand after that. Normally that would be fine and I would have just taken a little bathroom nap in that one corner that wasn’t both wet and sticky, except for the total dehydration I was experiencing.
I knew I needed to get some fluids back in my system, so after splashing a little toilet water on my face to freshen up I thought, “why crawl all the way over to the sink? I’ll just cup some of this commode water in my hand and drink a little to get me jump-started.” You’re probably thinking that’s disgusting, but it was, surprisingly, a lot like Gatorade. It was just slightly off-color, with that light saltiness that helps you retain water when you are dehydrated. It also had just a touch of sweetness to it, but I think that was probably from the bits of Chili-Kraut dog and Sloe Gin Fizz I had sprayed all over that porcelain god. I never could handle those pussy drinks.
Sugar and booze is like my own personal speedball. If they ever made a "Behind the Music" of my life, the turning point won’t be mixing Coke with Heroin like minute four of the Crosby, Stills and Nash story. It’ll be mixing Karo Syrup and Tequila for me. So anyway, I learned my lesson. Next time I go drinking with Shrapnel Smith over at Millie’s Pub I’m gonna drink a handful of toilet water before I start throwing back the boat drinks and carnival food. “To All My Friends!”
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Is it me or does this movies star, Camilla Bell, look like a cross between Jack Bauer’s jail bait daughter and Leelee Sobieski? Maybe it’s just my mind fucking with me because she’s trapped in a Glass House in some ridiculous predicament just short of her mother having amnesia for a few episodes. Maybe she is reminding me of Neve Campbell, because the scary stalker is calling from inside the house. I hate it when movies rip off Scream. But wait- when Wes Craven did it he was ripping off the original version of this movie that was made back in 1979. That’s right. You've been suckered again. 22 million dollars worth of teens rushed out to see this frightless dud before realizing that they weren’t even cool enough to reference the original flick in their MySpace blogs.
In the days before cell phones and caller ID, the idea for this movie was certainly creepy. Now it’s pretty much ninety minutes of this girl’s thick-ass eyebrows fluttering up and down as she ponders whether or not the stalker will figure out that the lifeless children she is babysitting must already be dead, since they haven’t made a peep throughout the entire film. Whatever for this suspenseless, hacky remake. There is more tension in an episode of "Deal Or No Deal", since I am constantly on pins and needles waiting for Howie Mandel to pull a rubber glove out of one of those briefcases and inflate it on his head with his nose. Yeah, you thought we forgot Howie. No dice. Your old shtick was borderline Gallagher. A haircut, a diet, and a game show can’t ever erase that.
Is it wrong of me to want to bang Allison Hannigan like a Real-Doll? It’s not even that band camp pussy flute line or her subsequent references to taking the dirt road in American Pie 2 that does it for me. She just has that kind of look that makes me want to lay my forearm across her neck and choke-fuck the shit out of her. Somehow though, I get the feeling that she is looser that the slots at Pechanga. Regardless, was there a reason to spoof Wedding Crashers? Isn’t that movie already a comedy? And Jesus, Lloyd Dobbler and his boom box? I’m a bonafide fucking hard ass, and I even like Say Anything.
The first two Scary Movies were okay, but no one has done one of these spoof movies right since the fucking Zucker brothers did the first Airplane! And whoever thought a gross-out comedy would be a great date movie was probably the nephew of some half dead movie exec. That’s like inviting R. Kelly to your daughter's Bat Mitzvah. Look, if you don’t want piss on the cake, then you either put up a splashguard or trap R. Kelly back in the closet. The same should be said for the spoof genre. You can’t expect good results from just making gags out of other people’s work. The best thing about this movie is that it was released in Febraury, so no one will care or see it.
The networks of NBC have repeatedly reminded me that they are, in fact, the home of the Olympics. And that’s exciting news. All those bright GE light bulbs lighting a human collage of the heart is almost a beautiful thing. Except these are the Winter Olympics that we are talking about here. You know the ones with Mucklucking and Ice Fishing. Or whatever the fuck people in Canada like. Thank god the host country is Italy. That’s the only way to get any female hockey player to eat sausage. Though there have been several times when I have offered to dip mine in a nice marinara. And at least the Italians wheel out some real old school talent for their big show. I’m no fan of opera, but I’ll take Pavarotti over the Rolling Stones or the half-dead sarcophagus of Sly Stone anyday.
But as Charlie DeMarco and a few of our others writers noted last week, no one fucking cares about the events in the Winter Olympics. Flying Tomato? Fuck you. If snowboarding is a sport, then so is pocket pool. Luge? I’m not saying there isn’t some skill involved, but it’s pretty much all about the guy who can slather himself in the most KY and hold on to that fucking thing, right? I mean, the times vary by hundredths of a second. Any sport where forty guys are that evenly matched every four years should just be considered a draw until the end of time. And Jesus… Women’s Moguls? First of all, what kind of sick bastard says, “yeah that bumpy hill looks like fun, I’ll learn that.” And second, hasn’t anyone ever figured out that watching women do moguls at 15 MPH is about as fun as watching my 93 year old granny back her 74 Buick out of an 80-foot driveway? Speed skating? I heard one of the announcers call it NASCAR on ice during the event where Antoine Sunny Bono or whatever his name is fucked up and almost got his finger sliced off. Even if he had lost a pinky, that would not be nearly as good as a flaming car crash. Honestly, real NASCAR is boring enough. Who would want to gay it up by having men turn left in ice skates and running tights? Boo.
Speaking of skating, the highest ratings came in when Michele Kwan fucking quit. What the fuck kind of professional athlete trying to achieve their lifelong dream quits when they still have ten days to get into shape? Fuck her and fuck that little bratty Olympic-kid-sister-in-waiting sitting back in New York praying for Kwan's doom so she can get her shot. Who cares if she has a chance to warm up or not- she sucks. She can warm up at home by slathering her feet in Crisco and doing triple flips on a Slip N Slide in the living room for all I care. Kwan is a cry baby too. A real champion would have fought through the pain until the very last fucking minute. Walter Payton wouldn’t quit unless his leg was ripped from the socket. John McEnroe would fight an old lady if it would get him a win. Michael Jordan wouldn’t have quit unless there was blood dripping from his groin. But maybe that was the problem. Maybe it was that time of the month and Kwan thought if she slipped that she might spot on the ice. Or maybe her pad would fuck up the sexy cameltoe look she had styled into her tights. Honestly, I think it was a matter of oxygen. That chick has a nose like Sugar Shane Mosley and I bet she just couldn’t breath through that mother fucker. It’s a shame too. If her nose didn’t look like it just went five rounds with Chuck Lidell, she’d almost be as hot as Kobe Tai… almost. Regardless, she’s a fucking quitter. No gold for you. But I’m sure they could use you on next season’s "Skating With The Stars". I heard Robert Blake is looking for a partner. But don’t quit on him; he’ll take you out to dinner and kill your sorry ass.
There are two events worth mentioning, however. The first is the Biathlon. Cross-country skiing kind of sucks, but when you add high-performance rifles into the mix, then you’ve got the makings of something special. Even if these guys suck and don’t get a medal, they have learned a real-life skill that at the very least can get them work in the next James Bond sequel. Shooting and skiing is a real talent. But the best winter sport in the world is played indoors on the ice. And no, I’m not talking about hockey, which is really just Canadian for "fag soccer". I’m talking about Curling. Yeah, I said it, Olympic Motherfucking Curling. You know why this sport rocks? Because it’s some shit I could actually see myself tossing back a few Pabsts with the boys and doing myself. I mean, it’s like Bocce Ball on ice. Games like that and horseshoes have been on this planet almost as long as hookers. And a beer gut and bad gas from that burrito you ate won’t stop you from being one of the best in the world. Who wouldn’t have fun sliding across the ice and pushing a “rock” into scoring position by knocking your opponent to the curb?
And whoever thought of the fucking brooms is a genius. No need for a Zamboni. The ice gets cleaned as part of the fucking game! Brilliant! I was devasted when the U.S. team caught an upset loss to Finland the other day. Total garbage! One throw around that damn guard could’ve made the difference. But the U.S. is still in it, with a win over Norway the next day. Personally, I hope all the other Winter Olympians are maimed in a horrific bobsled accident, but curling should live on forever! Too bad they are only showing it at like, 10 AM on CNBC.
Where do wrestlers go when they leave Vince’s good graces? Well, most of them just die, like the Junkyard Dog, Miss Elizabeth, Rick Rude, and Andre The Giant. Or they move back to Canada like Bret Hart. Or they go wrestle in Japan like Mike Awesome, who is regularly seen in the volcanic island country doing his best Russell Crowe-as-the-Gladiator. But even with WWE having bought up both it’s main competitors, WCW and Paul E Dangerously’s fledging, star-making ECW, yet another farm league has sprouted up to give glory to the has-beens, never-weres, and never-will-bes of the future. If you ever wonder what happened to Edge’s former Brood “brother” Christian, or the widest man in the world, Rhyno, or those table-breaking menaces the Dudley’s, or the Road Dog and Assman of Degeneration X, or those twin referees, the Hebner brothers, well then, you are a wrestling whore and probably need to go sign up on Eharmony or something because you don’t get laid enough. But the answer is they all ended up on Spike TV in the middle of the night on Saturdays.
With a name like TNA, you’d think they have some hot chicks, but somehow they only ended up with Jackie Gayda and Gail Kim. Only thing that makes them hot is if I pretend they are Joan Chen and Anne Heche rubbing each others' pink tacos in Wild Side.
Sadly, TNA claims to be the promotion with the greatest belt legacy around, but it’s not. This is not the belt worn by Lou Thesz, Harley Race, Terry Funk, Ric Flair, Ronnie Garvin, Kerry Von Erich, or Rick Steamboat. No that old NWA belt was taken to WCW by Flair in 1993 and has now made it all the way to WWE as the World Heavyweight Title belt worn by Kurt Angle (not that spinny bling piece of shit Cena wears). Sadly, TNA doesn’t even have the replacement NWA belt that was given to Shane Douglas after Flair left. Douglas threw that belt down and declared it the ECW title instead. Nope, TNA has some piece-of-shit belt buckle that someone found at a Duke and Duchess truckstop along route 81, with no real lineage- unless you count gracing the waists of Ron Killings, Ken Shamrock, Raven, and just this week, the waist of the aforementioned Christian Cage after he beat that fledgling mid card flunky that once lost to Chyna in some kind of ironing-board match... Jeff Jarrett. Given, Jarrett is basically running the show over there, but on a good day those two in a title match is about as exciting as watching the Blue Meanie wrestle Viscera/Mable.
But there is one former TNA champ worth mentioning, though his Heavyweight title reign is not what makes him any good. The Phenomenal A.J. Styles's true prowess is in the X division, not the Heavyweight title picture, and his high flying athletic antics make him the star you need to see if you are a wrestling fan than hasn’t been watching TNA. He’s got the moves that Rey Mysterio dreams about at night. His feuds with Samoa Joe and Chris Daniels make the Rob Van Dam vs. Jerry Lynn Feud look like a Heat match before a PPV. In the ring, he’s like watching Jet Li do wire work and he’s more evasive than Dick Cheney after a weekend hunting excursion. Sure, his work on the stick sucks, but anyone watching wrestling for the acting better hope the Rock comes back soon because most of these guys are about as witty as Bob Costas’ Olympic commentaries, which are at best one notch above Dennis Miller’s stint on "Monday Night Football".
Regardless, my advice is to TIVO past the Kane wannabes and washed-up familiar faces like Konan and Shannon Moore, and just skip right to whatever action is going on in the X division. The old WCW crusierweight division, or even a Tajira vs. Super Crazy match, would bore you compared to some of what even the lowliest jobbers in this division are doing on a nightly basis. And what A.J. Styles is doing will flat-out blow your mind.
What’s more exciting: the Winter Olympics, Christian Cage holding the NWA World Title, or our Vice President shooting another man in the face and then acting like he just dropped his fork on the floor and the waiter will be around with another one in no time? Let me know what you think of the Winter Olympics so far, what your favorite wrestling moment outside of WWE/WWF is, and what you think of the antics of the evil genius that secretly runs our country and mortally wounds his friends on his days off.
Napalm, you have ability to diagnose entertainment with the vigor and accuracy of a sniper using bullets from that movie Runaway. Curling rules in 06! To bad the woman’s team, who supposedly had a shot at a medal, has done nothing but disrespect the sport and our country since the moment they stepped on the sheet. At least the men's team shows up for work and can throw a stone without showing their teeth every five minutes.
I don't know which I like better, watching the granite rocks slide or listening to the teams scream words in different languages.
As far as your boy Doc Cheney getting liberal with his street howitzer, I blame the other guy. He should had better known better than to run up on a bunch of old men without making his presence obvious. Bad time to try out your ninja skills if you ask me.
deuce
Q&A
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Posted: 2/17/2006 7:19:11 AM
also enjoyed your take on curling.. i read that one of the "athletes" is 55 - fucking awesome. in a world where you are a washed up, has-been at 24, curling is the breath of fresh air that gives fat, lazy fucks like myself inspiration... almost.
as for cheney, napalm, being the munitions expert that you have proven yourself to be over & over, i can't really see how it's a big deal. the guy snuck up on a 75 year old with a heart condition & a loaded gun. however, a 28 guage w/ bird shot at 30 yds?? please, thats the equivalent of cheney reaching into his pocket and tossing a handful of tic-tacs at the old bastard or chick feeding a handful of corn that they were no doubt using to bait the field.. if i was on the receiving end though, i would totally brag about taking a shotgun blast to the face at 80 yrs old.
J-Rock
yep
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Posted: 2/17/2006 8:52:26 AM
I have to say I'm pretty pissed at Napalm right now. I am actually watching Women' curling right this second. I thought this would be stupid, but there this hot Blonde girl on the USA team that seems to be slightly better at sliding that thing that the equally hot Russian chick. Why is this on at 5 in the morning? It's on USA, not CNBC though.
Jerry Lynn Vs. RVD might have been some of the best wrestling matches ever. Styles is good, but not that good. But best napalm reviews so far this year anyway.
Chenney should be allowed to shoot at least one person himself a year. It's only fair that they guys who send others out to shoot people in the face should at least know what the experience is like.
Jesse L.
Nice job, Napes
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Posted: 2/17/2006 10:01:51 AM
Favorite Wrestling Moment- The first time I saw Mick Foley wrestle as "Mankind", with the mandible claw. Christ, that was pure comedy. The announcers were freaking out, which made it even funnier, since of course they knew about the whole thing beforehand, but had to feign incredulity.
As far as Dick Cheney is concerned, look at it this way: people get on his case (and Bush's) for being chickenhawks, for sending men into harm's way without having the nuts to pick up a gun and go fight themselves. Well, now Cheney can get up in front of the White House press corps and say, "Fuck you all. I do my own wetwork." Also, you'd have to be crazy to go hunting with a man who is accountable to no one. Y'all realize that Cheney could have killed that dude, buried him in the woods, and gotten away with it? If I ever go into the woods with a guy packing a gun, I'm going to make sure he can't get away with murder.
DAMN RIGHT!
Curling
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Posted: 2/17/2006 10:40:26 AM
Curling might be the most strategic and interesting sport in Olympic history. Too bad I have to get up at the crack of fucking dawn to watch it on CNBC with all those Jim Cramer Mad "seriously, stop screaming at me this early" Money commercials.
Christine
Your
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Posted: 2/17/2006 10:43:02 AM
Critque of When A Stranger Calls is so ridiculously accurate that I am a little freaked out. i mean, right down to the eyebrow comment.
All Mel Brooks spoofs are hysterical and I am not afraid to go over your helmet on this one Napalm. I have long nails that can do some serious damage, so back off!
Mens figure skating is so funny. I know you rugged men probably do not tune in, but I suggest you do. Its awesome to see these little Nancies crying when their triple toe loop is a fraction off.
No comment on the Cheney matter.
cw
USA
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Posted: 2/17/2006 10:56:30 AM
Women's curling just went into OT! 60 minutes ago I knew nothing about this sport, now I'm glued to see if US women can pull out the win over Russia.
Christian makes a good TNA champ. He was totally overlooked in WWF. Was the PPV any good? Thinking about getting replay.
karl
What's the deal
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Posted: 2/17/2006 11:07:43 AM
Lots of wrestling and drunken puking on this website. My kind of site and funny too. New Jack jumping off of the balcony in ECW was pretty sick. In fact lots of stuff in ECW beat all of the stuff you see now, even the X Division. Winter Olympics have been kind of dull except for Snow Boarding.
cw
WTF!!!!!!
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Posted: 2/17/2006 11:10:01 AM
They aren't showing the OT of women's curling for some stupid hockey game. I say we protest the games Hamas style!
Napalm Jones
Brattatattatatttatata!
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Posted: 2/17/2006 11:14:10 AM
CHRISTINE, might you be referring to Robin Hood: Men In Tights? If so you may need to have portions of your frontal lobe inspected for tumors. Even Mel Books won't watch that movie. Dave Chappelle has said it is the only thing he would erase from his career. It made Carey Elwes a huge star. Um, strike that last one. Mel Brooks is a genius and I'll give you Spaceballs, but Men In Tights is as gay as it sounds.
PS Women's Curling Team lost 7-8 against Russia in a heartbreaking extra end.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Is it me or does this movies star, Camilla Bell, look like a cross between Jack Bauer’s jail bait daughter and Leelee Sobieski? Maybe it’s just my mind fucking with me because she’s trapped in a Glass House in some ridiculous predicament just short of her mother having amnesia for a few episodes. Maybe she is reminding me of Neve Campbell, because the scary stalker is calling from inside the house. I hate it when movies rip off Scream. But wait- when Wes Craven did it he was ripping off the original version of this movie that was made back in 1979. That’s right. You've been suckered again. 22 million dollars worth of teens rushed out to see this frightless dud before realizing that they weren’t even cool enough to reference the original flick in their MySpace blogs. 
Is it wrong of me to want to bang Allison Hannigan like a Real-Doll? It’s not even that band camp pussy flute line or her subsequent references to taking the dirt road in American Pie 2 that does it for me. She just has that kind of look that makes me want to lay my forearm across her neck and choke-fuck the shit out of her. Somehow though, I get the feeling that she is looser that the slots at Pechanga. Regardless, was there a reason to spoof Wedding Crashers? Isn’t that movie already a comedy? And Jesus, Lloyd Dobbler and his boom box? I’m a bonafide fucking hard ass, and I even like Say Anything. 
The networks of NBC have repeatedly reminded me that they are, in fact, the home of the Olympics. And that’s exciting news. All those bright GE light bulbs lighting a human collage of the heart is almost a beautiful thing. Except these are the Winter Olympics that we are talking about here. You know the ones with Mucklucking and Ice Fishing. Or whatever the fuck people in Canada like. Thank god the host country is Italy. That’s the only way to get any female hockey player to eat sausage. Though there have been several times when I have offered to dip mine in a nice marinara. And at least the Italians wheel out some real old school talent for their big show. I’m no fan of opera, but I’ll take Pavarotti over the Rolling Stones or the half-dead sarcophagus of Sly Stone anyday. 
Where do wrestlers go when they leave Vince’s good graces? Well, most of them just die, like the Junkyard Dog, Miss Elizabeth, Rick Rude, and Andre The Giant. Or they move back to Canada like Bret Hart. Or they go wrestle in Japan like Mike Awesome, who is regularly seen in the volcanic island country doing his best Russell Crowe-as-the-Gladiator. But even with WWE having bought up both it’s main competitors, WCW and Paul E Dangerously’s fledging, star-making ECW, yet another farm league has sprouted up to give glory to the has-beens, never-weres, and never-will-bes of the future. If you ever wonder what happened to Edge’s former Brood “brother” Christian, or the widest man in the world, Rhyno, or those table-breaking menaces the Dudley’s, or the Road Dog and Assman of Degeneration X, or those twin referees, the Hebner brothers, well then, you are a wrestling whore and probably need to go sign up on Eharmony or something because you don’t get laid enough. But the answer is they all ended up on Spike TV in the middle of the night on Saturdays. 
Sadly, TNA claims to be the promotion with the greatest belt legacy around, but it’s not. This is not the belt worn by Lou Thesz, Harley Race, Terry Funk, Ric Flair, Ronnie Garvin, Kerry Von Erich, or Rick Steamboat. No that old NWA belt was taken to WCW by Flair in 1993 and has now made it all the way to WWE as the World Heavyweight Title belt worn by Kurt Angle (not that spinny bling piece of shit Cena wears). Sadly, TNA doesn’t even have the replacement NWA belt that was given to Shane Douglas after Flair left. Douglas threw that belt down and declared it the ECW title instead. Nope, TNA has some piece-of-shit belt buckle that someone found at a Duke and Duchess truckstop along route 81, with no real lineage- unless you count gracing the waists of Ron Killings, Ken Shamrock, Raven, and just this week, the waist of the aforementioned Christian Cage after he beat that fledgling mid card flunky that once lost to Chyna in some kind of ironing-board match... Jeff Jarrett. Given, Jarrett is basically running the show over there, but on a good day those two in a title match is about as exciting as watching the Blue Meanie wrestle Viscera/Mable. 
But there is one former TNA champ worth mentioning, though his Heavyweight title reign is not what makes him any good. The Phenomenal A.J. Styles's true prowess is in the X division, not the Heavyweight title picture, and his high flying athletic antics make him the star you need to see if you are a wrestling fan than hasn’t been watching TNA. He’s got the moves that Rey Mysterio dreams about at night. His feuds with Samoa Joe and Chris Daniels make the Rob Van Dam vs. Jerry Lynn Feud look like a Heat match before a PPV. In the ring, he’s like watching Jet Li do wire work and he’s more evasive than Dick Cheney after a weekend hunting excursion. Sure, his work on the stick sucks, but anyone watching wrestling for the acting better hope the Rock comes back soon because most of these guys are about as witty as Bob Costas’ Olympic commentaries, which are at best one notch above Dennis Miller’s stint on "Monday Night Football". 
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