As the holidays approach, most of us are trying to decide on a positive way to improve ourselves for the upcoming year. My advice to you is to keep it simple when deciding on a New Year's resolution. After all, you don't want to dissapoint yourself. For example, this year my resolution is to stop flushing the toilet at the exact second a stream of urine exits my pee hole. This is a race I cannot win and it can't be good for my prostate. Besides, it's a waste of water, which means I have to pay more for it. Anywho, I have come up with a list of "Do's and Don't's" to serve as a general guideline to assist and enlighten you on the road to self-improvement as you rifle through your annual self-evaluation.
"Don't's"
1. Quit Smoking. Spare me this bullshit. The only thing you need to quit is "kidding yourself". Chances are that two minutes after the ball drops in Times Square you will already be on your third cancer stick. Same goes if drinking is your vice. Both are way too hard to quit. Trust me, I've tried. Unless "a shitty year" was at the top of your Christmas list, I advise you to continue smoking and drinking. It will help you cope with the certain failures and disappointments ahead of you in the coming year.
2. Exercise more. Give me a fucking break. I'll bet the house that you only start diets on Mondays too. If this is your resolution then it is probably genetically impossible for you to be good-looking. Be thankful that you only have three chins and can still see your genitals if you lean over really far in the shower.
3. Give back to your community. For the love of Smokey Robinson, spare me this load of crap. I guarantee you that you will be the same greedy bastard in 2006 that you have been your entire life. You are only allowed this one if your idea of philanthropy is tipping your cab driver in pesos.
4. Be more sensitive (guys and bulldykes only). This one is absolutely fucking impossible. Honestly, when was the last time you made it through a holiday, anniversary, or even a first date for Christ's sake, without tears being shed for what I consider "no apparent reason". Women are weak. Unlike us, they have feelings, needs, worries, and an unpredictable hormone cycle that will make want to give yourself a vasectomy.
Blood of Christ, Bread of heaven...
"Do's"
1. Vote. This is an obvious "go to" resolution for people that are already "perfect". You only have to do it every two to four years, so technically you can go an entire decade without even noticing your inherent flaws. Plus, you get bonus points if your candidate loses. Everytime something in this country goes wrong, all you have to do is say "Hey I did my part, it's not my fault". Also, it makes people that didn't vote feel bad.
2. Pay taxes. Works well for people with actual jobs. Not recommended for drug dealers and children. You only have to do it once a year and when you get your returns, you can pretend it's "free money" and blow it on drugs and booze without feeling guilty.
Chesnuts roasting on an open fire.
3. Get a flu shot. Again, once a year. Unless you enjoy the taste of snot this one is automatic. Plus, you can point out to your friends and family who spend their holiday sick that you had the foresight to spread cheer and not be miserable. They will remember your brilliance and compliment you for having common sense.
4. Go to church on Christmas Eve. Get it over with. See a pattern here, once a year. Mothers and grandmothers will start gossipping to nieces and grandchildren about your good looks and manners. Even if you look like Rocky from the movie "Mask", your chances of getting laid just went up. People are desperate and horny around the holidays. It's a great atmosphere to showcase your "singleness". You will quickly be labeled as eligible and fuckable, since everyone else is taken or in rehab. Plus, odds are there will be no real church service. Just a Christmas play starring a bunch of mongloids dressed as sheep and shepherds singing some shitty carols. Not much to ask for a nice piece of ass.
These are just a few suggestions for those of you struggling to find something wrong with yourself.
Dammit Posted: 11/18/2005by: Chad North Pole Fuck you, man. That picture of "Rocky" made me laugh my ass off and now I'm going to Hell for sure. Fucking bastard. Psycho-T Posted: 11/17/2005by: Worth Amen stinkfinger. This year I giving up caring. Should be easy. dfgfd Posted: 11/17/2005by: fsrfas christine is not that hot. Account Executive Posted: 11/17/2005by: Joshua This article was average at best. One one lone bright spot was the pic from the "All Hoff all the time 2005" calender. BRILLIANT! Money Posted: 11/17/2005by: valle Simply Money. Whatever happned to it? Posted: 11/17/2005by: matt I mean what like 5 years ago no problem finding t, even in bumfuck VA, but now I have't heard of it anywhere. Not like I need it, but I want the choice. Seriously Posted: 11/17/2005by: Christine I have to go after this, but I couldn't resist.
Another good acid story was the time me and my friends took a few tabs called "frogs" and we went to Veterans Stadium to see none other than PInk fucking Floyd. It was there last tour and we had to go, but no tickets. So we went up to the ticket guy at the gates and just rushed past him as fast as we could. We hade to run to the 7th level and by that time they stopped chasing. We even secured some seats. Then my friend Keenan set off fireworks. It was awesome. GOD i miss acid Jesus Posted: 11/17/2005by: matt I can't spell and when I do my word choice is extremely wrong-well fuckj it I am typing fast anyways. I blame the acid Well Posted: 11/17/2005by: Christine Goodluck with the radiation jargon. I am a little German too, but still have no idea what any of those terms mean. And I fancy myself quite an astute lexicon.
I am out of here finally. Have a pleasant evening.
Goodnight everyone else. . . .. .. Except Eugene. Mine had to be Posted: 11/17/2005by: matt when in middle school we broke into the highscool and skated around pillaging the place of football equipment vending machine snacks, and a wrestling dummy (who at the time I remember being extremly heavy) when the cops showed we through the dummy off the roof with football helmet on and bolted like crazy. Suffice to say I was scared shitless for a few weeks, never got caught though. Christine-good story acid and muzement park always a good combo
