Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Many guys out there are wondering how they can turn their girlfriends (or wives) into sluts or whores without pissing them off and making them leave you for your better looking, church going best friend. Here are five sure fire ways to accomplish this.
I'm married - hold on a minute, (vomits). Ok, whew. Hold on, (vomits once more) I'm married? Holy Jesus fucking Christ, at least I've learned a few things that I can share with the guys out there who still have lives and the opportunity to know what other tits, asses, and vaginas feel like without having to pay for them.
So you're with a girl who thinks that 69 is sideways missionary, doggy style is her barking while doing missionary, and a blow job is her blowing in your face while doing missionary, but you really like this "woman" and want to make things work. And by "make things work" I of course mean turn her into your slut. Well, my wife thought giving a blow job was disgusting when I first met her and she promised never to do it. Now she acts out scenes in Brazilian Cock Gobblers Part 5. So wonder no more, you're guide is here.
1. Watch Porn Together
I put this as number one for a reason. I have gotten freakier ass after watching porn with my woman than any other time. There's just something about a female seeing another female take two up front, two out back, three up top, one for each hand, one for each foot, all while singing the star spangled banner and wearing a pig costume that gets her thinking about how much she sucks in bed. The first time my wife and I watched porn together, we both walked with a limp for a week. Just tell her you rented a movie and don't tell her what kind. Pop that sucker in and note the surprised look on her face when she sees the previews for Norwegian Booty Annihilation Gang Bang Part 2. Right before she slaps the shit out of you, tell her you thought you could learn a thing or two for HER. Ah, the sweet smell of self centered dishonesty. And if you're thinking, "Yeah right, my girl would never go for that!" then just forget about making her a slut and start paying hookers because you suck at finding slutable women.
2. Take Her to a Nice Place For Once
Olive Garden is not a nice place, neither is Red Lobster. Those places only help guarantee you a hand job at best. We're talking about securing real, freaky, porno ass here. Here's a hint, if the only time you need to make a reservation is on weekends, that's not the right place. First off, find a four or five star restaurant in your area. Now I know that with this method there is a fine line between appreciative sex and prostitution, but we're talking about long term, free slutty ass here. Pay up this one time and you're almost home free. You're going to spend somewhere between $100 and $200 for this night, but before long she'll be doing things with you that make her pray for forgiveness. Order stuff you've never heard of. Get that expensive bottle of champagne. Smile at her and tell her how beautiful she is. This will make it very hard for her to deny you from shoving a double dong doggy bone shaped dildo in her slut hole while wearing a sombrero. And if this doesn't work, dumb the nun or you'll be watching porn by yourself for a long time.
3. Compliment Her Every Once in a While
And I put "every once in a while" for a reason. You don't want it to get old. When it gets old, it doesn't mean shit. Once a week, tell her that she is "fucking hot." If you can't tell your girl she's fucking hot, you've got yourself a real close minded bitch my friend. If you can't tell her this, get out quick. Any girl who's offended by the word "hot" will definitely be offended when you try to stick a champagne bottle in the front while you work out back. This method takes a few weeks, but after the first month start making suggestions to spice things up, if she says no to a Purple Suzie* get rid of her and let your Pentecostal friend have her.
You might be starting to notice something here. Most of these methods are the same methods you might find in "Make Your Relationship Work," or "How to Make it Last" books. You know why? Because any relationship where the woman is willing to do a hand stand while giving a blow job while a retarded midget video tapes it is a relationship that will last. It's the same thing. It all has the same end result. These methods = Dirty Sanchez = long lasting relationships. Moving on.
4. Pretend to Like Her Family
This part is key. If you're at the stage where you're meeting her family and you still can't get her to approve of an all night, no positions barred fuck fest; you've got some work on your hands. But it's nothing that hugging her mom and laughing at her dad's retarded jokes won't fix. Smile at them, hug them, and take them all out to dinner. If she doesn't say yes to a Thanksgiving Smasher** after that, leave her at a bus stop in the bad part of town. They'll show her what a slut is.
5. If She's Got Kids, Buy Them Shit
This is the one I'm going to hell for so I sincerely hope it works for you. If your girl has kids, even if you can't stand them, buy them some shit. I'm not talking about a Wii or PS3 here, just go to your local .99 cent store and get them some of those toy guns and knives. You're really killing two birds with one stone here. Not only will it make her happy, the kids will also learn violence at an early age thus aiding in the development of them becoming criminals, leading to them eventually going to jail and giving you and your lady some free time. The smiles she sees on her kids faces will eventually lead to her taking a load on hers.
Also keep in mind the fact that if she was able to have such big things come out of that hole, she's more than able to fit a whipped cream covered football in there or make some Mississippi Mud Cereal***.
I hope this guide helps you to obtaining the slut you've always wanted. I've included definitions for some of the above referenced terms below. Creating a slut can be hard work, but remember, it beats watching porn while screwing an anatomically correct Lisa Loeb doll. Trust me.
*Purple Suzie
A sexual position where a person is having anal sex with a dog and the dog's balls are squeezed till they turn purple. Then, right before they explode, the man (or woman) shoves their girlfriend's (or boyfriend's) face under the dog and after the dog's balls explode on his/her face the person lets the dog lick his own ball juice off.
"Oh shit! Amy got Purple Suzied!"
"Dude, get that dog and we'll Purple Suzie your wife."
**Thanksgiving Smasher
Where a man ejaculates into a woman's ear and removes the ejaculate with a turkey baster. He then places the turkey baster on a table and lines the end of the baster with the woman's anus. The man then smashes his hand or fist on the baster, shooting the ejaculate onto or into the woman's anus while she eats turkey.
"We need two basters. One for the turkey and one for the Thanksgiving Smasher."
"Dude, she can't hear you, she got Thanksgiving Smashered by Mark last night."
***Mississippi Mud Cereal
Where the man heats one stick of butter and chocolate in saucepan until melted and beats four eggs. He adds the two mixtures and stirs well. He then pours filling into woman's vagina and has vaginal sex for 30 to 35 minutes, or until hole is slightly crunchy and filling is set. When ready, he takes the warm juices, a scoop of vanilla ice cream or dollop of whipped cream and feeds it to a woman.
"Don't forget the eggs for our Mississippi Mud Cereal sex tonight dear."
"Amanda can't come to work today. Mark Mississippi Mud Cerealed her last night."
Posts: 2987 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/28/2006
Location:
Sylacauga, AL
Posted: 10/6/2008 9:20:44 AM
With all that said, I think that either: (a) creating ridiculous sex scenarios and giving them a clever name is played out; or (b) it just wasn't executed well here.
Again, I always be the FIRST to appreciate someone taking the time to write new -- free -- material up here for me to read, but this really didn't give me a tingly feeling "down there".
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 10/6/2008 9:44:43 AM
That was kind of a stretch. I just meant to proactively instill some "daddy issues" in your girl. It seems that most girls who had uncomfortable situations with their dad/uncle/cousin end up being slutty.
I completely agree with #1, needless to say. 2, 3, 4, and 5=zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
balls congrats on the fluke win, sorry I didn't bet but with 2 starters off and 1 hurt I smelled this loss coming.
A bet I did make? OU minus 26 vs Baylor. You people have access to the best sports gambler alive, I hope you are listening and cashing in. AB's picks are usually really good too though, just kidding.
Last thing about TPPFFL: My 3rd and 4th RBs are better than a few teams best RB. If you want to make a deal for one of them involving a very good WR let me know.
Old man got a chef from OKC to come to the ranch for their 40th. Good lord. I ate in succession:
3 Vodka/Sodas Caviar with toast points Some kind of duck dumpling asian thing (not bad) Salad White wine Chilean sea bass with noodles and crab (astounding) Port wine (sweetest thing in my mouth since 19's jugs) Champagne Chocolate truffles and vanilla ice cream Cigar
Epic. Old man and mom both had the filet so I had to try that fish, very good. Happy 40th guys, amazing.
Posts: 2987 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/28/2006
Location:
Sylacauga, AL
Posted: 10/6/2008 10:30:03 AM
I see. I think I was over-thinking that one.
vert, That's a gastronomic apocolypse you just described, but worth it. I always feel guilty eating Chilean See Bass (because it's been over-fished...along with just about every other good fish dish), but I can't stop myself when it's offered to me.
For my part, I had my first Dark & Stormy this weekend. It does taste good, but the sweetness/ginger stuff makes it a drink -- in my opinion -- too sweet to have more than one of.
And yes, I noticed the OU cover (that slaughter should not have been nationally televised; then again, Notre Dame should never be televised) and U. Miam's loss.
I may start paying attention to your gambling rants in the future.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 10/6/2008 11:06:06 AM
Delhomme had a decent game for you actually and I'm pretty sure Favre isn't going to throw 6 more TDs anytime soon. Colston isn't a sure thing against a good Minnesta D either and you may still have stuck with Smith and Royal at WR even if he was healthy. And I'm up by 13 and we haven't even seen how my #1 overall pick is going to do against quite possibly the league's worst defense. Stay down. Next case. Hot pussy. My dad is rich. Corporate real estate. Minorities are stupid, etc.
Posts: 2095 Rank: 8 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
The Wash, DC
Posted: 10/6/2008 11:09:53 AM
Should I even read this? No? Thanks.
Things I ate in succession this weekend:
Friday: Escargot Lamb Motherfuckin' Cold Stone Pussy
Saturday ("seafood" heavy) More pussy Bacon, Egg, and Cheese on Wheat Crab Dip Sushi Salmon (side note: some dish “ate” my cock)
Sunday Bacon, Egg, and Cheese on Wheat Cliff Bar Another Cliff Bar Yet Another Ciff Bar (4 hours on bike) Chicken Cesar Salad Tomato Basil Lasagna Bowl of Life Cereal (there, I said it) Chipwich
"Once a week, tell her that she is "fucking hot." If you can't tell your girl she's fucking hot, you've got yourself a real close minded bitch my friend. If you can't tell her this, get out quick."
Agreed. You can't lose with this. If she's the type of dish that isn't called hot often, you'll get a "Really? Not just cute?" Its on. Or if you get a girl that says "All guys say that." She's a wildcat that is also hot as fuck.
If she doesn't like it? She probably sucks in bed and is ugly. Of course if you're banging an ugly chick I have no sympathy but you could at least exit.
When I got home I watched tivo'd Saturday Night Live and Mad Men. 2 things: 1. Anne Hathaway is highly fuckable and definitely bright and fun. 2. Don is fucking Roy Hobbs with this exchange: "Don were you able to get off work?" Shrugs then says "I'm here." Stay down.
OU-Texas this weekend. Hopefully I pull off AB or Christine's version of a funnel cake instead of simply buying one for a white trash bitch like last year. Tons of scoring in the game, will be a lot of fun no question. Boomer fucking Sooner.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
1. Watch Porn Together
2. Take Her to a Nice Place For Once
3. Compliment Her Every Once in a While
4. Pretend to Like Her Family
5. If She's Got Kids, Buy Them Shit
