For the past five years Ive had the misfortune of being a phone monkey (i.e. inside sales rep) for a variety of companies that no one has heard of (always fun at a dinner party). While the salary is decent, there are certain things about the job I hate more than a bad case of the shits on a first date. More than anything, I despise cold-calling, the bane of every sales reps existence. Over the years as Ive pissed my dignity away, Ive noticed that the majority of annoying assholes Ive called can be placed in one of the following categories.
The Laughing Hyena Without fail, whenever I call the main number of any company, the person answering is laughing. Theyre probably laughing about how theyre happy they dont have my shitty job. Or perhaps the Fed-Ex delivery guy thinks hes the next Chris Rock because he mixes the word fuck into every sentence. Whatever the case, the laughter briefly stops when I interrupt Comedy Hour at the Apollo, and then continues the minute Ive asked to speak with Mr. Arrogant VP of No Im Not Buying Your Software.
The Gatekeeper After the laughing receptionist transfers me to some dickhead VPs office, I must now contend with the Gatekeeper. Although the Gatekeeper sounds like a character in Ghostbusters, its usually a cranky older woman and not some medieval Satanic gargoyle wreaking havoc on New York City. With interrogation skills most likely perfected at Abu Ghraib, the Gatekeeper usually starts things off by asking what the call is regarding. Hey you old hag, the call is regarding the fact that Im a fuckin loser who cant get a better job and is therefore reduced to calling miserable sons-of-bitches like your boss all day and bugging them to buy our software.
Mr. Best Friend (aka The Talker) One of the few pleasant people to talk to during a cold-call (read: this guy is going nowhere quickly on the corporate ladder hes just too goddamn nice), this guy always has time to shoot the shit. Whether its telling me all about little Johnnys PeeWee football game last weekend, or the killer steak he grilled last night, the Friendly Guy always has something to say about everything. While it sure is nice to talk to someone who sounds like an actual human instead of some corporate drone in pleated khakis, it does absolutely nothing for getting my boss off my ass on why I havent sold this guy jack shit. The Friendly Guy's favorite excuse is that he is being required to bring the proposal to committee. I can guarantee Ill still be talking to the guy a year from now about whether Budweiser Select really has no aftertaste, and the friggin committee will still be trying to distinguish their asses from their elbows.
Look kid, I don't have time for your call
Mr. Speakerphone This douchebag is so full of himself that he can never actually pick up the phone to talk.Yeah, yeah, it allows him to freely move both of his hands and multi-task. If you actually believe this, youre a douchebag too. Multi-tasker or not, this guy is an arrogant prick who thinks using the speakerphone shows that my call is about as important as his wife that he is cheating on with the hot marketing assistant down the hall. This guy also likes to answer the phone using just his last name. Barking out Jones is a great way to let everyone know just how important he really is at PieceofShitCompany.com. It's also a great way to tell me that he's an asshole.
The Pissed-Off Executive Youd think you were talking to God, the way this guy acts. The call will usually start off with something like How did you get this number? Hey buddy, I looked up your company on the Internet, called the main number, asked for the guy with the stupid shit-eating grin on the management webpage, and lo and behold, they transferred me to you. Guys like this usually find it necessary to verbally berate me in a pathetic attempt to show how powerful they are. In reality, I just picture some fat prick with jowls and a beer gut whose ass I would kick if he ever pulled that shit in real life. If I didnt give a shit about job security, Id show him what being pissed off is really like. Of course, if Im calling a company like Halliburton or Diebold, Id probably end up having an accident one day on my way to work.
Dont Have Time to Talk Guy The Dont Have Time to Talk guy is a variation on the Pissed-Off Executive. My call is most likely interrupting him practicing his golf shot, checking his portfolio on Schwab, or getting his knob polished by some intern under his desk. But since this is the important world of business, and hes an executive, his time is valuable, mine is not, and the last thing he wants to hear about is a software solution that could actually help his scandal-ridden company. Hell never know this, however, because every time I get his extremely busy ass on the phone, the first and last thing I hear is I dont have time to talk. Hell have plenty of time to talk after his companys stock goes in the shitter and hes indicted on charges of accounting fraud.
Jesus... errr Jones here
The Confused Guy The Confused Guy has a memory worse than Dick Cheney during a Vice Presidential debate. I could have talked to the shit-for-brains for thirty minutes the day before, and when I call back to follow up with some additional information, hell act confused, like the call never happened. And who knows, maybe it didnt. Maybe I just imagined the entire conversation while he was out getting his happy-ending at the massage parlor. Whatever the case might be, Ill have to waste another ten minutes explaining what we talked about twenty-four hours earlier, and Ill most likely repeat the exercise in futility a week later.
The Weirdo (aka Social Retard/Future Serial Killer) One of my personal favorites, the Weirdo is usually some mid-level IT manager. His office is probably decorated with original Star Wars action figures, and he took three days of vacation to watch Revenge of the Sith fifteen times in a row with no piss breaks. The Weirdo has no concept of how to interact with other people, and as a result, the conversation is extremely one-sided and awkward. Sometimes Ill wonder if Im the one who has a problem relating to people. After about 2.1 seconds, Ill realize that the Weirdo is the one who pissed his Star Wars action sheets at band camp because some fat bully picked on him. In fact, Im probably the same kind of guy that the Weirdo despises. Ill be the first one to take a bullet to the head when the Weirdo gets downsized from his job and decides to play out his Xbox fantasies in cubicle-land.
The Collector The Collector is the kind of guy who keeps the iPod toting graphic designer in marketing from losing his job. This dickheads favorite line is Send me some literature. I keep a file over here for vendors, and if I have a need, Ill be sure to give you a call. Translation: Send me some literature with bullshit phrases like Integrating silos of knowledge to create value-added processes. Ill look at it for about three seconds and then toss it in my filing cabinet (trash can), and youll never hear from me again. When I first started out in sales, I naively believed that the Collector was my ticket to easy street. The real road to easy street would have been walking out the door and avoiding the last five years of dealing with a bunch of assholes.
Vato Posted: 8/12/2005by: Vato Hey Mikey - Go scratch. Are you one of the knob hobbers under the desk? AE Posted: 8/11/2005by: Dickie Chris, you are my new hero! I could never have put into words what you wrote. This is absolutely awesome and totally accurate! YOU RULE! Thank you for the grims and giggles. Slurrrrrrper Posted: 8/10/2005by: Inside Software Sales Rep I have the best inside sales job in the world...I sit here and make a few calls while my field sales rep closes the deals that I get paid on. How about that? How big is your straw? Slurrp your way to the top like me. Mikey I like rainbows... Posted: 7/21/2005by: Bryant Don't you? I'm Gay Posted: 7/21/2005by: Bryant I'm gay, are you???? I fell for ya Posted: 7/8/2005by: Dame Ragnall I had a telemarketing job at a small town newspaper. You want to know pressure? Just ask the person who took over for me when I finally quit and was tired of the piddly commission, internal politics, and the small amount of businesses I had to rely on for a sale! The fucktards at the head of their businesses don't unerstand that when you don't get their sale, you don't get a fucking pay cheque! It isn't advice Posted: 6/27/2005by: J Styles I feel for this guy; I too have a simular gig and was able to know first hand of all the types of people mentioned. But this was more of a thriptuic sigh and/or release.
To that author: Start drinking, drink so much that you are not able to really determ who is who. In your example, "Collector" type send him copies of cnn new reports; add value to your day with a drink and laugh. He if really was interested then he will call you back. "Hm... you send me an artical about Mr Jackson spending more time visiting all boy' schools".
See this one act will make it so you can laugh everything off an really not give a shit what happens.... oh yea you might never be put in as a manager.. but who cares about those pricks. Relax Posted: 6/25/2005by: Take it easy I think you're going over the edge there tyrone. I think Jim originally expected his comment to be a form of motivation, but it got lost in translation through the bashing. He never pointed his finger and laughed at anyone for having a menial sales position as a starting point in a career. He could have used a little more tact in his postings, but if I had started from the bottom and made it to the top I would be an arrogant bastard as well. Too Bad Posted: 6/24/2005by: Tyrone It's a shame that the drunk driver's missed you, Jimbo. Lucky for us! If he hadn't missed, we wouldn't have all these fucking buildings with empty offices and commercial real estate signs by the highway cluttering up the landscape.
Eat a dick, Jimbo. Eat a.
Optimize, Jim Posted: 6/24/2005by: Lester Jimbo, you should consider taking advantage of some synergies, exploiting the nexus between consumer wants and
God, I can't even make this shit up. How can you?
No self-made man worth millions before he's 40 spends time on this website. Just don't happen, my friend. If you'll excuse me, my mom (it's OK, Jim, we're in the same "boat") just yelled down that it's time for dinner.
