 | File photo of the author. |
After watching Morgan Spurlock's Supersize Me on DVD, my life has been transformed. Now, I have to admit that I fell asleep at some point during the movie, and it was only later, over coffee, that my girlfriend Karen explained to me that Spurlock maintained a diet of strictly McDonald's menu items for one month to find out if the food was nutritious enough to sustain a healthy life, and not, as I maintained because "it would be awesome."
Why did Spurlock conceive such a diet? My girlfriend and I disagreed on this as well. She claimed that Spurlock got the idea for his film after watching a news story where two obese girls had sued McDonald's for making them fat. I suggested that he probably just wanted a burger and his creepy Vegan girlfriend wouldn't make him a quarter-pounder. But Karen insisted that her opinion was more valid than mine, simply because she hadn't fallen asleep during the movie.
At any rate, the movie got me thinking. What else aren't "they" telling us? If McDonald's isn't good for us, then what about tuna fish, the Internet, or Clay Aiken? I figure if some Hitchcock wannabe from West Virginia can get famous exposing the obese underbelly of America, so can I. Only, I wouldn't take potshots at an easy target like McDonald's -- I would take on an institution that helped make this country great: tobacco.
To quote Spurlock, "There are rules to what's going on here in this whole process." God, what a hick. Here are my rules:
- I must smoke 3 packs of cigarettes per day for one month.
- I must smoke at every clich opportunity (e.g., after meals, after sex, after my first cigarette).
- I must smoke a different brand every day.
I will not have the benefit of a camera documenting my progress so the
following journal will be the only record of my experiment. My hypothesis: Smoking may (or may not) be bad for me. I've enlisted a nurse I know to monitor my health during the course of my experiment his name is Dan. After a short physical (no need for Dr. Jellyfinger today, Dan), he determines my health to be average to below average. Like Spurlock, I will not be exercising for the entire month it's a small sacrifice, but it's one I'm willing to make.
Day 1
Camel Lights
Man, these are smooth and refreshing. I feel a nice buzz when I smoke
the first couple cigarettes, but not so much as I near the end of the third pack around Sunday night HBO. Karen starts bitching when I accidentally burn her while we're watching "Deadwood." Serves her right for laying on me I'm not a goddamn throw pillow. She leaves in a huff. I've still got a lot of energy. I think I'll stay up tonight and work on my novel.
Day 2
Marlboro Lights
Jesus, these taste like cleaning products, and not like the pleasing, lemon-tinged ones. I meet some fellow smokers outside at work. I hide the Marlboros because smoking such a pussy brand makes me feel a little like a high school lacrosse player. Anyways, with all the smoke breaks, I figure I'll spend about ten hours less in my cube a week, which works out to about 21 days less cube time a year Score another one for the experiment.
Day 3
Marlboro Reds
Now here's a brand I can roll up in my sleeve like Schneider did (before possibly dying of lung cancer). These are a little harsher, but it's worth it not to feel like a fag, which is not a pun, you wankers. Karen and I do dinner at Ruby Tuesday's and there's a funny moment with the host, when Karen says, "First Available," and I say, "Smoking." I compromise, and we eat at the bar.
Day 6
Winston
I haven't had a chance to write because I've been fighting with Karen a lot. She says my kisses taste like smoke and I smell like a strip club. I KNEW SHE WAS A FUCKING STRIPPER!
Day 7
American Spirits
Today is going to be a challenge because these cigarettes will not stop burning it takes about ten minutes to smoke one. My mouth tastes like an ash tray, which I know because last night at a bar, after having finished my requisite three packs, I licked an ash tray in a pitiful attempt to ingest some more nicotine. Also, smoking is fucking expensive. How do bums afford to live this lavishly?
Day 8
Parliament
I'm not sure how this recessed filter technology works, but I find it oddly reassuring. I met with Dan today. He says my blood-pressure is slightly higher or he mistook the reading during my first physical. He admits he's not "technically" a nurse until he completes his final and mails it in.
Day 9
Basic
Pretty standard smoke. I came home tonight to find "IT'S OVER!" spelled in cigarettes on the floor I think it was Karen. I smoked the exclamation point first. DON'T YELL AT ME, BITCH!
Day 11
Lucky Strike
Smoking these makes me feel like I successfully stormed the beach at Normandy. I imagine having a Lucky after a tough day of shooting Krauts and then screwing a French farm maid in a barn. Man, they really were the greatest generation.
Day 12
Pall Mall
I have to admit, I can't really taste the difference between these cigarettes anymore. Also, I can't feel my tongue. I mean, if I grab it with my fingers, I can feel something in between them, but there is no sensation in my mouth. On the plus side, food holds almost no power over me now I've lost ten pounds already! Suck on that, Spurlock, you fat hillbilly.
Day 14
Black Death
I'm not making this brand up, and I applaud their honesty in marketing. I went to a Cinema Draft House today so I could embrace all my passions at once: Smoking, drinking, and cheap movies. Ten minutes into the film, a guy asked me to put my cigarette out. I told him smoking was not only allowed but encouraged in these types of theatres. He asked if I could make an exception for his two little girls during a matinee of The Incredibles. I flicked my cigarette at him and told his daughters to quit fucking looking at me.
Day 15
Newport Lights
Before I tried them, I was always skeptical of menthol cigarettes, but I think these black people might be on to something menthols are smoooooth. I'm half way to completing my experiment. I met with Dan today. My blood pressure is definitely up, and he thinks I may have ingested a whistle.
Day 19
Kool
That's it; I'm a menthol man. I've been spending a lot of my time in bars, which are really the last sheltered refuges for smokers in this country, unless you live in a trendy state like California or New York. I've met a lot of women who smoke, and I've discovered that women who smoke are likely more willing to put just about anything in their mouths. Call them orally fixated or whores or whatever. I'm still a little creeped-out when it's over, and I hear a gravelly voice rumble in my ear, "now, give me a kiss."
Day 21
Capri Slims
The rules are the rules; these were the only cigarettes at the gas station that I hadn't tried. If it's possible that smoking a particular brand of cigarette could make you gay, this would be the brand. I feel like I should be wearing a red velvet scarf and drinking brandy when I smoke them. In private, I power through my three packs and then buy some Newport Lights, which I'm smoking on my own time.
Day 26
Newport Lights
Well, this whole experiment is kind of shot. Last week, Dan spilled a bed pan on the doctor at his internship and got canned he's really down now and he refuses to evaluate my health. I feel fine. My teeth are showing some wear and I have nicotine stains on my fingers, but I think it lends me a working class kind of charm. To be honest, I kind of abandoned the other brands in favor on Newport Lights. Newtie Booties, as I call them. I considered going with a brand that offered a prize currency, to really get a return on my investment, but in the end I went with the flavor and smoothness I rely on.
Day 42
Newport Lights
Without the fancy cartoons and marketing gimmicks of Spurlock, my article has failed to garner any interest or make me famous. I thought about ending the experiment at Day 30, but hey, I'm still alive and kicking. And now that I'm single, I have a lot more money for cigarettes. Besides, I can quit anytime I want.
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