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There is a great American tradition amongst young men that defies all logic and common sense. The very notion of it is absurd at almost every conceivable level, yet it continues to occur over and over again. What is it I am speaking of? The house party.
When you really examine it, the idea is preposterous. You open up your home to countless strangers, who at best are friends of friends of acquaintances, offer them a plentiful supply of alcohol and instruct them to “make themselves at home”. Wow, what a great idea! What could possibly go wrong? Well, plenty, but we’re not here to judge. No, we’ll seek only to point out the possible consequences and let the reader come to their own conclusions.
The house party is an interesting phenomenon. As the host your “success” is measured by the sheer amount of attendees and how “crazy” the party got. If it takes more than three minutes to maneuver your way through the sea of bodies in your kitchen you’re on the right track.
The host is traditionally a collection of “dudes” that occupy the home. In most cases nationwide the home is limited in the amount of furniture, general décor and functional plumbing. It is almost always rented and typically suffers from varying degrees of dilapidation.
In order to properly analyze the house party, we will be breaking it down into three parts. The Pre-Party, The Rager and The Aftermath. The following will be told as a story, highlighting the particulars common in nearly all house parties nationwide.
THE PRE-PARTY
Once the place has been cleaned up, which means some of the clothes have been removed from the floor, the keg arrives. In most cases this occurs roughly three hours before sunset, although in the northern states during the summer months this can be stretched to nearly six hours. At this point a few more “dudes” will arrive to assist in the tapping of the keg. This will be the last time everyone in the house knows each other by name.
Slowly people will begin to trickle in. Typically, one “dude” will obtain either a pitcher or a plastic milk gallon container and fill it with beer for his own consumption. This “dude” will appear two hours later with an empty twelve-pack box of Natural Light on his head and declare he is the “king” and the box his “crown”. Before sunset he will pass out in the backyard, usually in close proximity to an anthill.
Nervous anticipation will soon fill the room. The self-worth of the “dudes” is riding on the “success” of the party. Much like the movie industry in which a poor opening weekend leads to limited word of mouth and inevitably failure, the early turnout can make or break a house party, especially in the age of the cell phone.
The “dude” to “chick” ratio will slowly improve but still fall far below the standard required for the party to be considered a “success”. The rest of The Pre-Party will hinge on the arrival of an SUV full of “chicks” that promised one of the “dudes” they would come early. They will eventually show up, but well after sunset. In the meanwhile it is decided to give some beer to the dog.
The sun sets and the keg is now able to pour more than just a cup full of foam. Buzzes are obtained by the pre-partiers as the trickle of attendees morphs into a steady flow. The Pre-Party, like a caterpillar in a cocoon, is nearly ready to transform into The Rager.
THE RAGER
The first shout of “Whoo!” is heard from somewhere in the direction of the keg. This instinctual announcement signifies the official beginning of the house party. Somewhere someone turns up the stereo, people chat louder over the music and the overall noise level instantly clicks up a few decibels.
Various people begin to inquire things like “Whose pad is this?” and “Where’s the cups?” The “dude” to “chick” ratio, while far from 1:1 has settled around a respectable 2:1 where it will remain until around 1:30am.
Various personality types will show their faces throughout this portion of the night. They are documented as follows:
The Destroyer – This guy is usually someone’s cousin who is just in town visiting and thus has absolutely no reason not to violently remove a load-bearing leg of the patio roof. He will do so to the delight of all around him (at least those not struck by the debris) and will be fortunate that the “dudes” who live in the house are currently too drunk to be upset about the damage.
Yeah you did!
The Whore – Short on looks and personality but full of alcohol, this attendee expresses her low self-esteem by throwing herself at anything with a penis. Early in the evening her efforts will return little or no payoff but eventually she will encounter an equally drunk and desperate partner to disappear into a closet with. Beware late night encounters with her as she tends to skip “wash” and “rinse” by moving straight forward into the “repeat” phase.
The Alpha-Male – This guy feels the need to assert his dominance in the presence of such a large crowd. He has spent long hours in the gym preparing for moments like this and with the proper amount of alcohol and Androstene in his body he becomes as unstable as one of Jennifer Lopez’s marriages. Avoid any incidental contact with him and be aware that even the smallest drop of beer on his shirt will lead to fisticuffs.
The Pussy-Getter – This guy will make advances at every girl in the party. He maintains his edge by consuming no more than one beer per hour and plans his moves like a chess player. While he may end up sleeping with one of the “chicks” it is worth mentioning that it is meaningless and unsatisfying to him because it doesn’t change the fact that his mother isn’t particularly fond of him.
The Drunk Chick – Different from The Whore in that she doesn’t make sexual advances in her inebriated state. Instead she becomes the most annoying person in the history of the world. She stands right in your face, often unable to control small drops of spit that project from her mouth as she speaks. In many cases she will be reduced to tears when talking about how much she loves her new pussycat. Beware however, for if you make any sexual advance whatsoever, her memory becomes laser sharp and you’ll find yourself explaining the conversation you had about her “pussy” in front of a judge.
The Fall Guy – Irresponsibility and multiple keg stands will lead to this crowd favorite. With no notice whatsoever The Fall Guy, usually with cup in hand, will simply become unable to compete with the force of gravity. Usually there will be a vein effort to recollect his balance resulting in a comical stumble, followed immediately by a high-impact collision with the floor. Amazingly, he often manages to avoid spilling a single drop of beer. The same cannot be said about his blood.
The aforementioned are just a few of the personality types that will be encountered at the average house party (note the 2:1 ratio). While there are others that warrant mention, we’ve got to keep it moving so we’ll skip ahead to the midnight hour.
At this point, arrivals and departures are at about an equal rate, keeping the party going strong. Most of the vomiting has occurred outside the walls of the house and while the keg is starting to float, responsible new arrivals have brought twelvers in anticipation of such a problem.
The party rolls on, the home sustains continued incidents of both major and minor damage and the police arrive for the second time. Once the “dudes” have been sternly warned by the officers they begin to plead with the masses to wrap it up. At this point The Rager is officially over.
THE AFTERMATH
The Rager evolves into a small gathering of friends and strangers with one common goal- finish all the beer that remained. Despite a solid effort that includes three attendees pounding beers at sunrise, unopened cans remain when they finally declare they cannot take anymore.
Passed out bodies are scattered around the floor and as the morning light comes in, like a scene from Dawn of the Dead, they slowly get up and find their way out of the house. The “dudes” arise and begin to slowly survey the damage of the “success” that was their house party.
Evidence of a small fire in the living room is discovered. It appears one of the curtains had caught fire and was put out by a can of Hamms. Based on the odor it is also theorized that the final flames may have been extinguished by urine.
The kitchen floor, once only off-white is now officially black. Shoe prints made by a grimy combination of dust, beer and possibly vomit cover the peel-and-stick linoleum.
An “upper-decker” is discovered in the tank of the toilet.
It is clear that at least one if not all of the beds in the house were used for casual sex at some point based on white, crusty stains found near the mid-section of the bedsheets. It is agreed by the “dudes” that they will all pitch in and have their beddings professionally cleaned.
An inventory is done and the following items are reported missing: Lynard Skynard Gold & Platinum double disc, a high school yearbook, one bottle of Hugo Boss cologne, Old School – Unrated Version DVD, Jackass the Movie DVD, two steak knives, approximately $7 in change from an ashtray, one VHS copy of Seducing Celeste pornographic movie, a leather jacket and one novelty Budweiser neon light.
Despite the heavy losses and massive damage to the house the “dudes” agree that the party was “sweet” and deem the previous night a “success”.
A pact is made to host another party the following weekend.
"Evidence of a small fire in the living room is discovered. It appears one of the curtains had caught fire and was put out by a can of Hamms. Based on the odor it is also theorized that the final flames may have been extinguished by urine."
so true, especially the final sentence. hilarious.
Kiley
Funny
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Posted: 11/8/2005 9:29:12 AM
Great article. The house party drinking games are a prerequisite to ensuing shananigans too...
-on another note, I saw Big Ed in a Nokia commercial last night. Nice.
Eric
stealth attack!!
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Posted: 11/8/2005 9:32:45 AM
The upper deck is such a bastard thing to do to someone, but that doesn't make it any less hilarious as long as you are not the Upper Deck-ee.
deuce
the fall guy
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Posted: 11/8/2005 9:37:54 AM
its nice to have a title. my proudest moment in life involved me falling into a pool and upon surfacing hearing "congrats dickhead, you didnt spill a drop" to which i responded, "i'm the best"
great article scott.
BQ
Good Stuff
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Posted: 11/8/2005 9:41:03 AM
Nothing like a good house party!
Alex
Big Ed
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Posted: 11/8/2005 11:20:26 AM
I caught that commercial last night, too. I was confused at first, but it was pretty cool to see.
Jato
All Mine
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Posted: 11/8/2005 11:32:58 AM
I was there and I m keeping the neon sign. Great article!
Christine
Awww
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Posted: 11/8/2005 11:35:29 AM
I am definitely the drunk chick. I don't spit or cry, but I talk and talk. At one party, this guy was like," WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP???" I did for like a minute. At the same party, the guys put soap powder and water all over the hard wood floors and played fumble-itis and slip and slide. Someone slid me into the banister and I broke a piece off with my head. It was the greatest night of my life. . . .seriously.
Max
christine
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Posted: 11/8/2005 12:25:19 PM
That makes perfect sense -- from your commenter performance I totally see you as the drunk chick... now take one of these Jager shots and join me in this closet.
PNP
Congrats
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Posted: 11/8/2005 1:10:55 PM
Another amusing article to make the time pass more quickly at my soulless desk job. Please keep up the good work; the sanity of paper-pushers the world over depend on it.
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