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What's not to love?
Having a friend ask for advice can really boost your ego. You get an opportunity to share your wisdom and they get help solving a problem. Everyone wins.
But what if the people around you are stuck thinking that they should consult a professional when facing a dilemma? These people are needlessly limiting their options to people with college degrees, counseling licenses, or a desire to be helpful. All it takes is a little creative hijacking and you too can answer requests for advice originally addressed to syndicated columnists.
Question originally intended for Amy Alkon's Advice Goddess column:
"My girlfriend of eight months is so attached to her cat that she takes it with her when she goes to the toilet. She also lets it sleep in the bed and drink out of the bathroom sink. You may think this sounds unreasonable, but I equate living with a cat to asking a woman to move into a house with a dirt floor. I think about our future together, and wonder whether she'd give up a cat to be with me." --Catastrophe
Mr. Catastrophe,
So the cat thing isn't working for you. I can totally relate. I recently had to get rid of a cat myself. To be honest, my situation was a little different in that the cat was a Hello Kitty vibrator and the girlfriend was my uncle Tim. Coating your cat with Icy Hot probably wouldn't make any sense at all. But don't let these differences discourage you, I also have the solution to your problem.
By rejecting the cat you've actually been making your girlfriend's bond with it stronger. What you need to do is show that cat affection -- lots and lots of affection. If she lets the cat sleep in the bed, make sure that you and the cat wear matching pajamas. If she lets the cat drink out of the sink, you let it drink out of your cereal bowl. If she takes the cat to the bathroom with her, you take the cat into the shower with you.
If you don't feel a soul searing sense of shame then you aren't doing it right.
Like all women, she will begin to resent that your attention is focused on something other than her. Suddenly keeping the cat around won't seem like such a good idea any more. It won't be long until you spending time alone with your girlfriend while her cat takes a short swim in a burlap bag.
No need to name your first born after me, Bruce
Don't worry, that will be a real arm in no time
Question originally intended for Abigail Van Buren's Dear Abby column:
"I am a 13-year-old girl entering the eighth grade. Even though I have friends, I feel like I am invisible. Many of the people who claim I am their 'friend' don't even take the time to call me. I have only one girlfriend whom I can call on for advice."
"Please help me, Abby. I have just spent a long, miserable summer with no one to talk to. I want to change that. When I'm in high school next year, I don't want to just fade into the shadows like in middle school. I could really use some advice."
-- Alone and Shy in California
Ms. Alone and Shy,
I have to admit that I don't know much about being a 13-year-old girl. What they taught us about teenage girls during junior high Health class actually freaked me out pretty badly. I'm not surprised you are lonely when you have that whole uncontrollable bleeding thing going on. Seriously, who would want to be around that? The increased threat of bear attacks alone would scare away most reasonable people.
But I realize you didn't choose your gender and I am making an effort to be helpful here. Accordingly, I turned to the world's best source of information on teenage girls: the Internet. Careful analysis of the results from a Google search for "lonely teenage girls" provided me with your ticket to popularity.
My research showed that it only takes three simple changes to really increase the popularity of formerly lonely teenage girls. The first step is purchasing a webcam, preferably hooked up to a computer in your bedroom. The second is having a few of your schoolmates (naughty ones are preferred) join you for the occasional slumber party. The third is having the ability to discretely bill a small monthly fee to any of the major credit cards.
Seems too simple to me, but you just can't argue with Google. And if you happen to be Asian, have blonde pigtails, or "take it in all holes" then you already have a huge advantage.
Follow this plan and I bet the other teens in your high school will be talking about you in no time.
My mistress wants to meet my parents. Problem is that her age/ race/ sluttiness/ vocabulary/ class, play a large role in my dilema. She's great in the sack, but I'm stumped on what I should do. Any advice?
Posts: 55 Rank: 150 Joined:
1/8/2007
Location:
Johannesburg, South Africa
Posted: 5/31/2007 9:26:19 AM
Pic 2: An arm growing out of a pillow? Jumping Jesus on a trampoline! How can anyone sleep with that monstrosity? It looks like pillow man is about to crack open her ribcage and pull out her liver. Japanese people. Fucking weirdos.
Never let a mistress/whore/fuckbudy etc. meet your parents. She will begin to think thst she has ascended above the mistress level. She will start causing trouble for you and your main ho.
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 5/31/2007 10:08:58 AM
I know exactly how you feel. Dating outside of your race can be a tough and painful experience, however, with the right mindset, it can also be extremely rewarding. Imagine coming home everyday to a freshly cooked meal that you would normally have to go to a specialty restraunt for! Think about how your home would be covered in all of the voodoo artifacts of strange and heathenous cultures! Go ahead and plan your multi-language speaking childs future in the business world (an MBA can't go wrong as a translator!). And just take a moment to savor the fact that minority women are 10 to 1 more likely to be sexually open to experimentation than a Christian Anglo-Saxson woman. Sit down with your parents, go over these facts with them, and I think your father will be slapping you on the back in no time while yelling "Great catch!" in your ear! Unless your girlfriend is black. In which case get ready for some chitlins and loud table conversation.
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 5/31/2007 10:56:32 AM
but i didn't want to, because that was a real asshole move putting "see my profile pic" in the comment. like you think you're just talking to a bunch of spartan personalities or something. i vote that for this transgression you must change your name to "richard chuggins" for the rest of the day.
except that personally, I would have gone a different way on the cat thing. I would have advised catastrophe to feed the cat... a nice little snack of anti-freeze and broken glass, from there the problem just works itself out. And you can even get in some traumatic crying nookie, which is kinda nice. I mean it's not as nice as tears from the stripper during a lap dance, but it's close.
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