Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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On the last episode of Soap Chips and Gasoline, the belligerent boy blunder, Captain Big Balls (AKA Chaz DeMarco) filled in while our hero was tortured by Peruvian drug lords since dumbass DeMarco couldn't understand that "handle it" was obviously code for drive down to Tijuana from LA and pick up the fucking mule before 18 grams of the good stuff seeped into the wall lining of his large intestine and Napalm gets charged by a very nasty customer for not protecting his shipment appropriately. Unfortunately, Chazmatazz thought it meant to write some stupid internet reviews to entertain a bunch of boot licking tranny troglodytes who spend all day blogging about how many bags o' dicks will fit into Christine's bra cups. So instead of a well paid summer vacation our hero Napalm ended up having three of his fingernails pulled out with pliers and his finger tips dipped back and forth from a Jello chocolate pudding cup to a mixture of Bacardi 151 and lemon juice while simultaneously having another torturer draw increasingly smaller circles on his taint with the worlds sharpest protractor. Luckily our hero had just watched all of the last season of "24" again so before he lost another fingernail he was able to bite the nose off of Wing Kong Baddie #1 and spit it into his eye where the blood temporarily blinded him and Napalm was able teeter the bowl of 151 into his mouth, create a spark from the fillings in his rear molars and blow a fire ball into the noseless face of his capture. At the same time Napalm sent Chang Sing Fighter #2 a blast of wind passing by shit that stunned the villain just long enough for the Napester to grab the protractor with his feet, jam it into his violator's leg and drag it vertically across his femoral artery until the fountain of blood looked like a bright red oil strike. The smell of charred flesh made our hero remember it was lunch time, so he showered himself in his victim's victory juice, easily slipped through his bindings and he jumped on a boat headed for China.
You know what the best part about China is? Those motherfuckers will eat anything! There isn't a day that goes by where someone isn't thinking, "hey, I bet it would taste great if we fed a cat to another cat and then soaked the meat in chicken blood and served it like sushi!" And Americans wonder why our pets are dying from Chinese made wheat gluten. You be surprised how much of that same wheat gluten is in the food that people eat too. We just aren't as susceptible to it killing us. You gotta be scared when you walk through a market and ask what type of meat is on the skewer at the corner cart and the reply you get is "people's food". What? People food? Is that shit soylent green? But the good thing about Chinese markets is that you can get a shrink wrapped box copy of a movie weeks before it is even released in the states. Sure, it a little irritating trying to watch Harry Potter refilmed on some shaky home camera with a guy in full Dumbledork regalia sitting his pointy hat right in front of your view, but personally it makes the home viewing experience almost as fun as the theater and it allows me to get a glimpse at these flicks so I can tell you idiots what to do with your weekends and allow you to save your precious brain power for important Friday night decisions like "Irish Car Bomb or Flaming Dr. Pepper." Now you know why I still make the trip to China every once and a while and knowing is half the battle.
Speaking of which, Hollywood has a Transformers movie in theaters, another He-Man movie in production (hopefully without the comedy styling of Dolph Lundren) and even a Thundercats film in pre-production, but in this time of heightened awareness about the armed forces where in fuck pucker is the Real American Hero? Kids need G.I. Joe goddamnit! Where else could you learn how to eject from an exploding helicopter right through the blades without getting hurt? For Vishnu's sake, the show had a fucking mute ninja with an Uzi. I don't care which hand Tomax and Xamot use to wipe their ass, Snake Eyes would still kill them all and then face fuck Destro right in his chrome dome. In fact I miss G.I. Joe so much that regardless of whether you have seen them or not I decided to post a few of my favorite end of show PSAs. Be sure to visit the guys at Fensler Films (http://www.fenslerfilm.com/CLIPS.htm) if you want to see more. Skip to page 2 for reviews if you can't watch video.
Posts: 135 Rank: 37 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 7/13/2007 8:31:12 AM
Transformers made no sense, any grown man going to Harry Potter and the Order of the Penis needs to be rubber hosed in the parking lot, and Hairspray is the unforgiveable sin.
Caption: "Look ladies, I'm into cosplay, but I haven't anything that objectionable since the Something Awful Japanese porn reviews...you know what? I will take your number. You're 14, that's legal in Osaka-"
Was a good wrestler, now all you need is Dean Milanko to die and that whole group from WCW will be gone (Guererro, Benoit and Milenko) All those guys came into WWF together.
Caption #2- "Thats a great pic. When can I see your Dark Side."
Posts: 789 Rank: 9 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 7/13/2007 9:40:55 AM
has the greatest ass in hollywood. or ever.
transformers looks pretty kick ass... i heard the camerawork sucks when they are "transforming" but i'll still go see it.
1. it's weird, but at the time he seemed like the biggest douche in wrestling (for me at least), but "the rock" turned out pretty normal*
2. "michi just texted me another 'emperor joke' - wanna see it?"
"you are unwise to lower your defenses..."
3. "skipping" the 13th floor in a building always pissed me off. doesnt make any sense. the floor in sequence is still there, just labeled incorrectly. i refuse to take an elevator to the "14th" floor. i'll go above or below, (usually below) and walk up.
Posts: 1796 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:08:32 AM
The girls thank you for the shout out, i guess. Anyway, Don't you use a compass to make circles? I think I'm right about this and I'm not scared to face the consequences. besides, i'm going away this weekend and you can't find me.
I love Adam Sandler. I watch billy madison at least once a week and it never stops being funny. ever. I just wish he wouldn't try to outdo his own movies so much because it never works.
I watched the transformers with my brothers every saturday morning and yet, I have no interest in seeing this movie. But i would wait in line for Thundercat tickets if that movie is released.
Anyway, excellent reviews as always. Glad you are home.
1. I don't know anything about this guy, but I think he could have found a different way to "lose his shit". Maybe the wife had it coming, but he could have spared the boy.
2. "I see his schwartz is as big as mine"
3. I have no luck no matter what. Recently I started looking for ladders to walk under and I have two unbrellas open in my office right now.
This may already exist, but I have severe Clownophobia. If I see one, I seriously have to run away. Ronald McDonald is the creepiest fuck I have ever laid eyes on.
Posts: 135 Rank: 37 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:12:51 AM
A protractor is basically a plastic half circle. There will be mockery resulting from this more than likely.
You're not missing anything, Transformers didn't make sense and every time there was a fight you couldn't anything. Each robot had 10,000 moving parts and it was really blurry, plus some of the robots look alike. I thought a good guy got hurt and the audience started clapping.
Posts: 1796 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:17:18 AM
Thanks, I didn't know that the thing that helps find direction is a compass.
Seriously though, its a homonym. A compass is another metal device with a sharp point. you stick a pencil on one side and place the point in the paper and it will draw perfect circles.
Posts: 135 Rank: 37 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:22:08 AM
To deal drugs. Then I quit dealing to start my rap career, but the man won't leave me alone.
You are of course, right. The sad thing is that I've worked as an artist before and actually have compasses and protractors in my toolboxes but I never use the compass.
Posts: 1096 Rank: 10 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 7/13/2007 10:28:21 AM
Your beginning rant about escaping was legendary.
1) Benoit was always one of my favorites. In a sport dominated by tall monsters, that little fucker held his own like he was Spud Webb. But that doesn't make up for the fact that he killed his own child. Fuck him. And I mean that in the worst possible way.
2) "I am smiling like this because I have a boner."
3) The whole month of February should be bad luck for the White man. It's Black History Month. We (whitey) should wear all white clothing all month to protect us from the 'dirty people's' voodoo.
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