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The Bain of Nerds Everywhere
Well summer is half and over and we've found ourselves knee deep in summer blockbusters. This week we thought we pay tribute to one of our least favorite aspects of movie making, "The Sequel". Now, while it would be easy to rattle off a handful of horrid sequels, we, instead, opted to rank our least favorite kinds of sequels and some examples for each. Many of these listings are open ended so feel free to suggest the many that we missed. Life is way too short to even have seen half of these movies.
Let us present to you, the Ultimate 11 Worst Movie Sequels.
Who is that supposed to be? Sequels where the stars of the first movie are substituted with C&D-list actors
This is a classic move on the "Direct to DVD" circuit; the movie company is clearly just trying to cash in on the name recognition alone. We're expected not to notice or care that just about everyone from the first movie is somehow gone. The worst example of this is Caddy Shack 2. Each of the classically played characters from the first movie was replaced with someone that was clearly supposed to be an equivalent. You couldn't set yourself up to fail harder; Jackie Mason for Rodney Dangerfield, Robert Stack for Ted Knight and Dan Aykroyd doing a painful impression of Bill Murray. Everyone was gone except Chevy Chase who appeared like he couldn't have been less interested.
Other Examples: The Sting 2, Son of the Mask, Dumb and Dumberer:When Harry met Lloyd
Fuck You George Lucas! Sequels where, because the original was so successful, the director/creator was granted FULL artistic control and proceeds to fail spectacularly
We're counting the Star Wars prequels because technically they were released after the movies they were aiming to precede. The Star Wars Prequels had bomb written all over them. After re-releasing the original trilogy with new shitty scenes and edits added, Lucas let us all know exactly what he was up to, taking a huge dump on our collective childhoods. There was no way that these were going to work. The problem with movies like these is that because the original is so successful, so wildly popular, almost no one expects them to fail. Which is why even after The Phantom Menace and the Attack of the Clones came up completely empty we all piled into the theatres to see Revenge of the Sith because we thought, "Well... Lucas can't make THREE bad movies in a row right?"... Wrong.
Others: The Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions, Godfather 3 (just for making it a comedy by casting Sophia Copula)
From Bad to Worse Sequels to Bad movies with even worse movies
It's hard to imagine someone watching a horrible B-movie and saying "Man I wish this story kept going!". But it happens and it happens a lot. Now while we could easily fill the page with horrible B-movie after horrible B-movie that has, for whatever reason, an amply supply of cheaply made sequels, we'd be hard pressed not to mention the king of bad B-movie Sequels Troll 2. Troll 2 is frequently mentioned in the same breath as Plan 9 from Outer Space as being one of the worst movies ever made. We'd post a You Tube clip here to show you just how bad this movie is but we like you. It's so bad that Hipsters can't even watch it ironically. Yes. It's that bad.
Alright Fine... Here's 20 second clip if you need convincing! But we warned you.
Other movies: Silent Night Deadly Night 2
Why and Why Now? Sequels that no one asked for and came long after a time when they might even have been relevant
These movies are what it would be like for you to go back to High School 10-15 years after you graduate and pretend like you are a still student. The best example of this is Basic Instinct 2 where Sharon Stone plays the role of a Murderous Grandmother. (We think... No one actually saw this movie)
Other examples: The Sting 2(10 years), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (17 years), Be Cool:Get Shorty 2(10 years), Blues Brothers 2000(18 years) , Indiana Jones 4 (19 years)
Too for 2 Sequels that use the word "Too" as a clever double entendre
To be fair, any movie that has ever done this hasn't been good. They are actually doing you a favor by pointing out how bad they are ahead of time. It's believed that Jason Bateman did time in prison for his involvement with the movie Teen Wolf Too.
PS... Please read the names of the books Teen Wolf is leaning on. You're welcome.
Other Example: Look who's talking Too
Yeah...No thanks... I'm good for now. Sequels where one of the main stars of the first movie must have read the script and said "fuck no! This is a terrible idea."
You just know that originally "The Next Karate Kid" was probably just supposed to be "Karate Kid 4" and when Ralph Machio said "No thanks" some producer said "Hey let's re-write it and call it "The Next Karate Kid" and get a girl to be in it".
As a general rule, if you're pitching a movie... Any movie... and Ralph Machio says "No". you probably shouldn't be making that movie.
Other Examples: Police Academy 5 (Steve Guttenburg), Speed 2 (Keanu Reeves)
How could this be so bad? Sequels to hit movies that should have easily succeeded yet failed completely.
The first movie was a hit now let's make a sequel and change everything about it that worked. The two movies that come to mind here are Conan the Destroyer and Major League 2. Conan the Destroyer fucked up by giving Arnold Schwarzenegger more than the 4 lines of dialog he managed to utter in the first. Then, to add insult to injury, he was cast opposite Wilt fucking Chamberlain.
Major League 2 was a little different. Rumor was that the original script was too filthy for, then, Cleveland Indians owner Dick Jacobs to agree to lend the team name to even though the first one was plenty filthy. Really though, Renee Russo saying "fuck" a bunch of times couldn't have saved this movie from being terrible.
The Dead Horse! Sequels that couldn't leave well enough Alone.
Ok so you told a story. It had a beginning and an end. Oh... I guess it didn't have an end. Or ok... that was a funny movie. Now let's take that character(s) and beat it into the ground again and again.
Cinderella has arguably the hardest time having any sequels at all when the first movie and even book versions of the story end with the words Happily Ever After. LIARS!
Cinderella 2 & 3, Ocean's 12, Porky's 2: the next day, Shreck 2-4, Austin Powers 3
Hurry Up! Sequels that are clearly trying to cash in on a fad before it's too late
It's amazing that something as brief as the break dancing fade of 1984 had 2...count'em 2... movies made about it. For those of you not old enough to remember, Break Dancing was popular from March of 1984 till about September of that same year. We do concede that "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" is fun to say.
Other example: Book of Shadows (Blair Witch 2)
This Again? Sequels that are basically the exact same movie.
These are movies that are the equivalent of a cover song in that they are almost exactly the same as the first movie with only minor deviation. Why anyone would need more than one Weekend at Bernie's is beyond us. During the filming of "Weekend at Bernie's 2" both Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman were said to have been jealous of Terry Kiser (the actor playing Bernie) because, in their eyes, they wished they were dead too.
Others: Mannequin 2, Evil Dead 2 (though we like this movie)
#11 What is this? Sequels that have absolutely nothing to do with the previous movie(s)
Somebody spent top dollar on the rights to the name and next to nothing on the script. That's nothing new on this list, but at least most of these horrible sequels at least attempted to continue telling the story of their name sake. Halloween 3 is an enigma. It has nothing to do with Halloween 1 or 2 at all... Nothing. Not a damn thing. "Attention Viewers... Playing the part of Michael Myers will be a plot to blow up kids Halloween Masks. "
So that's our Ultimate 11... What's yours?
Please point all the horrible movies that we missed and won't ever be able to verify because there's no way we'd watch them.
Posts: 1823 Rank: 12 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 7/10/2008 8:20:30 AM
I've got a lot of movies. And if I have the first usually have the sequels or prequels of those movies as well. The never Ending story? Had 3 movies, the first was ok, second not so much, and the third had Jack Black.
Did you know there was a sequel to Robocop? There was also a third Major League. If you thought the second was bad, then you probably didn't see the third. By then they were down to Scott Bacula as the star.
There were also 3 Ninja Turtles movies, but they all ruled!
I love you but, you were wrong on a number of things:
1. There were 2 sequels to Robocop. 2. There are 4 Ninja Turtle Movies. 3. Ninja Turtles 3 was not good. There is no possible way that anyone could argue that it was.
On a side note, Ghostbusters comes out soon for 360 and it is penned by fucking Harold Ramis and Dan Aykroyd and they got the cast back to do voices! The WHOLE cast, including Annie Potts! I don't have a 360 yet but, goddamnit if I HAVE to own one for this fucking game.
Lord of Rings Two Towers and Return of the king can be considered sequels, more like a continuation of the story. Why they are making two movies out of the Hobbit baffles me? Greed is good, I guess.
Good sequel Matrix Reloaded, shitty sequel Matrix Revolutions.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 7/10/2008 9:53:03 AM
Thanks for the shout out in your profile. I've done a few of those things. Won't say which though.
Anyone out there have a movie franchise you're hopelesslly devoted to? I'll admit that I'll go see every X-Men sequel they want to make on opening weekend. Same with the Terminator movies.
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