Every other Friday, resident Marine & entertainment reviewer, Joaquim Harold “Napalm” Jones, Gy. Sgt. USMC (Ret.) , takes a look at the shit flung on screens and out of stereos.
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(continued)
Shit I just realized I don't get paid for this either. But I had already written these, so consider yourselves lucky.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Kevin Bacon is trying to channel Charles Bronson in the worst revenge movie since Make Them Die Slowly? Why? Because the guy who made Saw said so. And in the movie world that is the equivalent Google Fuck You Money. But honestly in spite of whatever James Wan did to help Carey Elwes live down Robin Hood: Men In Tights, this flick is worse than a Michael Dudikoff ninja movie. The gratuitous violence is so plotless, even I have trouble watching it. The sad thing is that Death Sentence might have been a good idea if it actually harnessed the raw revenge goodness of the original Bronson classic. But instead it falls nearer to the realm of the unintentionally hilarious Death Wish 5: The Face Of Death. In fact this movie might be more along the lines of Trancers 6: Life After Deth than any self respecting homage.
However, I thought for sure I was saved when I heard that Jodie Foster also had a revenge movie coming out. I couldn't help but think "Damn, it's about time they made a sequel to The Accused". But I was just as wrong as when I thought Flowers in The Attic was the sequel to The Diary Of Anne Frank. But unlike the Wan/Bacon bloodfest, at least The Brave One is an actual film. Jodie "Chickapea" Foster slowly loses her shit after that Sayid guy from "Lost" gets killed (In the movie not on the show, because if they kill Sayid, I'll be pretty pissed, but not as pissed as if they kill off anymore hot chicks). And speaking of sequels that don't exist yet, when is there gonna be another Pootie Tang movie? Jodie Foster could even be in it. Pootie 2: Nell's Revenge. "I'm gonna sibbetow on yo chickapow. Can't wait to see that one. What was I saying? Oh yeah, so Foster decides to start "protecting" herself by luring in the seedy types and busting a cap in their asses after her brown sugar daddy bites it. Until, Terrence Howard comes along and threatens to "whoop that trick", by tracking down the city's new underground icon vigilante. What frightens me about this movie is not a woman on a self exploration of her inner violence, but how scary it is to see a person that is the spitting image of Lenny Kravitz crossed with Lisa Bonet. Look carefully at the picture and tell me Zoe Kravitz doesn't make you slightly queasy and bizarrely fascinated at the same time. I keep hearing "Mr. Cab Driver" in my head while images flash across my eyes of Mocha Huxtable's bare breast being cover in chicken blood. Regardless Death Sentence scores a negative 2 and The Brave One gets about a 3 ½ which added together gets you the classic 1 severed ear and a testicle rating.
After making Halle Berry "feel good", I guess Billy Bob Thornton is one of the few guys I can accept being called "woodcock" but that's about where the fun stops. Did anyone laugh once during Pushing Tin? Did anyone even see School For Scoundrels? A picture of Jesus giving head to Matthew is less offensive than the script for Bandits. Yet Billy Bob Thornton keeps making comedies. He played a great retard once and even a decent President, but his comedies suck like a Flowbee. At least I half heartedly chuckled at Stiffler, and I never sent back the copy of Dude Where's My Car that Columbia House sent me because you never know when an eighth of the hindu kush might subliminally force you to watch it. So, basically I can accept Sean William Scott in another crappy comedy. But Billy Bob needs to get over being dumped by the female Jonathan Rhys Meyers and start making serious movies again. This evil gym teacher dating your mom shtick is tired. It's Bad Santa with tube socks. I'd ride shotgun with Nick Bollea if it would keep me form ever having to see Thorton in another comedy.
I love sex on tv as much as the next guy, but I prefer mine to be in the Jenna Haze / Taylor Rain variety of pretty nineteen year olds who keep asking to be violated in the cutest way. Also known as a fantasy. I know what you're thinking. Those chicks aren't nineteen anymore. Well thanks to the magic of video and our friends over at qmov.com, they will always be nineteen when I need them to be. And in my mind I'm still nineteen too, just back from my first tour ready to fuck anything that doesn't look like a red handkerchief or a Thai hooker. What I don't want to see on my tv however, is the same kind of hairy ass crack, whining girlfriend, roll over, fart and go to sleep kind of sex that I can get at home.
Everything about this show is just too real. Psycho fiancé starts a fight because she thinks he'll cheat on her just because he said that other women besides her are attractive. Husband waits until his wife gets in the shower to rub his jiz kit into a Puffs palace. Wife talks shit to therapist behind husband's back and sends husband the bill. Wife gives husband a handjob while watching boxing. Okay wait that last one should fall definitely fall into the fantasy category. But with no music, flapping ball sacks, and chafingly dry palm on skin sounds, that scene just like all the others falls right back into the too realistic realm. Maybe old women do give their husband's wrinkled popes the twist during a bj, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to see it. I like my filmed fucking to stay in the Grand Theft Anal ball park, not a tv show that is more suited to health class as a sex education video. If I want reality I'll just go watch another episode of "Scott Baio Is 45...and Single" not an hour long HBO drama. Sadly I still have to give the show at least a halfway decent rating because every single character got naked. Which also means I'll probably watch the show again next week too. I can't help it. I am a sucker for areola.
1. Take the Napalm 101 test and fill in the blanks in the review from the intro. Here it is again for you lazy troglodytes who don't want to click the back button to cut and paste.
Watching (overpaid actor) is like (riculous metaphor). I would rather (verb) (hot starlet's name with fake nickname inserted) with (any male comenter's) (penile euphemism) than see (overpaid actor) (verb) her on film. And if you don't agree with that I will (describe an overtly violent way to kill another person without using an actual weapon). (Descriptive alliteration)(obscure pop culture reference)(curse word). (Offensive religious slander), I have never wanted to (wild card- insert any activity of your choice) so much in my life. But since I can't I guess I will have to wait for the sequel and hope that (insert shitty director) learns how to light (hot starlet's)(vaginal euphemism) so that I don't just see (overpaid actor's) (adjective) (body part) (verb-ing) her (body part) for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home and watched (80's tv show) and seen better (body part) than that.
2. Caption This
3. Who is the biggest idiot of the summer Michael Vick, Pacman Jones, Lindsay Lohan, The Cleveland Browns, Larry Criag or Jeff Golblum? I know Jeff Goldblum hasn't done anything stupid yet, but it's only a matter of time. If you don't like those choices pick your own and tell me why.
1) thats just too much work at this time of day. Either I will do it later or just sit here and get a kick out of everyone elses down the road. looks fun though.
2)Caption: Hollywood has just ruined GI Joe the movie...
...and now I'm pissed.
3) those are tough choices there. I will say ME. somehow I have managed to miss every chance possible to engage in Fantasy Football at this point. Now thats stupid. The only shot I have is to create a league involving the goobers down the hall. This pain will be felt until January. this sucks. I'm an idiot.
Posts: 1055 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 9/7/2007 9:00:42 AM
and congrats on the hundo, nape. sorry i missed it. you aren't giving the keys to the condo away because you're retiring are you? that would ruin every other friday for me.
Q&A 1. good luck chuck Watching (dane cook) is like (watching a monkey fuck a football). I would rather (fingerbang) (hayden "remember my titan" panaterre) with (spartanyan's) (big montana) than see (dane "myspace" cook) (exist) with jessica alba on film. And if you don't agree with that I will (perform a colonoscopy on you with a hedge trimmer). (holy hot hair-pie)(turbo & ozone)(fuck). (Like priests on a playground), I have never wanted to (stab a guy in the face) so much in my life. But since I can't I guess I will have to wait for the sequel and hope that (insert shitty director-arent they all?) learns how to light (jessica "dark angel" alba's)(dave cave) so that I don't just see (Dane's) (stupid) (face) (tongue-bathing) her ("honey" comb) for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home and watched (gimme a break reruns) and seen better (cleavage) than that.
2. "who's the master? sho-nuff." (is there any other caption available?)
3. vick - pissed it away. what a dummy. own up to it, say yeah i fucked up & move on. not "well i was funding the whole operation & gambling monies but never gambled" - come on, buddy.
Thank God they exposed the to catch a preditor.
()
Post #: 3
Posts: 447 Rank: 19 Joined:
8/5/2007
Location:
La Crosse, WI
Posted: 9/7/2007 9:07:10 AM
I was getting nervious and almost quit meeting Juviniles for sex.
Watching George Clooney is like a colonoscopy. I would rather Ream Jesica Biel's Ass with Spartans' Mop than see Cloony "Mop" her on film. And if you don't agree with that I will Monkey Stomp your ass. Flying your plane Solo, Hand Solo Muther fucker. Scientology Bithc, I have never wanted to give away 60% of my income to Pray to a Novelist's Ideas other than a Playboy Forum so much in my life. But since I can't guess I'll have to wait for the sequel and hope that Lucus learns how to Light Biel's Cock muffin so that I don't just see Clooney's witherd dong buttering her muffin for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home and watched Falcon Crest and seen better Bootie than that.
TMan and his gang of Digger, DC and thier Hoes are here to Wrastle.
There are seveal TPP Writers who have been calling it in this summer, and I'd like to Thank Napalm for not. Those writers are all Idiots.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 9/7/2007 9:12:41 AM
Sorry to be off topic on one of Napalm's boards, but I gotta share this. A manager here at work asks me to have someone'e desk packed up and brought up to HR. This was all supposed to be confidential and done exactly at noon. Yes, you guessed it, someone is getting fired today and just liek the movie "Office Space" it looks like they prefer to do it on a Friday. So, I ask give the details to the facilities department with the instructions to have someone come at noon. What's supposed to happen is that he gets taken up to HR for whatever goes down when we fire someone around 11 while his stuff gets packed up at noon and then brouhgt up to him. Well, they ignore all that and someone just shows up at the guy's desk around 8:30 with a box for his stuff and a copy of the request form that I filled out while he thinks he's doing a typical day's work. He's wondering if he's moving to a differnet floor or something and his manager has to run out of a meeting to come and tell the guy he's getting fired. Have a great weekend, buddy! And somehow this is going to get put on me.
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 9/7/2007 9:43:48 AM
1.Seriously Napalm if my boss gave me an assignment that time consuming i'd walk the fuck out and i actually get paid when i do the boss's bullshit there isn't a chance that i'm spending that much fucking time, i'm not funny or clever either unless i'm pissed (Vert) so it would suck if i tried 'cause right now i'm hung over not pissed. I think i was pissed last night and took it out on some new guy, see yesterday's board. 2. Farooc returns to the WWE at the age of 74, reforms "Nation of Domination" and wins hardcore title. 3. Christine - All those "sick" days are going to catch up to you in your review.
Posts: 1265 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 9/7/2007 9:54:45 AM
Catfish - I was going to berate you for not performing Napalm #1 today but i didn't either so your off the hook.
Duece - (why can't i ever spell that correct?) - You always bring it, I still might think that you're Napalm.
Evil Frank - Napalm gave you the fucking formula and you proceed to puke up some of the most incomprehensible dribble since Antony left us. So I"m going to assume that was your goal at that you failed. You were 1,352 words short and 735 curse words too short.
Balls - If you aint man enough to be responsible for somebody losing their job change your name to something a little more feminane like, gash.
Posts: 134 Rank: 14 Joined:
5/11/2007
Location:
St. Louis, MO
Posted: 9/7/2007 10:17:32 AM
1. Watching Colin Farrell is like trying to beat off with sandpaper. I would rather rub Bridget "Demon Seed Incubator" Moynahan with 7 Crown's flaccid shame than see Farrel hump her on film. And if you don't agree with that I will grill your feet with a blow torch and scrape them with golf cleats until they look like hamburger. Peter Piper picked a peck of I want my two dollars back, pussy. Starving Mahatma Gandhi choking to death on a saltine, I have never wanted to punch a kitten in the face so much in my life. But since I can't, I guess I will have to wait for the sequel and hope that Roger Donaldson learns how to light Moynahan's gamy meat curtains so that I don't just see Farrell's pasty white ass humping her leg for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home and watched Punky Brewster and seen better ass than that.
2. I agree with deuce, there is only one answer. "Sho-nuff', the Shogun of Harlem!"
3. Vick. I just want to let it go, but it keeps dragging me back in! I could give a fuck about the dogs; I never really liked him as a quarterback.
Posts: 1153 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 9/7/2007 10:18:37 AM
Great stuff Napalm, at least you haven't left us...yet.
1. Maybe later
2. "Hey guys, do you think this belt clashes with my spandex?"
3. How can anyone be voted a bigger loser/idiot than Michael Vick at this point in time. Although I bet the people who drafted Brees might be feeling this way right about now.
Posts: 2891 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/7/2007 10:24:58 AM
First, I'm a little upset that Napalm shared his formula with us. I would never even want to try to do what he does, but now that I know the secret, it seems less phenomenal.
Having said that, this article was one of your best. I know, I'm a walking contradiction. Some thoughts:
Sayid is hot. No one is better than Terrence Howard. I can't believe you, who prides himself on being at least 98% heterosexual, has seen pushing tin.
1. Watching (Bill Paxton) is like (ironing my clit). I would rather (stab) (Charlize "pointy tits" Theron) with (Deuce's) (light sabre) than see (Bill Paxton) (crunch) her on film. And if you don't agree with that I will (gnaw out your eyeballs while twisting your nut sac until you beg for me to break your neck with my She-Ra thighs). (shit sniffing shaft sucking)(donnie darko)(fuckwads). (Christ on a pork greased cross), I have never wanted to (blow my dad) so much in my life. But since I can't I guess I will have to wait for the sequel and hope that (chris columbus) learns how to light (Charlize's)(fuschia hallway) so that I don't just see (fucking Paxton's) (moldy) (pelvis) (humping) her (belly button) for five whole minutes. I could've stayed at home and watched (Blossom) and seen better (nose) than that.
2. "Hey Toque! We made it! Where's our table?"
3. I'll go with Goldblum. He's so washed up he's probably reading this and will pruposely do something. HI Jeff!
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Kevin Bacon is trying to channel Charles Bronson in the worst revenge movie since Make Them Die Slowly? Why? Because the guy who made Saw said so. And in the movie world that is the equivalent Google Fuck You Money. But honestly in spite of whatever James Wan did to help Carey Elwes live down Robin Hood: Men In Tights, this flick is worse than a Michael Dudikoff ninja movie. The gratuitous violence is so plotless, even I have trouble watching it. The sad thing is that Death Sentence might have been a good idea if it actually harnessed the raw revenge goodness of the original Bronson classic. But instead it falls nearer to the realm of the unintentionally hilarious Death Wish 5: The Face Of Death. In fact this movie might be more along the lines of Trancers 6: Life After Deth than any self respecting homage. 
but how scary it is to see a person that is the spitting image of Lenny Kravitz crossed with Lisa Bonet. Look carefully at the picture and tell me Zoe Kravitz doesn't make you slightly queasy and bizarrely fascinated at the same time. I keep hearing "Mr. Cab Driver" in my head while images flash across my eyes of Mocha Huxtable's bare breast being cover in chicken blood. Regardless Death Sentence scores a negative 2 and The Brave One gets about a 3 ½ which added together gets you the classic 1 severed ear and a testicle rating.
After making Halle Berry "feel good", I guess Billy Bob Thornton is one of the few guys I can accept being called "woodcock" but that's about where the fun stops. Did anyone laugh once during Pushing Tin? Did anyone even see School For Scoundrels? A picture of Jesus giving head to Matthew is less offensive than the script for Bandits. Yet Billy Bob Thornton keeps making comedies. He played a great retard once and even a decent President, but his comedies suck like a Flowbee. At least I half heartedly chuckled at Stiffler, and I never sent back the copy of Dude Where's My Car that Columbia House sent me because you never know when an eighth of the hindu kush might subliminally force you to watch it. So, basically I can accept Sean William Scott in another crappy comedy. But Billy Bob needs to get over being dumped by the female Jonathan Rhys Meyers and start making serious movies again. This evil gym teacher dating your mom shtick is tired. It's Bad Santa with tube socks. I'd ride shotgun with Nick Bollea if it would keep me form ever having to see Thorton in another comedy.
