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Some people prefer Gatorade
After watching Albert Haynesworth decide to use Andre Gurode’s head as if he were lowering a kick stand, Billy Volek finally felt like it was time to speak out on his last days as a Titan, how his coach Jeff Fisher might have an easier time coaching nomadic Visigoths and what the mood was like in the locker room, or as Billy called it, “A poor man’s Abu Ghraib.”
“Well first off, I would come into the locker room to the haze of marijuana smoke mixed with that tangy scent that can only be free based heroin. Trust me, I know it by now. Following a dream about unicorns and Ring Dings and waking up in my own vomit, I would cough up the lining of my esophagus, and try to somewhat regaining my equilibrium. As you can see already, this is not exactly the Type 1 environment to get ready for a football game. I would try to make my way through the fog but would more often than not stumble upon a game of street craps being played by cornerbacks Pacman Jones and Reynaldo Hill.”
For those not in the know, street craps as it is called, usually consist of at least 2 African American men in a back alley throwing dice onto a piece of cardboard with the average person too scared to stare for too long to facilitate learning the ins and outs of the game. To this day, no white man not in organized crime knows the actual rules of this game. What is known is that it is eerily similar to the casino version minus the pit boss, cameras, betting schemes, and the ability to get stabbed in the ribs with a metal shank at any moment.
Billy continued, “Yeah I mean, Pacman and Reynaldo would have crack rocks and wads of cash lying all over the place. I’m not too up on the rules but they treat it like Casino Royale and they truly don’t like white guys walking through their game, that’s for sure. I appreciated Pacman and Reynaldo’s enthusiasm but I don’t know if you’ve ever been backed into a corner of your own locker room by two cracked out black guys who look like the predator. It’s not the most comforting feeling.”
Pacman Jones is of course the man who said after the game against Dallas that the Titans “needed more thugs” on the team. Yes that’s right, he said this after the game where one of his teammates stomped on an opponent’s face with his cleat. And people say there’s a problem with American youth? Ha!
When Billy Volek wasn’t disrupting black market dice games, you could most likely find him being awe inspired by Kerry Collins playing a game called "Let's Black Out".
Believe it or not, it's 3 different people!
“Yeah, Kerry was a trip man. This guy did so much coke that he constantly looked like a baker who kneaded dough with his face. Not to mention the crushed beer cans all over. I can’t imagine the first stage of a recycling plant looking much different than Kerry’s locker.”
Kerry Collins is the man of lore who gave wetbacks about as much respect as General Custer. Kerry also thought that calling all of his non-white teammates by an ethnic slur was a good way to bond.
I then asked Billy about how he felt of the other quarterback, newly drafted Vince Young.
Usually how we found Kerry Collins before gametime
“Off the record?” I nodded. “Oh, well he’s dumb as shit. He might as well be a lowbrow. That kid scored an 8 on that Wonderlic Test. A sheep could score the same. Coach one time couldn’t find any of the chalk for the chalkboard when we realized that Vince had been left unsupervised. Sure enough, that guy had crushed all the chalk in a garlic press and was frying it in the team kitchen. Who brings a garlic press to practice? But he’s from Texas; you know how it goes down there. So with Kerry and Vince you get the square root of stupidity, I guess.”
I didn’t want to tell Billy that it would actually be "the square of stupidity".
dreads (polomalomaluu included) under the helmet = queer. show some fucking pride. you're a professional.
oh. wait.
nice job bassam
Kotter
I liked it
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Posted: 10/10/2006 9:01:41 AM
The only thing you might consider missing would be the requisite Michael Irvin or Lawrence Taylor cocaine/crack reference. That can be forgiven.
Well played, sir.
antony
this should have been a 5...
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Posted: 10/10/2006 10:08:27 AM
but, you have the grammar of a 7 yr old autistic child, so it's a 4. good job.
The Myth
Good Times....
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Posted: 10/10/2006 12:50:21 PM
I actually went to high school with Billy...oddly enough at that time he was the one doing the coke. It's good to see that he's stopped that. Fuck it, Go Chargers!
Batata
Whatever
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Posted: 10/10/2006 2:32:34 PM
Go Bears!
Tangent Guy
Which One in Pic#2
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Posted: 10/10/2006 8:00:47 PM
is a Williams sister?
Good piece - I only found one inaccuracy. Without a doubt, had Vince Young been left alone with the chalk, he would've snorted it, not fried it.
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