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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right? Apparently what happened was my brain cells and my money because that is all that stayed there. The part where I projectile vomited my 27 “free” drinks into the air and then back into my own mouth while staring up at the ceiling show on Fremont street went up on YouTube yesterday. Anyway, I had convinced TPP editor in chief Charlie DeMarco to join me in Vegas for a Halloween gun show and a chance to fire a real M-60 (a moment that can only be compared to one of those blow jobs where the chick gets so into it that she grabs your ass and imbibes your urethra grease directly into her esophagus). But we never made it to the convention center for that or a library with a computer. In fact the only hotspot I found where I could upload my long column was the sauna in the locker room for UNLV’s girls basketball team, so I never got my reviews in last week either. Instead we learned several very important lessons about the city of Las Vegas.
1. Lance Burton is a master magician. He can apparently transport 100 dollars from my pocket to his and can make his penis disappear into a small Asian boy and then make him levitate.
2. Strippers are thieves. We found out the hard way that the purpose of a lap dance is to distract you with implant and c-section scars while the “dancer” uses her labia to scoot your cash out of your pocket. You might think the motor boat is a good thing, but as Lance Burton informed us the misdirection is the trick and bouncers really don’t respond to “that whore gave me blue balls and robbed me, make her pay my drink tab!”
3. Free drinks are expensive. Everytime I was finally "up" on a table the drink girl would come by. They seemed to know I was winning money like there were hundreds of cameras on me at any given time. Weird. She must have been psychic or something. Of course as soon as I put in my drink order my tilt would begin. But who can leave a roulette table when a free drink is coming. Maybe six spins with a hundred bucks on 00 isn’t the smartest thing in the world, but you can’t beat a gratis Jack and Coke, unless you think you can buy a bottle of Jack and a two liter of cola for less 637 bucks.
4. Purple Reign is the best kept secret in Vegas. Sad that you never got to see Prince in his heyday? Pissed that he’s an insane Jehovah’s Witness now that won’t play any of his songs about fuckin’ or wanting to be a lesbian? Well never fear. Purple Reign does 3 sets of not only Prince’s best stuff, but they switch out lead singers and do The Time as well! And the show is actually free. If I was your girlfriend I’d say spending Wednesday nights at the Monte Carlo micro brewery freaking old ladies on the dance floor who just lost their retirement money to "Darling Nikki" and "Ice Cream Castles" is the best thing you can do in Vegas.
5. Vegas is the worst place to watch boxing. Chaz and I thought it would be fun to lay a couple bucks on long odds Baldomir and watch Mayweather steal our money on the multitude of TV screens in the Venetian Sports Book. But even hours after LSU had ruined everyone's college football parlays the fight still wasn't on any of the screens. Finally we asked what was the fucking deal and found out that fights are always blacked out in Vegas so no one ever gets to see boxing unless there are in the arena. Last minute tickets were only 125 bucks, but as anyone who has been to Vegas on a Saturday night can tell you Michael J Fox can sign his name,dig up Christopher Reeve and teach him how to walk faster than you can get from the Venetian to Mandalay Bay. So instead I watched Sticky Mayonaise take Axe Elrose in the fifth race at Hollywood Park. Boo.
6. White People are awesome! On Halloween night we walked into a little casino called South Coast located about five miles south of the main strip on Vegas Blvd. And boy the weren’t kinding when they put “South” in the title of this place. Wall to wall there were men in cowboy hats with only a smattering of regular costumes thrown in between. We quickly found out that this casino houses the local Vegas rodeo so the spittoons next to the dollar fifty Let It Ride table and the midget in clown make up slapping a waitresses’ ass in time to the Travis Tritt blaring on the house speakers began to make sense. What didn’t make sense was the guy who walked passed me dressed as Lebron James for Halloween. The jersey and shorts made sense, but the puffy afro wig was a bit of a quandary. Lebron doesn’t have a fro. But the black shoe polish on this white man’s face should have given away the fact that he wasn’t really shooting for accuracy. Ten minutes later Charlie points out to me that not only does this guy look like he’s going to bust out singing “Mammy” at any point, but he is also a casino employed Black Jack dealer! Needless to say that casino might not invite me back until I pay for the card shoe I used to give blackface Lebron a free Jack and Coke colonic, but we’ll see.
Next year I think I will just go camping and use $5000 dollars cash as kindling.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
By now most of you have seen Sascha Baron Cohen’s epic masterpiece of Kazakhi infotainment. I know this because a Hasidic rabbi came up to me in the deli yesterday and told me he would change into a rat and make liquid explosion on my stomosh if I didn’t give him 20 dollars, pause, not. I can only hope that now frat boys will stop quoting Anchorman and instead quote themselves, “I’ll do it. I don’t give a fuck!” Certainly brings new meaning to the term cheese dick. But regardless of how irritating this movie will be in the years to come as it snowballs in the stuff of comedy legend right between Belushi’s Samurai Chef and Andy Kaufman vs. Jerry The King Lawler, for now it is simply the funniest thing put on film since Fletch told us how everything is ball bearings these days.
Sascha also deserves extra credit points for his dedication to his work. Not only did he refuse to do any promotional interviews as himself, but he has also never washed his Borat suit so that when people first encounter him he smells disgusting and foreign, kind of like the finger I use to test Thai hookers for quality. If that weren’t enough then certainly letting a fat man tea bag him on film should garner him an academy award nod. So why then with a comic genius so dedicated to his work did Fox decide to pull Borat out of 1200 theaters the week before it opened? I can certainly understand the benefit of lowered expectations after Snakes On A Plane, but there is a difference here. Primarily that one movie is good and the other was designed to suck a wet shart out of my ass. Sure middle America might not identify with the Borat character, but if a rabbi thinks the running of the Jew is funny, then can’t a Dixie Chick hater find the humor in, “we support your war of terror”? Maybe Fox got scared when Kazakhstan started protesting, but the joke is not on them. The joke is on Americans who would believe that a Kazakhstanian would bring a bag of his own shit to the dinner table. Smart Americans know that true Kazakhs prefer to eat it fresh. African American corner boys, fundamentalists speaking in tongues, vapid weather men, feminists, animal rights activists, politicians and even Pam Anderson fall under attack from naïve wit of the Borat character. So maybe it is Fox that over looked that fact that equal opportunity comic annihilation is money in the bank. But we already new that. Target Observe Ridicule is still the best way to prove a point and and keep the audience on your side the whole time. And Sacha Baron Cohen is obviously on his way to being the next Mike Polk. Great success!
While one comic genius shows us how funny an over the top character can be another sets out to prove that he doesn’t have to be ridiculous to entertain. Too bad no one told Will Ferrell that before he started filming Bewitched. But with Talledega Nights under his belt the timing is right for him to take his stab at Being John Malkovich with an offbeat comedy of bizarity. But while Borat envokes Andy Kaufman, writer Charlie Kaufman has nothing to do with this little adult fantasy. No, surprisingly the director of Halle Berry’s porno, Monster’s Ball, is at the helm of this Adaptation. The story is simple. A boring IRS worker has a woman narrating his comicly tragic life in his head, but before the comic narration of his life turns into the ending of Resevoir Dogs where new characters have to be introduced to cart off the bodies, Harold Crick along with Tootsie’s help needs to track down the British author that is writing his life’s story. Confused? Don’t be. The only question you should be asking yourself is how Maggie Gyllenhall landed the love interest part when she looks like she got smacked in the face and the tits with an iron skillet. I mean Will Ferrell shouldn't be playing across Scarlet Johanssen or anything but that doesn't mean has to fuck a smashed potato either. But to each his own. If you are looking for a change of pace that doesn’t involve seeing polaroids of the oversized junk of Borat’s son, then quirky little film is definitely you best choice this weekend.
Next week,Bond does pilates, Bobby Kennedy gets killed again, and our Fast Food Nation gets fictionalized. Plus maybe I will put some thought into figuring out if introducing The Others is "Lost's" way of jumping the shark like any episode of "Twin Peaks" after they revealed who killed Laura Palmer.
PS Charlie came up with "urethra grease" stumbling out of the Luxor after getting blasted with Blue Man bannana so I guess I should give him credit for that.
1. Do you tip for a free drink? For a cab ride? Just because you hit your double down in black jack? For a lap dance? For a paper towel and a squirt of Drakkar? For a three dollar steak and eggs? You tell me. After a week in Vegas I really want to know when is gratuity gratuitous?
2. Caption This
3. What was the biggest shock of the week? That Ed Bradley and Adebisi bit it? That Nancy Pelosi is two bullets away from running the world and Rumsfeld is more unemployed than Gary Coleman. Or that Britney dumped K-fed mere hours after he challenged John Cena to a World Title match on New Years day?
Good job Napalm. That is precisely why I would never go to Vegas. I cry when I accidentally drop a dime. I can't imagine what I would be like if I had to just give a way large sums of money.
I have not seen Borat. In fact, I am afraid to. Too many people whose comedic opinions sicken me like this movie. I am afraid it will not live up to its reviews.
1. Yes. You have to tip for free drinks, that is why you getting it basically. You have tip cab drivers and bathroom attendants. Its just something that needs to be done. I don't like it, but I do it.
2. The girls of MIT shout out against beauty.
3. Nothing shocks me.
Tom Mc
Well done
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Posted: 11/10/2006 12:22:33 PM
I am one of the 1% of americans who have NOT seen borat yet, then again the last movie I saw in the theaters was wedding crashers, so I guess I'm up for my one movie-a-year quota.
Speaking of Vegas - never, NEVER believe a hot Asian chick at 5am when she tells you on the dancefloor that she likes your moves, especially right after you bust out the robot. It could easily turn into you being in the "old Vegas" at 7am in some apartment trying to buy ecstacy for the two of you while the girl conveniently disappears in the backroom and you're in the living room with 3 puerto rican guys who are covered in tats like in Training Day. But I digress...
1) I basically tip when I'm up, I tip a $1 for a drink, maybe $2 if i'm in a good mood, I avoid guys those bathroom attendants like the plague, you gotta tip the cabbies, and I guess if you're in a diner you have to tip regardless. Or maybe im just a sucker
2) "Oh my God....LOOK at Peggy Sue's knees!!"
3) I was shocked Adebisi died. He was a likable guy, and now the only person left from the group of people found in the beginning of Season 2 is that old white guy married to the black lady, who both seem to have disappeared from the show, along with the Australian chick with the baby (why is she on the show anyway?) I totally agree the producers of LOST have totally gone over the top, it was much more interesting when you really didn't know who the Others were and now knowing they're normal people with houses and medical equipment is kind of lame.
This show has no idea what direction it's going in
deuce
welcome back.
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Posted: 11/10/2006 12:46:51 PM
i am glad my days of drinking- my- own- piss, drunk- as- shit, vegas mornings were before the youtube era...
tom mc. - make that 2 %.. looks funny.. just havent motivated yet.
1. tipping is necessary.. when up.. or with titties in your face. lapdances are a different animal, you've usually ponied up cash beforehand for it, and if she isnt any good, then i dont think a tip is necessary (you better have plans elsewhere though- you wont be there much longer) but if she involves *my* tip, then additional cash is usually well deserved. as for bathroom attendents.. come on, buddy.. i wiped my own ass.
2. guess which one created the dance routines?
3. definitely pelosi. as far as dems vs. gop- i could give 2 shits about, their douchbaggery is equalled.. but, b/c now she is the 1st woman speaker, hilary will definitely run in '08.. and then, locusts.
dc
Last of the diehard commentators
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Posted: 11/10/2006 1:37:58 PM
Napalm saves the week for TPP. Another absence and all would have been lost.
1. You tip the Vegas waitress. If she takes care of you, tip her the rest of the night. Tipping cabbies is a toss up. No tipping of the lap dancer. You are paying for time (of song) not quality. Bathroom attendants need to go away.
2. I think that's my mom on the left, front row.
3. Ed Bradley - I didn't know he was ill.
vertigo
Very Good
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Posted: 11/10/2006 1:51:25 PM
Napalm is like Bobby Thigpen on those White Sox team, saving the day no matter how bad the situation. This has been an off-week, no telling what grade Eugene would give.
1. Tip if you want to be taken care of, money always speaks. Saying "Here's your tip-don't bet on the Jets." does not count.
2. LaMont's bitches were not up to par this spring.
3. That Conan The Barbarian wins by a landslide in an incredibly populated state's governor race and its a footnote.
Milton
Glad you're back
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Posted: 11/10/2006 1:54:01 PM
I was worried last week. New pieces are getting to be rare around here and I thought you might have bailed.
Borat is the funniest movie I have ever seen. The tea bagging was painful to watch but more like a hilariously bad car accident.
1- I tip big because it eases the night with the server/bartender. Fuck the bathroom guys. Always tip the cabby because if its a busy night he'll come get your drunk mumbling ass wherever you may be in order to avoid some other drunken ass - Eugene - who won't tip. All other tip is situational. Strippers get what they ask for and only more if I get my dance "Where the cameras can't see".
2- We're here for the gangbang - Da dun dunt
3- Adebisi sucked cause he was pretty col and he beat the shit out of people with a large stick. Along with Deuce I agree that the political shit is a joke and poeple that think a difference will be made are fools. They're all on the same side poeple. Even Hitler's little general, Eugene, should be able to see that.
Joe Kickass
Wow
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Posted: 11/10/2006 1:57:24 PM
I can't believe deuce, Christine and Tom Mc haven't seen Borat yet.
Christine: "I am afraid it will not live up to its reviews."
Stop being retarded. Go see the movie. Now. Leave work if you have to. You will not believe how fucking good this movie is. There were several points where I had to look away and stare at the floor for a while because I couldn't take it anymore. I seriously thought I was going to vomit on the people in front of me I was laughing so hard.
1. No tip for lap dances. Yes to everything else, except the bathroom attendant. Tip him once and he's done for the night, unless you're taking a bunch of cigarettes.
2. Hey ladies, I'm Tim. Nice to meet ya.
3. I had three retards in a row email me that Britney was filing for divorce. I'm kind of offended that they think of me as the type of person that could give a shit.
I'm just happy the Governator's still running this great state.
Christine
WOW
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Posted: 11/10/2006 2:15:04 PM
Staring at the floor, vomit inducing funny? I will see it this weekend. The last movie I saw in the theatre was King Kong I think. But I respect you Joe, much more than my brothers or anyone I have actually met in the flesh. So I will go.
Also, I hate you because a caption involving Tim was going to be next for me and now all is lost.
The whole brittany and k-fed thing reminds me of Scary Movie when the black girl says, "why she even with him, he's a back up dancer?" Ha, I love that girl.
deuce
borat
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Posted: 11/10/2006 3:10:29 PM
i hate lines. going into movies, and coming out of packed ones.. i didnt want to be crammed between the douche twins chanting "niiiice" (or whatever quote will enter the fratard lexicon soon) for 5 minutes as i try to escape.
aside from napalm saving the week- did anybody watch the "from the web" grizzly bear suit video?? definitely worth a look. i laughed so hard i pissed when they hit him with the truck. twice.
deuce
borat
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Posted: 11/10/2006 3:11:06 PM
i hate lines. going into movies, and coming out of packed ones.. i didnt want to be crammed between the douche twins chanting "niiiice" (or whatever quote will enter the fratard lexicon soon) for 5 minutes as i try to escape.
aside from napalm saving the week- did anybody watch the "from the web" grizzly bear suit video?? definitely worth a look. i laughed so hard i pissed when they hit him with the truck. twice.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
By now most of you have seen Sascha Baron Cohen’s epic masterpiece of Kazakhi infotainment. I know this because a Hasidic rabbi came up to me in the deli yesterday and told me he would change into a rat and make liquid explosion on my stomosh if I didn’t give him 20 dollars, pause, not. I can only hope that now frat boys will stop quoting Anchorman and instead quote themselves, “I’ll do it. I don’t give a fuck!” Certainly brings new meaning to the term cheese dick. But regardless of how irritating this movie will be in the years to come as it snowballs in the stuff of comedy legend right between Belushi’s Samurai Chef and Andy Kaufman vs. Jerry The King Lawler, for now it is simply the funniest thing put on film since Fletch told us how everything is ball bearings these days.
While one comic genius shows us how funny an over the top character can be another sets out to prove that he doesn’t have to be ridiculous to entertain. Too bad no one told Will Ferrell that before he started filming Bewitched. But with Talledega Nights under his belt the timing is right for him to take his stab at Being John Malkovich with an offbeat comedy of bizarity. But while Borat envokes Andy Kaufman, writer Charlie Kaufman has nothing to do with this little adult fantasy. No, surprisingly the director of Halle Berry’s porno, Monster’s Ball, is at the helm of this Adaptation. The story is simple. A boring IRS worker has a woman narrating his comicly tragic life in his head, but before the comic narration of his life turns into the ending of Resevoir Dogs where new characters have to be introduced to cart off the bodies, Harold Crick along with Tootsie’s help needs to track down the British author that is writing his life’s story. Confused? Don’t be. The only question you should be asking yourself is how Maggie Gyllenhall landed the love interest part when she looks like she got smacked in the face and the tits with an iron skillet. I mean Will Ferrell shouldn't be playing across Scarlet Johanssen or anything but that doesn't mean has to fuck a smashed potato either. But to each his own. If you are looking for a change of pace that doesn’t involve seeing polaroids of the oversized junk of Borat’s son, then quirky little film is definitely you best choice this weekend.
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