This holiday season I've decided to give the gift that keeps on giving... self-doubt. It's high time that my family, friends, and even the general public know what I really think of them. So everyone get ready for an old-fashioned scoop of the truth. Here is a list of my holiday grievances:
1. "... For Dummies" books. I was in the bookstore the other day and thought to myself how absolutely fucking embarrassing it must be to purchase one of these and admit that by definition you were born with fewer chromosomes than the rest of us. A light bulb went off in my head and now my Christmas shopping is complete. Mom and Dad will be receiving "Livers For Dummies", my sister is getting "Puppies For Dummies", and last but not least, my former best friend Steve will be unwrapping "How To Keep Your Dick Out of Your Best Friend's Girlfriend For Dummies".
2. Black drivers. Let me first point out that I am not racist. It is a fact that black people cannot fucking drive. They have no idea how long the hood of their car is and usually stick it out a good four feet farther than it should be, but not before pulling out in front of you anyways. I make a conscious effort to look in my rearview mirror, after spilling hot coffee on my genitals, to see if they could have waited. Ninety-nine percent of the time the answer to that question is "you're goddammed right". That kid on the skateboard four hundred meters back would have been a much safer candidate to almost kill. Don't even get me started on the stuffed animal collection in the back windshield. What is this? Are they advertising their previous night's success at the county fair?
3. Chain emails that encourage me to pass along a prayer or else I am going to be simultaneously be struck by lightning, attacked by a shark, and sodomized by a yeti on PCP riding a unicorn. This shit makes me want to throw up in my mouth and that is the kind of enthusiasm I generally reserve for people who ask me to witness their son's circumcision or want to know if it's OK to name their gerbil after me.
4. Celebrity gossip. For the love of puppy testicles, who the fuck cares if Tom Cruise is porking that kid from "Dawson's Creek". I purposely stare at the scabby scalp of the old lady in front of me in the check out line to avoid these magazine headlines. Seems like everytime a squirrel farts I am stained with unwanted gossip and forced to search my first aid kit for sanity.
5. Reality television in general, but I'm going to go al little bit farther and say specifically shows starring Peter Brady as an adult and ones about some spoiled cunt's sixteenth birthday party. This makes me not want to have children. I would rather eat an oyster po-boy from McDonald's than watch this shit.
6. TV programs that show large women giving birth or kids with face eating tumors, but only around dinner time. This forces me to change the channel at the speed of diarhea. I can do without hearing the words umbilical chord and placenta while I eat. Nothing quite says "Amen" like an embryo covered in afterbirth while I go down on a brautwerst.
7. People that ask me where I got my jeans from. First of all, the chances of me knowing the answer to this are about as good as me being able to spell "dipshit" in Chinese hieroglyphics. Secondly, it makes me feel like a metrosexual who payed way too much for denim. If you really must pry the answer is "twenty bucks at Target".
Serenity now.
8. Women that wear shorts that say things like "Angel" or "Bad Girl" across the bottom. My personal favorite is "BOOTYLICIOUS". If your ass is big enough to advertise a fourteen-letter word then you should probably re-evaluate your wardrobe, unless you enjoy watching strangers swallow their own vomit. I would rather staple a car battery to my scrotum than read your amorphous caboose.
9. People that sit on the border of the Non-Smoking/Smoking section at restaurants and only exhale in the direction of my chicken finger platter. Believe it or not, some of us came to this establishment to consume nutrients other than nicotine. Do us all a favor, go outside and die. I hope your children are born without genitals.
10. People that stop by my house only to take a dump and then leave without making sure it was flushed successfully. I would rather bathe in mayonaisse than scrape your anal debris off of my toilet. I am going to spread a rumor that you name your hemmoroids if you do this again.
11. People that leave shopping carts in the absolute fucking middle of good parking spots. Godfuckingdammit this pisses me off and makes me want to neuter the entire population. These people are usually accompanied by a colony of unfortunate-looking second graders that outweigh me by seventy pounds.
12. People that ask me "When are you getting married?" If you want the honest truth "Not until I'm ready to do absolutely everything for two people!" Mind your own fucking business unless you want me to screw your granddaughter with some condoms I got in Haiti.
13. People that ask me if I'm growing a beard. "No, I just gave up shaving for Lent since one fucking razor cost more than a gallon of gas. If i do decide to start shaving again I will let you know... probably in the form of a ransom letter".
14. Drivers that camp out in the passing lane and drive less than or equal to the speed limit. I would rather administer CPR to roadkill than pass you on the right, so unless you want me to hurl a turd grenade at you, then I suggest you move the fuck over.
15. Grown white men that wear camoflauge at all times. I am usually outnumbered by these mongloids at BBQ buffets. Yes, I am aware that it is hunting season and that your wife is miraculously fatter than you are, but please, do not continue to burp at will. That last headwind that erupted from your esophagus reminded me of the time my cousin force fed me cow manure. Your breath smells like a rest area bathroom. Please return to your trailor or go have a hunting accident.
Ebay Fiends Posted: 12/20/2005by: heavnr If we could collect and slaughter every failed abortion who bids days ahead of time on Ebay and drives the price up almost always past retail and then loses anyway. I would cry tears of joy.
These morons should have been stains on the bed rather than born. They bid a ridiculously high number not once, not twice, but sometimes TEN FUCKING TIMES OR MORE! Something that could have sold for 5 dollars sells for 490. And that's not a fucking exaggeration. Go look at a few items on Ebay and see the foolishness in live action. If anyone on here reading this is bidding like that, get the fuck off of Ebay.
Why in the name of (insert deity here) would you bid on something when there are 10 days left in the auction. What sense does it make to drive the price up and pay mor? Why is it taking these millions of dumbasses this long to figure out you should bid within the last few minutes? It's like an idiot who keeps touching a hot stove. You keep being a fucking idiot and get burned but like a retard you keep touching it. Meanwhile a normal person is trying to use the stove and make ramen noodles while the retard fries his flesh. I lost focus with that illustration but the point was made dammit!
There is no greater joy than swooping in with 10 seconds left and taking an item away from the mindless idiots who started bidding the previous year on the item. Then follow that up with a hateful email and you will feel a rush like injecting human adrenal gland serum into your veins. Not that I know anything about that.
Happy Ebaying
this list Posted: 12/19/2005by: charro it has some funny ideas but it is WAY too formulaic....ok ok we get it you have a bunch of "i'd rather" jokes. They should be used judiciously, as in once or twice a column.
"If you're leading off sentences with the phrase 'I'm not a racist, but....,' you might be a redneck." Your Christmas Present Posted: 12/19/2005by: S. Clause Instead of a lump of coal for this article ... I'm having an elf work on a copy of Comedy for Dummies for you. That should even out the use of your thesaurus and help you find a happy medium of shit and cock jokes that all sixth graders can enjoy, not just the ones in advanced grammer classes.
The only positive that Mrs. Clause and I could glean from this article was the "fucking your grandaughter with condoms I got from Hati" bit. That was pretty funny, but just tell all the Grandparents that you seem to hang out with that you are gay. Consider that a little stocking stuffer to get them off your back ... or should I say brautwerst you filthy, filthy gay-bo.
Merry Christmas. I would rather... Posted: 12/19/2005by: Nick I would rather tie weights to my balls and do jumping jacks than listen to another exaggerated, morbid "I would rather..." saying. funny Posted: 12/19/2005by: ted i agree with milton. john, you should lighten up. yeah, rascism isn't funny, but stereotypes are. i dont think that was the point here. when was the last time you heard a black comedian do stand up and not make fun of white people? And what's the Deal... Posted: 12/19/2005by: Boody with airline peanuts. I mean sure you get two bags but there's three in each of them. Who are ......these people? GREAT! Posted: 12/19/2005by: Milton article. Fat, Old, Black Handicapped women talking on the phone while driving a minivan full of kids. This is the all-time worst driver on the road.
BTW, John, I'm not racist either. Why can you not make fun of other races funny traits?? 99% of the time they're true..... One more thing Posted: 12/19/2005by: Christine I hate when I get on an elevator and a guy my age gets on and I have to ask, "going down?" I can never do it without smirking, so I know he is probably thinking that I am a turbo skank or really immature. Sadly, its the latter. I still laugh when someone says the word "Poop".
hey john Posted: 12/19/2005by: deuce if you're the 8th person to make that same jackass comment with all the zeal of edison creating the lightbulb, then you are the asshole. asshole. Also Posted: 12/19/2005by: Christine I am am on the 35th floor of a 40 story building. There is no one on the last 4 floors. So I hate when I get on an elevator by myself and take it down and it stops at every floor. But what I hate is the dick who gets on at 19 and says something like, "looks like we caught the local, hahahahaha" Does it dude??? does it seem like a local to you asshole??? what would you know about it? I had to stop on every floor since 30 fucking 5!!!!! not you!!!
