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Not this movie. The other Wild Hogs.
Dear Pornographers,
There is something going wrong with your industry. There has been for some time, but it didn't hit me until I watched my latest rental. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of most of your work. However, there are a few things that must be discussed.
There are certain things that when seen in pornographic films completely screw up "the moment." We as devoted customers and loyal fans of the genital arts deserve- no, demand the absolute best quality product available. When I sit down in the comfort of my motel room or Wi-Fi enabled tool shed, I do not want to see things on the screen that make me pause my stroking motion. If I see a wart of some kind on the woman's vagina, it throws my whole game off. Is that a regular wart? Is it a vaginal zit? What the fuck is that? For that matter, why is her vagina covered in red bumps? If Hollywood can make Keanu Reeves' pockmarked face attractive, surely you can make a vagina appear as though it wasn't just attacked by a swarm of Africanized bees.
And while my main focus when watching porn is not the penis, I understand that it is a necessary part of the cast. Given that fact, I would appreciate if the male porn star's penis did not look like it was somehow fabricated in a tube bending shop. It becomes very difficult to focus on the good points of the film- such as Jenny's ability to take anal beads constructed of coax cable and baseballs up her ass.
When I go to the trouble of getting out my jar of mayonnaise and vintage basketball sock that now looks like it was made out of paper mache, I have certain expectations. I rented Wild Hogs (not the John Travolta film) because I like big girls on motorcycles. Nowhere on the box did it say anything about guys with one testicle. That shit caught me totally off guard, and before I knew it I was flying half-mast because I'd spent an entire minute staring at some dude's beanbag wondering if it was just the Vicodin and whiskey I had, or if Santa only had one gift in his sack.
So how do we fix this? I suggest you as an industry adopt a sort of warning system for your packaging- a letter system that indicates if a film includes potentially distracting elements. Here are some suggestions:
DG: Disgusting Genitals- this would cover most of what I've already mentioned: tube benders, warts, razor burn, and missing balls as well as a host of other conditions including but not limited to white chicks with black labia, hideous scars, birthmarks that look like poop stains, pink sock, and all forms of "gaping."
MOF: Male Orgasm Face- I can't imagine who would want to see a dude's contorted face, but using it as a cut away between the sex and the money shot has to stop.
Distracting.
MS: Mouth Spitting- What's with spitting in the girl's mouth? Is that some new "cool" thing to do in adult movies, because I certainly don't remember that from several years ago. Slap the bitch in the face, choke her with her own thong, but don't spit in her mouth, that's just degrading.
UVE: Uncreative Vagina Euphamisms- Referring to the female genitalia "whore pits," "hoe caves," "cunt chambers," or any other combination of a derogatory female term and a word for an opening does nothing but prove you're handy with a thesaurus. The fact that the woman you are violating is wearing a pig costume and wallowing in the mud while being slapped by a guy in a clown costume is enough (although there could be a bit more squealing).
POH: Poor Oral Hygiene- Nothing ruins the moment like a girl opening her mouth to reveal a ghostly white, plaque-covered tongue and enough fillings to set off an airport metal detector.
MH: Man Hands- Where do you find these girls? If her hands look like she spent last year starring in the Discovery Channel's "Deadliest Catch", how about you find a different girl?
I hope you will consider this idea. As I said, I am a big fan.
Respectfully,
Mark Garrison
If you have suggestions for other warning ratings, please add them so I can put together a final draft of this letter and send it off.
Posts: 1046 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 4/20/2007 9:52:58 AM
How's that to start off your friday. Glorious job Mr Garrison, 5 stair sex mishaps gone bad.
I would like to expand on one of your recommendations and say that the camera should never, on any circumstances, switch solely to the guys face for more than a 2 second interval. No one wants to see some guys face for 30 seconds during a hot scene, no one.
Posts: 2748 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 4/20/2007 10:45:56 AM
Wonderful job! I can think of no reason to show a guy's face during porn at all. It is mainly viewed by straight men and women who watch get more turned on imagining what it feels like for the woman on screen getting railed, that they're not paying attention to the often ugly male.
I got stuck watching porn quite a bit when I used to live with a bunch of guys. I would run away at first, but after a few months, it didn't even phase me.
One porn was called Sex all over the City or something like that. The woman was obsessed with shoes and made the store clerks fuck her with heels. And they really fucked her with the heels. Watching that hurt my vagina so bad that I no longer use tampons.
whew.....that was close...but i gave it a 5 for the idea
()
Post #: 8
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 4/20/2007 10:55:26 AM
letter from the porn industry* dear sirs, white girls with black labia- this is why you don't buy the $5.99 dvd's just because they say they have 6 hours of "The Hottest Action You'll Ever See". trust me when i say that the lisa robin kelly face-clone we picked up on the way to the studio, isn't the hottest action you'll ever see, even if you're sparta. also, the black-labia thing seems to be a real problem with the asians. and of course, black women. MS and UVU are perfectly acceptable, and i will not have it any other way. spitting on a woman in any fashion, anywhere on her body, is always a good thing. her reciprocating is also nice. women's anal hair- we try to bleach it, and depending on foilage and "prep time" this should be acceptable. butt let's face it, no one likes finding hair in their food, and when you give a gal $10 bucks and some meth to lick another woman's ass, she's probably gonna bitch if it isn't at least presentable. man hands- this is a completely understandable quipe, and it should be worked on in the future, however, nicole bass makes excellent S&M videos, mainly because she's a steroid sucking mule of an amazon, so you'll just have to deal with it from her. -end
i would like to submit that women tossing man salad is by no means an acceptable act in porn. the sanctity of a man's ass should be kept private and not shoved into a 4 minute scene before the gangbang starts. how the fuck am i supposed to fantasize about Chrissy Cockholster swallowing my ballsack after i see her french-kissing some guys brown-eye?
Posts: 1516 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 4/20/2007 11:53:31 AM
Don't have a girl take face shots unless she really knows how to do it. When she knows it coming and closes her eyes and mouth and sort of looks away from the whole thing it sort of ruins it for me. I'd rather the guy just shoot it on her tits. That's what made Jenna Jameson so special (among other things) was that she really enjoyed the money shot (or atleast looked like she did). She got all in that and ate it up (literally and figureatively). God bless her.
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