At some point during the past eighteen months the definition of the word "casual" has been left open to interpretation regarding proper wedding attire. "Casual", as I understood it, meant "free from tension and inhibition", or more importantly, 'just tuck in your goddamn shirt'. Here are a few examples of the rising level of stupidity among non-retarded Americans...
1.) "Dressy Casual": This is my favorite one because it defies all logic. It might as well be called "just ask someone with a vagina what the fuck you're supposed to wear casual." Honestly, this oxymoron is beyond comprehension and I'm almost positive the groom would rather be a midget on Tall Day than spend the week before his penis funeral fielding questions about what his friends need to wear. Be a little less vague unless you want me to super-size my buzz accordingly and show up "Messy Casual" complete with grass and vomit stains.
2.) "Country Club Casual": Okay, I am aware that your grandmother is paying for the wedding and that your father is fond of golf, but this doesn't help me out one bit as a lifelong "guest" at country clubs. I only have one suit and I'm pretty sure you don't want me to wear it both nights (see "messy casual.")
3.) "Smart Casual": Again, this one sounds stuffy and usually after arriving at a "smart casual" event it becomes abundantly clear that I should have regretted citing I have made an error, not in judgement but in friendship. Most of the people at "smart casuals" are over the age of 65, and you will spend the majority of your time engaging in conversations that are more awkward than the time you walked in on your roomate "feeding his pigeons" to a Bowflex infomercial at two in the morning. Unless you enjoy answering questions like "when are you going to get married?" and being told constantly that you look just like your father (who was "smart" enough to stay home) then I'd suggest calling in sick with an extremely contagious full body rash.
4.) "Cocktail Casual": Alright, finally a "casual" I can wrap my buzz around... lots of young people with high blood alcohol levels. There will be an adundance of canned beer stationed poolside that you are allowed to help yourself to rather than wait in line for 20 minutes with your ex-girlfriend's father. If you're lucky there will be a bluegrass band and/or coke dealer in attendance... always a good sign of what's to come for the big day.
5.) "Beach Casual": Also known as "cocktail casual's" popular big brother due to the hint of "casual" sex. This means wear whatever you want just as long as there's not much of it. Example, I attended my cousin's "beach casual" rehearsal dinner in Key West and arrived in time to discover my mother dancing with a gay man wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and loin cloth made of half-eaten apple cores. As frightening as this image is, it was still the most fun I've ever had with my shirt off.
A hearty thanks to everyone who got those invitations out early this wedding season... this way I have an entire month to be confused.
buenos tardes Posted: 8/16/2006by: Los Angeles vans and dickies with a white t, leaving the dodger hat in the car is dressy casual, but if it's new you can wear it inside Q for christine/ pic mystery Posted: 8/10/2006by: author We were all on acid. how did you know Christine...? (Left to Right... Dom Mustache aka "The Breath", Larry "Mac and Cheese" Farley, and yours truly as the heisman on LSD...) Find an Excuse Posted: 8/10/2006by: Lame-oid How about "I can't fucking make it" casual? Is that casual enough for the newlyweds? What a way to screw up a perfectly good weekend. I'd rather visit someone in intensive care than go to a wedding. If they are in a coma you don't even have to bother with a gift. They won't know that you stiffed them until they wake up, and by that time they are too relieved that they didn't die to be pissed at you. What exactly Posted: 8/10/2006by: Tangent Guy is going on in the second pic? Is the bride drinking directly from the keg spigot? Nice warmup for the evening! supersize my buzz Posted: 8/10/2006by: bob sweet. if you do the wedding right Posted: 8/10/2006by: deuce everything ends up "messy casual"
nothing like showing up to the tux rental place on monday with nothing but a shoe and a cummerbund, throwing the cashier a "shooter" and a wink and saying "its ok, i got the insurance.." DC Posted: 8/10/2006by: Christine HA!! I am pissing myself right now. And the dude on the right has a bit of a boner. First pic Posted: 8/10/2006by: Doosh Is the guy on the right the geeky friend from Bachelor Party? 1st pic Posted: 8/10/2006by: dc the dude on the left has legs growing out of his elbow. Freaky! I roffled at Posted: 8/10/2006by: Fat D "feeding his pigeons"
