Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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"Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?" Apparently Boy George would rather dole out the punishment than receive it regardless of what his lyrics would make you believe. The often coke addled and back pussy stuffed former pop icon is being accused of assault and false imprisonment. I too wondered what that second one was. Boy's accuser, 28 yr old male escort Auden Carlsen thought he was just going to be involved in a night of run of the mill gay photography and porn making only to find himself chained to a wall and beaten by the man who penned such classics "Karma Chameleon" and "I'll Tumble 4 Ya" while wearing dresses that would make Phyllis Diller sick. Auden was forced to play his own "Crying Game" as he ripped the chains out of the wall and escaped from his flamy bald captor. You just can't make this stuff up, people. Sometimes what is really going on in the world is funnier than anything that could be invented.
Screw "Pearl the Landlord". How about Taylor the Sponsor? I know everyone is eagerly awaiting the next installment of the Paul Kersey Chronicles, but here's a little tidbit from the "my daughter wants me to look like an ass in front of the world" department to tide you over. Not only is Michael Knight more incoherently fucked up than Paula Abdul, but he also apparently decided to kill and eat a whole chicken with his bare hands while his daughter filmed it. And seriously, as drunk as he is in this clip, booze is a relatively cheap habit. I would think that between his Knight Rider, Baywatch, and German pop star money this guy could afford some kind of furniture. Dude, splurge on a barcalounger, some paper plates and a spork, please! If not KARR might get the upper hand on you and KITT next time.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Gather round true believers; Kirsten Dunst is built like six pistons of fuck from the neck down. Too bad her face looks like she got beaten in the teeth with a frying pan, but I guess that's what helps her maintain that trailer park charm. This time however everyone's favorite do gooder isn't the only one with some competition. Richie Cunningham's little girl Bryce is also vying for a dose of the wall crawlers gooey man web to quench her fire in the hole. She even helps Spidey recreate that chubby inducing upside down kiss. But of course the snaggle hag, Mary Jane and her super pingers win that battle in the end.
In the main storyline Peter Parker's goal is to prove that once you go black you can indeed go back. But unlike Anakin's comical "it's alive!" turn to the darkside some people may have trouble watching their favorite vigilante hero grow cold. Some audiences in fact will be left more mute than the "Electric Company" underooed version of the hero himself. But personally I can't hate on a Spiderman covered in alien goo that brings out his inner desire to tell Mary Jane to fuck off or that gives Peter Parker a Saturday Night Fever crossed with the brat pack kind of swagger as he strolls down the street. Tobey McGuire honestly sells his portion of this fanboy fantasy as far as he can. Sadly, good acting isn't what sells popcorn to the Maxim magazine and Halo set, but then again Grindhouse tanked like an Irish wake so what the fuck do I know. What I can hate on is Sam Raimi cutting together villains from all three era's of Spiderman in a nonsensical mishmash that more resembles Ash building a new weapon to fight zombies than any superhero mythology.
Sandman is the main villain and he appeared in issue 4 of the comic book, but our hero's best friend Harry Osborne is about ready to take up his mantle as the second Green Goblin and wreak havoc as well, which was a storyline that carried through a large portion of the comic in the 70's & 80's . By the time you throw in Topher Grace as the receiver of the toxic space goo that turned Spidey black and has now created Spiderman's antagonist from the 90's, Venom, pretty much all that is left to do is scratch your head and realize that 3 villains and 5 storylines in a 2 hr and 19 minute movie is just too much. It's Superman 3 all over again. Stealing half pennies, a second love interest, the continuation of old storylines to pointless conclusions. It's a wonder Quest For Peace ever got made; even as a shitty B movie made by Canon the company that gave us gems like Ninja 3: The Domination, Firewalker and the Dolph Lundgren version of He-Man. It's no wonder that Raimi has said he is done with Spiderman after this one if this franchise is on its way to the same fate. Batman 4 barely scraped past Alicia Silverstone's steel plated nipples, and I can't imagine that look would do much for Aunt May. This movie may be worth seeing, but in the end combining too many plots and villains from three different eras of the comic book will not make this popcorn flick worth remembering.
Please help me Black Baby Jesus. I'm not ready for the world to end. How could it happen so fast? The planet barely survived his turn as a health inspector and now he's back" with a gun? I know it's a comedy but how could anyone possibly mistake Larry the Cable guy and the skinny guy from Road Trip as Army Reservists. I mean, Christian Bale in the Machinist looks like he could whup on DJ Qualls. And Larry isn't even a real redneck, or a real comedian, or even a real person. As far as I can tell he was invented by Nancy Pelosi to make movies like An Inconvenient Truth seem exciting. And I know I once said I could love anything with Danny Trejo and seeing him as Machete solidified that. But now that he has played an evil warlord in a Larry the Cable Guy movie I will now have to recant and burn my copies of Bound By Honor, Con Air and Spy Kids 3. Can the world really be this cruel? I know it's been almost ten years since Pauly Shore's In The Army Now, but did we really need another one? I would rather be Willie Ames' stand-in for an episode of "Bibleman" than talk about this for one second longer.
Posts: 1069 Rank: 20 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 5/4/2007 7:34:37 AM
Q&A 1. the audience. huge pussies. everybody tries to act tough all of the time, but fights are terrifying. i've been in 2 fist fights my whole life and in 1 i was scared that i killed the guy and the other i was scared that he might have just killed me. (i've been hit in the face plenty of time by bouncers. but even as you're standing there in the guys face saying "fuck you, no you're outta here fat boy" you never see it coming.)
2. "no oksana, under the shower.... you still have some of my chernobyl chowder on your upper lip."
3. john travolta. gets completely shitfaced and crashes his plane into the oscar awards show. no survivors.
is that from this moment on, drinking with the Hoff will be #3 on "coolest things to do before I die". Could you imagine personal pitchers at Hooters with the Hoff. That would be my "Make a Wish" request.
Posts: 453 Rank: 32 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/4/2007 8:43:42 AM
caught on tape being mounted by a rabid Bull with a flaming cock. I like Kingdom of heaven, but I really hate the fucker. Plus I would like to see a rabid bull with a flaming cock, mount pretty much anyone. It’s one of those things that would be incredibly funny, as long as it isn’t happening to you.
Posts: 1453 Rank: 14 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Buffalo, NY
Posted: 5/4/2007 9:26:58 AM
I can tell by the way your shooting your Napalm's 1 at a time your not a very quick thinker.
1. MMA, Who really cares about Mayweather DLhoya, DLH is 5 years past his prime, if he wins it reflects that much worse on the sport.
2. "BigNick only beats me when i deserve it".
3. I'm dieing for Tom Cruise to fuck up during a coke or meth fueled binder. Maybe he could throw that ugly kid out a window or something, stealing from M. Jackson's repertoire.
Posts: 453 Rank: 32 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/4/2007 9:41:35 AM
My dick is still hurting from that dumb bitch biting through it, but you can kiss it and make it better.
Apparently YOU care about Mayweather and DLH, since you are bitching about DLH's age. I actually would be interested to see who takes the money and risks their rep, and who thinks rep is more important in this fixed publicity stunt of a fight.
2. the best donkey punch comes when you least expect it.
3. I'd like to see the entire Redneck Blue collar comedy team not so much fuck up, but more so drive a john deere tractor into a burning building full of sharks, bears, and scorpions.
Posts: 453 Rank: 32 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/4/2007 10:02:48 AM
seen a boxing (main event) fight that was not over hyped? I sure as fuck haven't since Buster Douglas beat the shit out of Tyson. That was probably he only real surprise in boxing in the last 50 years. The last DLH fight was the same way. Mayorga played his WWE role as the bad guy, pissed DLH off, and got his ass whooped. It has turned into a fucking smokes and mirrors show.
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Gather round true believers; Kirsten Dunst is built like six pistons of fuck from the neck down. Too bad her face looks like she got beaten in the teeth with a frying pan, but I guess that's what helps her maintain that trailer park charm. This time however everyone's favorite do gooder isn't the only one with some competition. Richie Cunningham's little girl Bryce is also vying for a dose of the wall crawlers gooey man web to quench her fire in the hole. She even helps Spidey recreate that chubby inducing upside down kiss. But of course the snaggle hag, Mary Jane and her super pingers win that battle in the end.
Please help me Black Baby Jesus. I'm not ready for the world to end. How could it happen so fast? The planet barely survived his turn as a health inspector and now he's back" with a gun? I know it's a comedy but how could anyone possibly mistake Larry the Cable guy and the skinny guy from Road Trip as Army Reservists. I mean, Christian Bale in the Machinist looks like he could whup on DJ Qualls. And Larry isn't even a real redneck, or a real comedian, or even a real person. As far as I can tell he was invented by Nancy Pelosi to make movies like An Inconvenient Truth seem exciting. And I know I once said I could love anything with Danny Trejo and seeing him as Machete solidified that. But now that he has played an evil warlord in a Larry the Cable Guy movie I will now have to recant and burn my copies of Bound By Honor, Con Air and Spy Kids 3. Can the world really be this cruel? I know it's been almost ten years since Pauly Shore's In The Army Now, but did we really need another one? I would rather be Willie Ames' stand-in for an episode of "Bibleman" than talk about this for one second longer.
