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Wake up you fucking maggots! It’s time for some goddamned reviews. So take your mother’s tit out of your taint licking pie holes and pay attention! This week in honor of a former Hitler youth being named as the Holy Father, I’m going to introduce my new Papal Rating scale. Don’t shit yourselves in the pews people we’ll have a new scale next week. Hopefully this Pope won’t ask me to kill anyone I like too much.
Papal Rating Scale PPPPP = The Holy Sea feeds a small country good! PPPP = Communion wafer with jelly good! PPP = As good as having your own hat that no one else can wear! PP = Bird shit on the Popemobile good. P = Priest snores through your confession good. p = for extra blessing in latin (for those who don’t understand, 5 is good, 1 is bad, dumbshits)
Movies
The Interpreter PP
Too bad the name Lost in Translation was already taken because that would have made more sense. This movie is a murky quandary of inane action at best. In more concise terms… Fuck that talentless prick Sidney Pollack. This hitchikers guide to a coma is maybe a split vagina hair better than Sahara was. The last time Sean Penn was engaging was Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I’m also pretty sure that Nicole Kidman’s forehead got it’s name above title. Do I really give a shit about a translator at the UN falling into an expansive plot of international mystery and espionage. Fuck no. Our commander and chief has already made it perfectly clear to the world that nothing that happens at the UN matters, so why should this movie be any different.
House of D P
This is a semi autobiographical historical account of a women’s detention home from Writer/Director/Star David Duchovny. That’s right, the Red Shoe Diaries guy (or X-Files for you geeks). When I heard Duchovny was going to be in a movie about a women’s detention center I instantly thought Caged Heat 4 : Fresh Meat on D Block, but what I got was sappy 70’s period piece with Mulder fucking around with his retard janitor buddy, Robin Williams. You heard me right. Imagine Mork from Ork got smacked in the head with shovel one too many times and went and hung out on the set of Evolution. Here’s a good one for you, Eryka Bahdu pulls a Julia Roberts and plays a hooker with a heart of gold. That’s not a joke, but it is the newest bad cliché in movies.
A Lot Like Love PP
A cute little romantic comedy where Ashton Kutcher courts Amanda Peet and hilarity ensues. At least that’s what the guy next to me said the movie was about when he woke me up after the credits rolled. I don’t even know if they ever hooked up or not. I know they went on a bunch of dates over the course of a bunch of years and Ashton sings her a song or something dreadful at the end. Maybe I just dreamed that. Holy shit! What if Amanda Peet got naked and I missed it. She was so hot in The Whole Nine Yards. All perky and young. Fuck! Am I gonna have to go see this piece of shit again now? Wait the movie is PG13. Whew! Maybe I missed some brief nudity or something, but nothing I’d have to go back for.
DVD Meet The Fockers PPP
Remember “Flirting With Disaster”, “Permanent Midnight”, and “The Royal Tenenbaums”. Well apparently neither does Ben Stiller. Those were great movies, but recently it seems like all he does is fuck around with his buddies Will Ferrel, Vince Vaughn, and Owen Wilson. They're like the new rat pack minus the booze, the chicks, and the talent. “Starsky and Hutch” could have only been better if the Grand Turino had fallen off a cliff in the first 10 minutes and ended the movie. Then you’ve got those bonafied winners like “Dodgeball” and “Zoolander”. Enough already. “Meet The Fockers pretty much falls right in between these two batches of movies. Not hysterical and not compelling. It’s got an awesome cast and a pretty decent build from the first movie, but Stiller still seems like he’s caught between Kentucky Fried Movie and LA Story.
TV The Shield PPPPP
Hands down one of the best shows on TV ever. Some people have trouble seeing past the Commish in the lead role, but maybe the addition of Glen “I’ll Boil Your Rabbit” Close as the captain this season will help. This show is grittier than most HBO dramas and it runs on FX! You will absolutely forget you’re watching basic cable after the third time someone says shit or a policeman is forced to give a blowjob at gunpoint. The show offers a fresh look at cops and robbers by blurring the line between the good guys and the bad guys. Sometimes the cops are dirty and some times the crooks are clean, but you can always be sure that you’ll never know what’s coming next in this series. If you missed the first few seasons go out and rent them immediately to catch up, and watch the rest of this season like it’s your new religion.
Music “Something To Be” Rob Thomas P Omigod! Rob Thomas without his band. Whatever shall I do? I know. I’ll get some hookers and blow and try to forget I ever listened to this piece of shit record. The only time this guy ever entertained me was when I heard he got booed off stage in Minnesota by college girls after he gained 68 pounds on tour. You know, I remember this one time I was camping in Joshua tree with some of my old war buddies and this one guy breaks out an acoustic guitar. He only knew Matchbox 20 songs and played them repeatedly, until of course, I broke one of his tuning pegs off in his nostril. That shut him up. A musician that only plays Matchbox twenty is like a porn star that only does hand jobs. I can’t believe Santana ever did a song with the guy. I must still be tripping from the brown acid I ate at Woodstock.
God, nicole kidman is looking more like Michael Jackson every time I see her. Aweful.
Also your photoshop of Mork in that turd movie almost made me piss myself.
nice work Jones. Hooah!
Dre Dre
Shield
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Posted: 4/22/2005 1:57:53 PM
The Sheild is the best show on TV. Peeps seem to have forgotten it, but it's still the best thing out there.
NWALover
Interpret This
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Posted: 4/22/2005 2:19:56 PM
Nicole Kidman looks like Sloth from the Goonies!
Julie
Idiot!
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Posted: 4/22/2005 2:31:48 PM
Did you even see A Lot Like Love? They hook up in an airplane bathroom right at the beginning of the movie. It's a really good movie and your reviews suck.
Julie's Father
You are in trouble little girl
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Posted: 4/22/2005 3:30:01 PM
I wonder how it is you can say his reviews suck when you obviously didn't read them:
My Daughter said: "Did you even see A Lot Like Love? ... It's a really good movie and your reviews suck."
Napalm said: "A cute little romantic comedy where Ashton Kutcher courts Amanda Peet and hilarity ensues. At least that’s what the guy next to me said the movie was about when he woke me up after the credits rolled. I don’t even know if they ever hooked up or not."
Honey, get back to work. Sincerely, Julie's Father
Julie
Still Wrong
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Posted: 4/22/2005 3:39:48 PM
First off your not my father. My father is a wealthy handsome man. You are obviously a broke idiot. The reviews did suck. I also don't think he listened to the Rob Thomas record either. It sound nothing like Matchbox 20. It is a really good CD. Much better than his old stuff.
Napalm
Bratttattatattaatta
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Posted: 4/22/2005 3:50:50 PM
I will gun down you and your family and then eat your children! I can't believe you're pissed that I slept through a shitty Ashton Kuntcher movie! Fuck that Mother lover. I hope Demi pops an implant in his eye and blinds him for life.
I have heard the Rob Thomas garbage and I'm sticking to my guns that it's the biggest piece of shit since Barry Manilow's greatest hits part 3.
Chill Will
Dead on
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Posted: 4/22/2005 6:26:59 PM
I saw 2 of the movies reviewed last week and the reviews were dead on. This website rocks and these reviews are always hilarious and accurate! Can't wait to see what you guys do next week.
Brenda Della Casa
Awesome !
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Posted: 4/22/2005 7:06:02 PM
Nape-
You are always so good to me and so nice that I will forego ripping you to shreds for dissin' on the Matchbox. I am afraid you might be right about Rob's attempt to go solo.
Great Piece--original and hilarious.
Joseph The Real Father Of Jesus
Funny As Hell
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Posted: 4/22/2005 9:42:53 PM
"This hitchikers guide to a coma is maybe a split vagina hair better than Sahara was."
That was some funny stuff. Sahara really sucked, so I'm guessing I should save the money on this one. Plus you mentioned the Pope was a Nazi, which I just found out was true. Equally funny.
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Movies
House of D
A cute little romantic comedy where Ashton Kutcher courts Amanda Peet and hilarity ensues. At least that’s what the guy next to me said the movie was about when he woke me up after the credits rolled. I don’t even know if they ever hooked up or not. I know they went on a bunch of dates over the course of a bunch of years and Ashton sings her a song or something dreadful at the end. Maybe I just dreamed that. Holy shit! What if Amanda Peet got naked and I missed it. She was so hot in The Whole Nine Yards. All perky and young. Fuck! Am I gonna have to go see this piece of shit again now? Wait the movie is PG13. Whew! Maybe I missed some brief nudity or something, but nothing I’d have to go back for.
Remember “Flirting With Disaster”, “Permanent Midnight”, and “The Royal Tenenbaums”. Well apparently neither does Ben Stiller. Those were great movies, but recently it seems like all he does is fuck around with his buddies Will Ferrel, Vince Vaughn, and Owen Wilson. They're like the new rat pack minus the booze, the chicks, and the talent. “Starsky and Hutch” could have only been better if the Grand Turino had fallen off a cliff in the first 10 minutes and ended the movie. Then you’ve got those bonafied winners like “Dodgeball” and “Zoolander”. Enough already. “Meet The Fockers pretty much falls right in between these two batches of movies. Not hysterical and not compelling. It’s got an awesome cast and a pretty decent build from the first movie, but Stiller still seems like he’s caught between Kentucky Fried Movie and LA Story. 
The Shield
Omigod! Rob Thomas without his band. Whatever shall I do? I know. I’ll get some hookers and blow and try to forget I ever listened to this piece of shit record. The only time this guy ever entertained me was when I heard he got booed off stage in Minnesota by college girls after he gained 68 pounds on tour. You know, I remember this one time I was camping in Joshua tree with some of my old war buddies and this one guy breaks out an acoustic guitar. He only knew Matchbox 20 songs and played them repeatedly, until of course, I broke one of his tuning pegs off in his nostril. That shut him up. A musician that only plays Matchbox twenty is like a porn star that only does hand jobs. I can’t believe Santana ever did a song with the guy. I must still be tripping from the brown acid I ate at Woodstock.
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