Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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Nothing's gonna stop them now. At least that's what Starship says.
Dear America,
David Beckham is here! Maybe you didn't read the previous sentence correctly. David Beckham is in the mother fucking United States! Why aren't you masturbating and shooting off fireworks? This is the greatest thing that has ever happened in the history of our country. He is a glorious man. I am going to be a huge soccer fan now. I could just shit myself because I'm so excited.
You know what he is going to do, don't you? He is going to kick the fuck out of a soccer ball for some team in a league. It is going to be awesome. Everything he does is really fucking cool. I routinely piss myself with excitement when I hear any news about him. I have remedied the situation by affixing an empty Gatorade bottle to my penis before I leave the house each morning.
It sure is funny and interesting how David Beckham drags that orange mannequin all over town with him. I heard it was once in the musical sensation the Spice Girls. That's cool. I guess animatronics improved and they replaced that mannequin with one that could do more moves. I wonder if he bought that one on eBay, or if they just gave it to him because he's David Beckham. Probably just gave it to him. I always wanted a Jasper T. Jowels anamatronic mannequin from the Chuck E. Cheese shows, but I never got one.
Did you know they once made a movie about a brown girl who wanted to kick a soccer ball like David Beckham? I bet that was awesome. I just put it on my Netflix queue. I'm gonna watch the shit out of it. I'll probably masturbate to it--what am I talking about? Of course I'll masturbate to it.
I can't believe that some people are actually saying that the whole circus surrounding the arrival of David Beckham is media-contrived. That's like saying that ESPN's Who's Now Tournament doesn't mean anything. The media would never smash something down your throat to make you believe it's popular. Blind trust titillates me.
Did you know David Beckham is best friends with Tom Cruise? Tom Mother Fucking Cruise! That guy was in Legend with a midget! Fucking awesome!
WWJD?
No, I will not call the first ten people in my cell phone and ask them if they give a flaming shit about David Beckham coming to America. I have nothing to prove to myself. Soccer is the most popular sport in the world. And popularity is important. If more people like something, that proves it's better than everything less people like. Remember high school?
David Beckham is a wonderfully skilled professional soccer star, AND he's a beautiful man. So what if he is now in a country that cares far more about televised poker games than professional soccer? It really doesn't matter because David Beckham always has different, crazy haircuts. I may get Beckham's jersey tattooed on my chest.
Uh oh, it seems that this recent surge in excitement has caused me to piss again. Good job, tightly secured empty Gatorade bottle. You are empty no longer.
I can almost guarantee that Beckham is going to take home the championship trophy in that league he is playing for that everyone cares about. Then we'll see a real media circus. I wonder if folks will try to label that one as "media-contrived". Soccer is fun, interesting, and meaningful for the average American to watch.
The past few weeks, I've been kept up by the idea that the apocalypse may occur over an identity mix-up between David Beckham and Jesus. I don't think that in reality there would any reason to fret. I have come to the conclusion that we would all be perfectly fine. Beckham would just challenge Jesus to a game of soccer or sexy face contest for the fate of our planet, and even though an Arizona Cardinals scrimmage on NFL Network would draw higher ratings, the world would be saved with a blasphemous array of bicycle kicks and well-timed headers. It would just be an ordinary day for David Beckham, the new father of our country.
Go professional soccer team that David Beckham plays for!
I was waiting for some one to point out a) how David Beckham is the most worthless thing to come to America since that guy who just sits in front of the Imperial Foo Kong and hums to himself, and b) that Who's Now Tournament from ESPN is about as worthwhile as counting the hair follicles on my feet. I hate both these things with unbridled ferocity.
5 out of 5 spoiled brats dragging their parents to an MLS game.
Posts: 12 Rank: 136 Joined:
7/20/2007
Location:
Vallejo, CA
Posted: 7/24/2007 8:41:04 AM
to generate enthisiasm for the worst team in the most boring pro sports league in all the world?
Hire a washed up cripple to lead the team, pay him way more than the rst of the team combined, and act like anyone in this country even knows (or cares) who the fuck he is! And give his robot her own show!
That way nobody will remember that actually watching soccer is about as fun as smelling a stranger's farts on a city bus.
All those votes I put in for Danica are meaningless? Dam, that means I should return that other computer, I picked it up so I could make lke 25 extra votes, to make sure my girl was the Who;s Now Champion of the World. They get a belt to carry around for the Whole Year, ya know. Like that Badass Bernard Hopkins, but their belt is waaay cooler, with more bling that a Lil John Pimp Chalice.
Posts: 263 Rank: 28 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 7/24/2007 9:16:45 AM
once called David Beckham a "Wanker". We then all punched him in various spots on his body, not because of his words, his thoughts on Beckham, but because he is British. All this kid would do was watch soccer, study, drink other people's beer and wear the same t-shirt for 5 days at a time. Plus, he uses some words we don't understand.
Posts: 65 Rank: 96 Joined:
7/12/2007
Location:
Buffalo, NY
Posted: 7/24/2007 9:18:46 AM
ESPN hold the Whos Now tournament months ago so that we could have celebrated the victor at the ESPY awards? Stuart Scott is kicking himself for not thinking of this.
Posts: 1517 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 7/24/2007 9:24:23 AM
Beckham and his wife should pose nude in some magazines and then get his wife a TV show. And then when Beckahm is playing on TV they should have a camera that just follows Beckham the whole time. Even when he's on the bench. These all seem like good ideas to me.
Posts: 581 Rank: 21 Joined:
12/8/2006
Location:
north babylon, NY
Posted: 7/24/2007 9:27:51 AM
that I wasted 8 minutes of my life reading about a soccer player. That's 8 minutes I can never get back. Great take on this whole thing though Juan. I think there might be 5 people in this country who give a shit about soccer and 3 of them are here illegally.
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