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Yeah sure! It's EXACTLY equal to $5 US
Having been lucky enough to travel the world over and experiencing my share of absurdities and witnessing the absurdities of others I've met along the way, I thought it pertinent to help those out who may be traveling solo to some foreign destination. Heed this advice to enhance your travel experience, impress exotic locals, steer clear of road bumps and keep yourself from getting shot, stabbed or robbed.
- If you're not gay, tell a gay joke immediately, for 2 reasons. One, it might be news to you but the world is an extremely chauvinistic society so you should make sure you convince every native male you meet that you are a womanizer, just like he is. Furthermore, you are probably traveling for 2-3 weeks max and there isn't that much time to figure out people that you encounter in your travels. Tell a gay joke quickly to let everyone know that indeed you are not gay. They were all thinking that you were because you were a dude, traveling by yourself.
- Know the exchange rate. "Is it 300:1 or 30:1???" Get your shit straight before you become every Vietnamese peddlers best friend.
- Don't be desperate to make friends with travelers that you have just met. I mean like, ones that you met five seconds before. That creepy look you are giving and over interest in everything that I say makes it seem that you are not very cool and that no one that you have run into along your travels has wanted to hang out with you or hear any of your stories. That is why you are here trying to attach yourself to me like a parasite. Remember, YOU decided to travel on your own. Don't act like you were just rescued from a deserted island after being lost at sea for years and are excited to have human contact.
- That being said...Brag as quickly to possible to girls and frankly anyone that you come in contact with. Slightly embellish every story because there are no points for subtlety. You may only have a night or two to wow people with your travel stories or imaginary wealth. You will regret any moment where you do not come off like a slightly pompous ass. No one is going to remember that quiet guy who didn't say much. As a matter of fact, they will probably think you're gay.
- Bring a watch. There are buses to catch, planes to board, free breakfasts to make and that cell phone you brought doesn't get any service, idiot. Additionally, you are most likely on budget travel and every hotel/hostel you stay at doesn't have an alarm clock, let alone there even being phones in your room if you were thinking about a wake-up call. Betting on your internal clock = not getting any REM sleep.
- On top of that, don't sleep naked. I have seen signs in hotel rooms that say, "The cleaning agents used in this hotel kill the HIV Virus." What in the fuck is going on in that hotel that you need to have a plaques in each room that state that?! I am not sure if that is reassuring or terrifying. Regardless, clothe yourself when you sleep.
- Actually, bring a sleeping bag too.
- Drink a lot. It's easier to meet people. But do not black out. Those people that you just met might SEEM like your new best friends, but they would just as soon leave you passed out, face down in a canal if that meant that they could continue partying that night. Most especially, do NOT black out in Eastern Europe. You've seen the movie, Hostel. Drinking Absinthe in Prague is great and all, but not worth waking up shackled to a torture machine in the bellows of an abandoned factory.
- If you DO black out and your next memory finds you at an unknown bar in Amsterdam with a drink in front of you and are told by the bartender that the gentleman across the bar bought it for you...it's time to get your ass out of there.
- If you DO black out and your next memory finds your ass-naked-self on a beach chatting with a gun toting Cuban soldier who doesn't want to talk with you...after you have been having a threesome with 2 girls in the ocean...after Fidel Castro threw an "all-you-can-drink" party at his palace that you attended...it's probably best if you just found your clothes and high tailed out of there.
- If you DO black out and your next memory finds you being woken up on a sidewalk in Madrid by a man holding a knife to your throat who is trying to rob you and says to you, 'Give me all your fucking money!" and you stand up, shove him and yell, "Give me all YOUR fucking money!"...It is indeed time for you to sprint down the street and hijack a cab.
I would fly instead
Note: This black out thing could go on and on, but you get the idea.
- If you are traveling with a group having not known anyone prior to the trip, don't hook up with anyone else in that group. Awkwardness would not begin to explain the dynamic between your not-giving-a-shit self and the person who now thinks that she is your vacation girlfriend. Everyone else is traveling with his or her friend or significant other and you will always be stuck next to your new "vacay-friend" on every bus ride, plane trip, and group meal.
- Always take mass transit. You, by yourself + a cab driver who knows you're not from that country = The "only left hand turns" route to your destination.
- Always take mass transit...except when you read in the Lonely Planet that the road you will be traveling on is called "The Death Road". (This will usually happen in South America or South East Asia) It is either called that because buses venture off of cliffs with the frequency that Jenga pieces fly off tables, or because lone tourists like yourself are used as tolls to get through rebel strong holds.
- Don't leave your Passport as collateral for renting a car on a small Greek Island. Just don't.
- Don't mess with people with scars on their face. Yes, this could pretty much be sound advice anywhere in the world at any given time, but it is especially true when traveling by yourself in Africa. The man standing next to you at the cross walk with a gash down his cheekbone, made from most likely a machete hack, needs not to be talked to nor looked at. The fact that the man has a scar on his face that big and is not dead means that he probably killed whoever did that to him.
- Don't shave. A razor is a bitch wand, when traveling solo. It looks desperate. If you're sitting at a bar in a foreign country by yourself and clean-shaven, you look like the talented Mr. Ripley. Unshaven, you look like Dos Equis' "Most Interesting Man in the World". Shaven, you have about as much enchantment as a bank teller. Unshaven, you have the mysteriousness of a bank robber. Shaven, you look like a huge jackass. Unshaven, you look like Hugh Jackman. Being clean-shaven while traveling screams that you are trying very hard to get with a foreign girl but haven't yet. Being unshaven subtly projects that you've gotten with a foreign girl every night and haven't had time to shave. Razor burn shows that you are still thinking about work. Stubble shows that you wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world but right where you are.
- Learn how to take photos of yourself without your extended arm in the picture so you can convince people that you didn't have to (at times) take photos of yourself.
- Don't take photos of yourself when there are other people around perfectly capable of taking your photo for you. Nothing screams, "I am only traveling so that I can brag to people at home about how cool I am even though I couldn't find one person to travel with" like a douche bag taking a photo of himself in front of the Great Pyramids.
Just kick whoever they kick
- Put your money in separate pockets/places, unless you are about to enjoy the company of paid entertainment. She does not want to wait for you to dig into multiple pouches and/or sweaty socks and hand her crumbled bills that hopefully add up to whatever you owe her.
- Say you love soccer, no matter what. Just root for who the majority is rooting for and stick with those people, win or lose, so you don't get shanked.
- Lastly and perhaps, most importantly, the new magic English phrase to utter to get you out of trouble when you don't speak a word of the native language is: "Barack Obama". I'm not kidding. It works. Just say it with a pair of thumbs-up and a shit-eating grin on your face. It might save your life or get you a TON of free drinks. Either way, that's pretty sweet.
Craven Moorehead, you dumb fucking asshole, all of the regulars left. You look so stupid posting on here after all this time....wait a minute....FUCK YOU!
thanks for asking. Your dad's a fantastic mentor. He's been helping me learn our route and teaching me the ins and outs of driving a garbage truck. It's like he's the Jeff Gordon of the LA Sanitation Department. He's also showing me the ropes around the landfill - he really knows how to find the best stuff in there.
Hard to believe he's able to do that and still have enough time left to fluff over in Van Nuys on the weekends. You must be very proud.
If my father was able to hold down a garbage truck job, I would be very proud, or even a fluffer job, but he fucks everything up. He's a bad dad, so have at it.
However, it's easier to have a mother like yours, who is wheelchair bound and can't work, that way when I am fucking her in her ass all day, I don't feel like she isn't "living up to her potential."
"Rolling holes" we call her.
BTW, I don't know if you meant to paint yourself into a corner like that by saying you are learning the garbage truck trade from my father. Do you want to be a garbage truck guy, or do you want to make fun of it? Pull your head out of my fathers' ass you shitdick.
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