Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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"No your honor I only commandeered the car so that the black kid could chase my friends down at 100 MPH. How could I have known she was calling 911 because she thought I was gonna OJ her in that white GMC. And in retrospect, maybe I should have gone to Reno instead of Vegas when I got out of rehab, but at least I didn't drive the wrong way down the 134 like Nicole, or shave my head to show off the sausage rolls on my neck like Brit. I mean seriously your honor; Brandy like even totally killed people with her car. I can't possibly be in that kind of trouble. Look, how about I take my panties off and flash you and the jury my freckly vertical fur frown and you let me out of here so I can go plug my new movie on "Letterman" tonight? I'll even autograph a copy of Herbie Fully Loaded for your kids if you let me go in time to catch "Extra". Mark McGrath's frosted tips are so hot. Pretty please. I'm not nearly as fucked up as Jodie Sweetin. She was on like crystal meth before "Pants Off Dance Off". I mean, even the Olsen Twins know that coke is totally the thing right now. Meth is so 2001. And I swear I only let Michael Vick take care of my puppy that one time.
Seriously your honor what do I have to do to get out of here? I'll do a cameo on Willie Ames' "Bibleman". I'll write a essay for Vanity Fair about wreckless driving. Jesus, all Mel had to do was go to temple. Besides, Sherriff Baca is gonna let me out tomorrow anyway so can't we just cut out the middleman? I'll go outside and cry right now so the paparazzi can have their little embarrassing photo of me. Isn't that the worst punishment anyway? I figure sending me out to the cameras is like the Princess Di death sentence anyway, so will you just let me go? I promise I will never eat Wendy's on camera, or call myself Celestia, or jump on anyone's sofa ever. Just please set me free."
"Okay Ms. Lohan, we'll let you go this time, but only because your father threatened to pistol whip your kid brother Cody if we didn't. Case dismissed!"
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
That's right muggles, the woman who stole the idea for an empire from a shitty B-movie has killed off everyone's favorite wand waving q-tip. Yep, Dumbledore is dead. What pisses me off is that I saw Troll too. But I was too busy trying to freeze frame Julia Louis-Dreyfuss running naked through the woods to come up with a whole world of witchcraft and a little boy to walk through it. But JK stole the whole idea of a magical world hidden away from regular people and even lifted the name Harry Potter in the process. So if that's all it takes I can't wait for everyone to read my next book Ash Williams and the Deadly Demon Diary. In the book my totally original main character Ash finds an evil book in the forest that leads him into a whole world of magical miscreants and zombies that he must fight off with a chainsaw, a shotgun and a spork.
By the way, if you think I even halfway thought about actually reading this book then you probably have me mistaken for the kind of guy that would run out and buy some more Scott Tissue instead of using the 784 perfectly good sheets of large print fag boy writing that JK's publisher conveniently sent me to wipe my ass with. If I hadn't been checking to see if I had popped a hemorrhoid then I would have never seen the words "Dumbledore is dead" on the bloody brown page. But I did. So I can at least report to you that one of these gay ass characters is dead and that my proctologist has his work cut out for him. If you're pissed that I ruined the end of the book, then obviously this is the only website you read. There is already a site called DumbledoreIsNotDead.com that has as many theories about why the maturing mage is still alive as HBO viewers have ridiculous theories about the end of the "Sopranos" being Tony's last breath. But JK says the old prick is dead in her world. And it stands to reason since she wouldn't really need him for a sequel if she decided to print some more money for herself in the future.
Look, if I really want to read something at a 5th grade level I'll just turn the close captions on when I'm watching Girls Gone Wild infomercials. But a Tolstoy length novel shouldn't read like a PG version of Penthouse letters. I'm done with Harry. JK has enough money to buy her own small country, so here's hoping she does and gets a staph infection in her wizard's sleeve and dies within the first week before she ever thinks of writing more gibberish words and adolescent hijinx filled with unnamed badguys and a revolving door of dark arts defending dumbasses. Hairy Pooper is more dead to me than Dumbledore, unless of course Hermoine grows some double large D's by the time the make this film. Then I'll be glad to spend some more money on this magical world of wizards and witchcraft.
What do you get when four girls from different backgrounds abandon their respective cliques and form a whole new annoying clique of their own? Answer: "The View". Or in this case you get four girls who look like they had their eyes glued opened for a bukkake film on an endless shopping spree. That's right, while you may have to wait years for a My Little Pony live action movie, the wide-eyed girl's toy Bratz finally come to life in their own live action clunker that will surely be more annoying on endless DVD loop on preteen televisions around the world than it is in the theater. It's basically like hanging out in a mall shoe store on a buy one get one free day. In fact the only thing good I kind find about this movie is that the Paula Abdul was fired as a producer before it was finished. How fucking drunk do you have to be to get fired off of a movie that's only goal is to be slightly better than Spice World. If you hate yourself and have grown tired of slicing your lips and tongue with razor sharp Christmas tree tinsel then I highly recommend you run right out and see this one.
Matt Damon is back as a script stealing, academy award winning hack in this action adventure drama thrilleromedy. This time he will stop at nothing to find out the truth behind who he really is. He'll travel back to where it all began, Cambridge Mass where he'll discover the secrets of his own past. Will he be able to handle the knowledge that his best friend Ben once slipped him a mickey so he could see what it felt like to finger another man's butt? Will he ever be able to forgive himself for accepting an academy award that obviously should have gone to Kevin Smith or for sticking his Rainmaker in Wynona "I'd Love To" Ryder even after Soul Asylum's Dave Pirner had ruined any cleanliness her vagina may have once had. Or will he finally remember that he has already repaid his debt to Smith and the world with his appearance in Dogma?
Sure he's no Jason Statham, but Damon does his best to make this movie better than XXX: State of The Union, so at least there's that. And there's the fact that Julia Styles manages to have a small part that doesn't involve dating a black guy or speaking in Iambic Pentameter. Personally I'm still more partial to the Richard Chamberlain version from the 80's. I mean nothing says badass more than a guy who was in Shogun, The Towering Inferno, The Three Musketeers, and played Alan Quartermain. Can the Talented Mr. Ripley really compete with that? But in the end I like movies where cars go fast, shit gets blown up, and asses get kicked, so even with a script that make my skin crawl like a huffer who just did four wippits, I guess I kinda enjoyed this Americanized version of a European action movie. Just don't think that means I'm gonna be revisisting The Brothers Grimm anytime soon because of it.
1. I haven't gotten to see Simpsons The Movie yet, but I hear that they actually manage to break some new ground with the 19 year old characters. Which is great, however, I'd like to know what you would like to see your favorite Simpsons character do on the big screen?
2. Caption This
3. My best friend Shrapnel had a woman refuse to go out with him when he showed up to pick her up in his '78 AMC Pacer. Personally I think that car is a classic, but she told him it was a deal breaker. That got me wondering, what are your biggest turn offs?
I recieved a nice erection about 2/3rds of the way through "Bratz"...now that I am thinking about it, I recieved a nice erection about 2/3rds of the way through "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows".
1. Cancel themselves. 2. "You say semen dries like cement, eh?" 3. Stink breath or stink ass.
Posts: 82 Rank: 79 Joined:
7/16/2007
Location:
Hell, KY
Posted: 7/27/2007 7:59:36 AM
Can't wait till they make a parady of all the potter movies, "Harold Pothead". I would love to see Milhouse nail Lisa. That would be the end of the simpsons. They've never been happier than since Nick meat Antony. Glam hair. Flock of seagulls anyone?
Posts: 453 Rank: 28 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 7/27/2007 8:23:24 AM
1. I would like to see one of Marge's ugly sisters choke to death on Grandpa Simpson's cock. I hate those bitches, and Granpa Simpson cracks me up and deserves some action.
2. Where the fuck did you get the photographic evidence of me and my uncle????!!!!! Do you have any more?
3. Biggest Turn offs: a. having to beg for sex. b. having to pay for sex. c. having to use a knife for sex.
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 7/27/2007 9:14:11 AM
1. i'd like to marge, bart's teacher, and mr. burns in a hardcore s&m 3-way. it'd be just like that move 8mm except this time joaquin phoenix would live and apex twin would be playing during the entire movie.
2. after a long-haul dealing with a blueblood wife, raising kids, putting them through college, and finally losing his mistress to chrone's disease and lung cancer, another wisconsinite father has decided to let his hair down and just "be one of the boi's".
i'm looking directly at you evil fwank.
3. a. insolence b. insubordination in the bedroom, or on the street c. not being able to swallow a shot of evan williams and tapioca pudding with her asshole is a definet deal-breaker
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That's right muggles, the woman who stole the idea for an empire from a shitty B-movie has killed off everyone's favorite wand waving q-tip. Yep, Dumbledore is dead. What pisses me off is that I saw Troll too. But I was too busy trying to freeze frame Julia Louis-Dreyfuss running naked through the woods to come up with a whole world of witchcraft and a little boy to walk through it. But JK stole the whole idea of a magical world hidden away from regular people and even lifted the name Harry Potter in the process. So if that's all it takes I can't wait for everyone to read my next book Ash Williams and the Deadly Demon Diary. In the book my totally original main character Ash finds an evil book in the forest that leads him into a whole world of magical miscreants and zombies that he must fight off with a chainsaw, a shotgun and a spork. 
What do you get when four girls from different backgrounds abandon their respective cliques and form a whole new annoying clique of their own? Answer: "The View". Or in this case you get four girls who look like they had their eyes glued opened for a bukkake film on an endless shopping spree. That's right, while you may have to wait years for a My Little Pony live action movie, the wide-eyed girl's toy Bratz finally come to life in their own live action clunker that will surely be more annoying on endless DVD loop on preteen televisions around the world than it is in the theater. It's basically like hanging out in a mall shoe store on a buy one get one free day. In fact the only thing good I kind find about this movie is that the Paula Abdul was fired as a producer before it was finished. How fucking drunk do you have to be to get fired off of a movie that's only goal is to be slightly better than Spice World. If you hate yourself and have grown tired of slicing your lips and tongue with razor sharp Christmas tree tinsel then I highly recommend you run right out and see this one.
Matt Damon is back as a script stealing, academy award winning hack in this action adventure drama thrilleromedy. This time he will stop at nothing to find out the truth behind who he really is. He'll travel back to where it all began, Cambridge Mass where he'll discover the secrets of his own past. Will he be able to handle the knowledge that his best friend Ben once slipped him a mickey so he could see what it felt like to finger another man's butt? Will he ever be able to forgive himself for accepting an academy award that obviously should have gone to Kevin Smith or for sticking his Rainmaker in Wynona "I'd Love To" Ryder even after Soul Asylum's Dave Pirner had ruined any cleanliness her vagina may have once had. Or will he finally remember that he has already repaid his debt to Smith and the world with his appearance in Dogma?
