Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
welcome to my subdivision
My neighbors, transplants from California, are retired. I think they are retired anyway. I never really asked. If I did, that implies that I care about them and what they do. I don't like people who nose themselves into my personal business. I despise that. So when a neighbor does it, I truly despise them. So much so, I feel like burning the anarchy symbol in their lawn with a gallon of my own piss. Remember the end of Titanic, when the old lady walks on deck in the middle of the night, wearing a sheer nightgown, something that should be tossed out by anyone over 30? My neighbor has one of those. I know this because she retrieves her mail in it from time to time. It is hard to look away. It's one of those "that is the nastiest thing I have ever seen, but I can't look away because I may never see it again" moments.
These neighbors of mine are very involved in our community. They might even sit on the association board. One night, after a lame day at the office, I drive up into my driveway, noticing the neighbors were loitering dangerously close to speaking distance. I quickly drove the car into the garage and shut the garage door, pretending I did not see them attempting to get my attention as I drove up. Within 5 seconds of my feet landing in the kitchen, my doorbell rang. Sure enough, there she was. Ms. Talkalot. I open the door and she was smiling ear to ear because she is happy to be menopausal and annoying, all at once. We exchanged niceties, that is to say she said hello and I stood there with the "what the fuck are you doing on my porch" face, staring blankly at her, trying desperately to get the clang noise of a shovel hitting her face out of my head. She started talking, sounding a lot like the mating ritual of an Emperor penguin. She had a clipboard in her hand, which indicates to most people that she is either supplementing her income with gay "what does your household do in it's spare time" surveys, or my name was randomly drawn to have the life sucked out it. Either way, the more I stood there, the more I wished for carnage to befall upon my front porch. I would accept some small collateral damage, if it meant she would simply leave me alone.
My neighbors lick balls
Apparently, this year, as opposed to last year, the "association" was going to have a petition signed to put some street lights on certain corners to help illuminate the neighborhood to increase safety and she wanted my signature. Vegas came to mind. The "2nd Salt Lake." If anyone else had asked, I suppose I would have given it some thought. Since it came from her, I simply said no thanks and began to close the door, like I do with most people attempting to sell me shit I don't want. That didn't phase her. She must have had Joseph Smith on her shoulder. The gall of this woman. She started to tell me how everyone else in the neighborhood "was on board," and how important it was to maintain the "safest neighborhood status," as if that meant we could leave our doors unlocked and garages opened, decorated with neon signs that pointed to our valuables, begging for thieves to steal them. I believe the passengers of the Titanic were "on board" with a little sailing expedition as well. I said no, and squeaked out a thank you before attempting to close the door a second time.
Almost on cue, her husband came around the corner, as if he was the closer of the group. Sensing his wife was struggling like Rosie O'Donnell eating a polish sausage, he sauntered up to my door with the same Stepford Wife looking grin on his face. He asked how I was doing. Without hesitation I said I was miserable, and the venereal warts were burning up a storm, thanks to his wife, and suggested he get checked out. The smile never left his face, even after he noticed I threw up in my mouth a little. He asked if I wouldn't mind signing the petition. I said no thanks and shut the door. I peeked out the peep hole and noticed that they were not leaving right away, rather they stood there for a few moments looking at the door. After a few minutes, I went back into the garage and opened my garage door, noticing feet in front of it, and watched as two people appeared as my door opened. My neighbors, still wanting a signature from me, had not left my property. The husband asked me again if I would consider signing the petition, and I again, as politely as I knew how, declined, sighting political ramblings from Jamestown. Praying for spontaneous combustion, their vigor lapsed and I was able to go to my mailbox and get my mail watching them retreat back to their home, defeated. I opened the mailbox, occasionally glancing over in my neighbor's direction, making sure they did not shape shift into my home, oblivious to the fact there was a piece of paper taped to my mailbox. It was the petition, a photocopy, with two words, written in early Alzheimer, "SIGN IT."
Posts: 453 Rank: 32 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/15/2007 1:07:30 PM
"I open the door and she was smiling ear to ear because she is happy to be menopausal and annoying, all at once." ---made me giggle. I was just thinking the same thing about this bitch at the office that won't shut the hell up. She had me sequestered for the last 20 minutes; at that point, I rather get some fucking work done! She is one of those that will invade conversations with remarks that wouldn't make sense to the craziest fucker in the world. God, I hate that twat!.....Shit! here she comes again!
Posts: 2222 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 5/15/2007 3:14:07 PM
I thought this article was the most terrible thing I'd read all day...then I see Mako has posted.
Great, just what I needed, a double serving of such (I should clarify, not the type of suck I enjoy on a weekly basis after a few Mike's Cranberry Hard Lemonades).
than a good article, but it was well written and full of hatred for old people, so I gave it a four. On the same note, I hate all old people, petitions, grassroots activists, and people who want me to care about shit that will never effect me. Fuck you all.
Lamp - stating that you drink Mike's cranberry hard lemonade is the gayest thing you've ever said... gayer than a rusty trombone.
Posts: 2563 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Seattle, WA
Posted: 5/15/2007 3:42:41 PM
None of you have as much a reason to hate the elderly nearly as much as I do. This morning we had an Alzheimer’s patient (double above the knee amputee by the way) who was brought in via ambulance and he just happened to have a diaper full of what can only be described as a cross betwixt a Szechwan stir-fry shit shake and creamed corn. Three guesses as to whose room he got turfed to.
The lunch specials for today are: vegetarian quinoa chili, pancit with lumpia, succotash soup and a grilled salmon sandwich. Fuck you all.
Posts: 2563 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Seattle, WA
Posted: 5/15/2007 4:07:59 PM
Oh how to Christ do I wish. There is nothing like a demented old man, covered in his own filth, flailing his shit covered stumps in the air, claiming that he is indeed the “Arch-Duke of Prussia.”
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
