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If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, then thank a Marine!
There are a few things you should know about the Corps that extends beyond, “You can’t handle the truth!” and “Son, we live in a world that has walls and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns.” First of all, that Jack Nicholson rhetoric is fucking true, but there’s more:
“If it absolutely, positively needs to be destroyed overnight, call a Marine.”
“On the seventh Day God rested, the Marines filled sand bags.“
“The Corps is a department of the Navy. The men’s department.”
There is no substitute for battle. No amount of drugs, pussy or money can compare to the sheer carnal bliss of engaging an enemy and living to talk about it. You learn a lot in as a Marine, but here is my top ten lessons from the battlefield:
10. Nothing stops the bleeding from a bullet wound like plugging it with a severed human toe.
9. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
8. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
7. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
6. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
5. The buddy system is essential to your survival. It gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
4. Being surrounded only simplifies your problem.
3. One in the head is worth two in the chest.
2. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
1. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
President Ronald Regan once said, “Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem.” Ooo Rah. Semper Fi! On to the review.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
I’ve been looking forward to seeing a decent movie about the first Gulf War since I HALOed in just outside of Umm Qasr on a brutally hot night in November of ’90. Maybe it was just the hash we smoked in the C-130 before the drop, but as I tore ass down toward the warm waters of Persian Gulf, I thought, “that sunset is damn cinematic.” And there is just something about the way a splatter pattern looks on sand that is pretty fucking cool.
Anyway, I can’t say that I wasn’t a little disappointed when I heard that there wouldn’t be much in the way of actual fighting in this Sam Mendes flick about my beloved Corps, but I suppose that is the unfortunate reality of modern, mechanized aerial warfare. This isn’t ‘Nam where cooking a VC’s arm and eating it in front of him was textbook interrogation technique. That’s why I haven’t officially worked for the Corps since my six-month reup for Granada (I got a special dispensation thinking we'd see some truth). We got all juiced up to get in there and kick some ass, but maybe twenty of us even got to fire a shot. I, of course, emptied two full clips in the general direction of the enemy and that was with a sniper riffle. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna ever pack into a boat with a bunch of sweaty grunts and not get some. I was too old for that kind of bullshit even then. What a fucking disappointment.
Now I prefer to work for an agency with initials, and ideally off the books. Having that kind of latitude certainly provides you with advantages in terms of getting things done. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a Marine. You aren’t a former Marine unless you are dead. But let’s be honest. The Corps hasn’t had a chance to really flex since we took Iwo Jima. That’s why they should have called me when the wanted to make an Operation Desert Storm movie. I’ve got stories that would make your fucking eyes bleed. The Iraqi legends about U.S. Marines eating human hearts and fabricating Republican Guard soldiers like slaughtered livestock weren’t cut from whole cloth after all.
But if you insist on making a movie about the Corps, you won’t get any complaints out of me. Even if you choose to focus on a war where the enemy was, as Walter Sobchek so elegantly described: “a bunch of towel heads trying to find reverse in a Russian tank.” Sometimes it’s hard to even draw the line between the influence of the Corps on movies and the influence of the movies on the Corps. After all, would drill instructors be the absurd, endless train of bizarre effigies that they are today without the first, and better half of Full Metal Jacket? Would they still be getting the high and tight Jarhead fade if it weren’t for “Gomer Pyle”? Would “Ride of the Valkeries” have ever made it on a Marine’s iPod if it weren’t for Apocalypse Now? Fuck no. We love to see ourselves on the big screen just as much as any other rat fuck out there.
It’s hard for me to even remember what the last halfway decent movie about a soldier was. I think it might have been Scent of a Woman, but Al didn’t even really start yelling until the end of that one. Plus, a blind guy dancing a tango is about as realistic as Charlie’s big penis article. Pure comedy in my book.
Speaking of blind guys, I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy when I see that Ray Charles guy putting on a uniform in a movie after Stealth, but I guess he’s passable as the tough Sergeant. Personally, I would have cast Xzibit, but that’s mostly because of the fact that he is always laughing at his own terrible jokes and that reminds me of my first combat Sarge.
Alright, back to this movie. Honestly, the cast sucks. Jamie Foxx will always be that ugly bitch Wanda from “In Living Color”. Jake Gyllenhal has never been anything that didn’t make me want to punch a baby in the face, and Peter Sarsgard wouldn’t even be in the movie if he were balling Jake’s sister, you know, the chick who looks like a burlap sack filled with smashed apples from Secretary. Sarsgard couldn’t act his way out of a room with two walls.
For as much as I love a classic war movie, this ain’t no Bridge On The River Kwai or Dirty Dozen. But, the lack of action is pretty much the point. For anyone on the ground, Operation Desert Storm was about as exciting as watching General Schwarzkopf picking the lint out of his fat belly button. The only ground forces that saw any action over there were the fucking turtles [editor’s note: turtles are tanks]. And those stupid regulars spent more time shooting each other, which was covered in the Denzel slippery floater Courage under Fire.
This movie still lands close to my heart, however. Jarhead is basically about a sniper who gets sent in to the first Gulf War to play a game of “we trained you to kill, now hurry up and wait”. Our hero grunt gets so bored during X-mas that he trots out his other weapon in nothing but a fucking Santa hat- a scene which is sure to please Gyllenhal’s obsessed Donnie Darko nerd fans and Brokeback Mountain gay fans alike.
Jarhead is not about some glorious battle or war. It’s not about politics, which I can tell you right now is something a Marine could give a fuck about. If some suit says, “take the beach” we ask him where he wants his condo. If he says, “smash a coup.” We say, “who do you want to be the next dictator.” We don’t give a fuck. We are the fucking gun! Point us in the right goddamned direction and pull the motherfucking trigger! But the movie is still really good because what they show is just as real as being in the shit. Half of a Marine’s life is spent cleaning his rifle and beating off. Throw in the occasional letter from home and a game of gas mask football, and you’ve pretty much got it covered. The fact of the matter is, they train us to kill, and eventually, after all the brow beating and shit, you get good at killing. You wanna run off to some foreign land where the people don’t look or talk like you and do that shit. So this movie gets high marks for showing the evolution of a Marine who doesn’t get to do what he was put of God’s green earth to do, kick ass and take names.
A). If you were Jake Gyllenhall, shich actress would you be banging to prove you weren’t a man pleaser?
B). And out of curiosity, how many of you have actually seen Bridge On The River Kwai? Some of you fucking Star Wars nerds might find a new appreciation for the original Obi Wan if you took your hand off your light saber, stopped searching for nude photos of Princess Padme, and watched a real fucking classic movie for once in your pathetic lives.
Nobody ever drowned in sweat. Swift, Silent, & Deadly. Loved the article. I haven't seen the movie yet, but will do this weekend. Both parents are 20 year Marines. Mom is tougher than Dad. I couldn't go in because I lost my spleen in an accident. Thank you for your service.
yeah
we don't love you...
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Posted: 11/4/2005 8:25:46 AM
A) Simple...princess padme: Natalie Portman
B) "Bridge On The River Kwai" is for ass-backwards pro-war hacks. Good movie...but to view it as THE war movie is pathetic.
One message to the marines:
Stop the "I’m so tough" war guise, and just come forward as the bunch of homo-erotic loner war-freaks you are. "Ooo Rah...who wants to shove a poll up the new recruit’s ass?"
And before all you ex-marine "heros" get your panties in a bunch, just remember: there is more to life than fighting. beating me down will not convince me of that. If you wanted real respect, discipline and a sense of purpose, you could always educated your mind as opposed to you fists.
J-Dub
Fuck you YEAH
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Posted: 11/4/2005 9:24:50 AM
I am not a Marine but I would love to kick your ass for that comment you fucking asshole. These kids (18 yrs old) enlist in the service to do that you fuck.....serve your dumb ass. To disrespect the decision they made is what makes you number one douche bag of the day. You hippie fuck, I would love to see you in a situation like our guys see, no doubt you would piss yourself, pussy. If I haven't spelled it out yet, I hate people like you and I would love to ram my fist down your pussy ass throat!!
PS - When you are talking about educating your mind you should try to get your grammer right. "You could always educated your mind as opposed to you fists." It's called verb tense agreement you dumb fuck!
deuce
Q & A
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Posted: 11/4/2005 9:26:29 AM
a. any actress will do, as long as you tape it, and have "holy diver" by dio blasting on the stereo. no one will question your sexuality ever again.
L-Dub
J-Dub
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Posted: 11/4/2005 9:34:24 AM
Grammer is a town in Indiana, grammar is the study of how words and their component parts combine to form sentences.
That being said, I'm glad you're over there killing people so that I can be pretentious in an anonymous forum over here.
Dave
"VA" vs "VC"
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Posted: 11/4/2005 9:44:38 AM
"This isn’t ‘Nam where cooking a VA’s arm and eating it in front of him was textbook interrogation technique. "
I think you mean "VC's arm." I was in 'Nam so I know the difference.
The "VA" is the bunch of sniveling bureaucrats who won't pay for my morphine anymore.
Eric
Which actress?
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Posted: 11/4/2005 9:54:24 AM
If I was Jake Gyllenhall, I'd bang Maggie Gyllenhall. That would prove he wasn't gay, just really fucked up and confused.
Don't hate on Star Wars man, c'mon.
J-Dub
L-Dub....dummy
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Posted: 11/4/2005 10:17:26 AM
I’m glad to see you picked up on the sarcasm. Apparently the irony of my statement flew well over your head. I appreciate your attention to detail but please save your grammatical advise for someone who needs it, you pretentious cunt-rag.
PS - Well done on being creative with your name!
Fuel
You mean the spare parts division right?
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Posted: 11/4/2005 10:45:05 AM
“The Corps is a department of the Navy. The men’s department.”
You could also spell my name: SeAL
Any time you'd like to debate this topic I'd be more than happy to oblige.
Mortimer Duke
VA vs VC
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Posted: 11/4/2005 11:11:33 AM
I think he meant to say either NVA or VC, got excited about the prospect of eating the guy's arm, and made an understandable mistake.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
I’ve been looking forward to seeing a decent movie about the first Gulf War since I HALOed in just outside of Umm Qasr on a brutally hot night in November of ’90. Maybe it was just the hash we smoked in the C-130 before the drop, but as I tore ass down toward the warm waters of Persian Gulf, I thought, “that sunset is damn cinematic.” And there is just something about the way a splatter pattern looks on sand that is pretty fucking cool.
But if you insist on making a movie about the Corps, you won’t get any complaints out of me. Even if you choose to focus on a war where the enemy was, as Walter Sobchek so elegantly described: “a bunch of towel heads trying to find reverse in a Russian tank.” Sometimes it’s hard to even draw the line between the influence of the Corps on movies and the influence of the movies on the Corps. After all, would drill instructors be the absurd, endless train of bizarre effigies that they are today without the first, and better half of Full Metal Jacket? Would they still be getting the high and tight Jarhead fade if it weren’t for “Gomer Pyle”? Would “Ride of the Valkeries” have ever made it on a Marine’s iPod if it weren’t for Apocalypse Now? Fuck no. We love to see ourselves on the big screen just as much as any other rat fuck out there.
Alright, back to this movie. Honestly, the cast sucks. Jamie Foxx will always be that ugly bitch Wanda from “In Living Color”. Jake Gyllenhal has never been anything that didn’t make me want to punch a baby in the face, and Peter Sarsgard wouldn’t even be in the movie if he were balling Jake’s sister, you know, the chick who looks like a burlap sack filled with smashed apples from Secretary. Sarsgard couldn’t act his way out of a room with two walls. 
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