I look around this room; do you know what I see? A room full of shitbag elf executives about to get the holly jolly axe.
Which one of Santas little helpers is going to tell me what Chris Kringle International is trading at today? Whats that? Say it again. Thats right, thirteen fucking dollars per share. THIRTEEN DOLLARS. You. Whats your name? Jolly Gumdrop? Jolly Gumdrop, get the fuck out of my board room. Youre fired. I mean it, get out.
If the rest of you want to keep your jobs, this is the part where you shut up and listen to Mr. Claus because this is where I tell you how its going to be from now on. Were making some changes.
Production costs have been at an all time high, while our market share is steadily decreasing. And do you know why? We make wooden horses, dolls and choo-choo trains. Kids dont want this junk. We actually pay elves to widdle this crap out of imported Norwegian pine we might as well hire unicorns to sculpt this garbage out of diamonds, know what I mean? Its totally ridiculous - were burning dollars, people.
This morning I struck a deal with Best Buy and Wal-Mart; from now on well be sharing their fourth quarter inventory. All they ask is a few personal appearances, and guaranteed good list for the executives children for the next 5 years. That is unless any of you brainiacs can show me how to carve a functional DVD player out of a block of wood at cost.
Image. Weve lost it. Were no longer capturing imaginations, and kids just dont believe anymore. Take a look at these demographics, what are these kids into? Thats right violence, blood, fast cars, loose ladies. But Santa, you ask, how are we going to recapture these kids?Ill tell you, we shift the focus to the naughty list.
These kids grow up with no consequences. What happens when theyre on Santas naughty list? Thats right, nothing. The parents always bail them out.
Not anymore.
From now on, kids on the naughty list are going to be scared shitless. Imagine this: little Jimmy fought with his sister all year, hes naughty, he made the list. We send a notice to Jimmys parents two weeks ahead of Christmas. Now, late Christmas Eve, little Jimmy is all snug in his bed sugar plums dancing in his head POW! Santas size 13 boot right in his back. WAKE THE FUCK UP JIMMY, YOURE A NAUGHTY BOY!! I stick a knife right to his throat and he starts to cry. He literally pees his tiny Christmas pjs. Jimmy gunna be bad next year? I dont think so. Is he going to spread the word? Abso-fucking-lutely. Santas got a brand new bag, kids. You BETTER watch out. You BETTER not cry.
The reindeer and sled what year is this, 1830? This is the wireless age, baby. Besides which, we all know the shit runs on magic, so why the fuck do I need to stare at nine furry butt holes everywhere I go? And parking that thing - I wont even get into it. We need to think outside the box here. Wheres the sex appeal? Listen, heres the new ride: a red Ferrari, stretched job with a tv and a bar cmon Ferris Bueller (sigh).
Im serious, a Ferrari limo and full of hot ladies in bikinis. Forget the deer, and we keep the same names for the ladies: Donner, Vixen, Dasher, Prancer, and so on. See where Im going with this? Were talking bikini calendars, DVDs, trading cards, posters, collect-them-all Burger King action figures! These are top dollar ideas, people. I forget, how many reindeer calendars did we sell last year? Exactly.
Welcome to the new Chris Kringle International! As I mentioned a little earlier, I am instituting these changes immediately. Some of you are wondering how were going to pay for these new programs. Well, there are going to have to be layoffs, serious layoffs. And Ill tell you where Im going to start. Raise your hand if you got the Ferris Bueller reference congratulations you three, you get to keep your jobs. Everybody else, you have ten minutes to grab your shit and get out of my building. You are people without vision, and I have no room for you go take a ride on the shit can express, losers.
Oh, and Merry Christmas.
Somebody get Howard Stern on the phone for me. Lets get some auditions going for these ladies.
..then... Posted: 12/20/2005by: justin (After correcting the error, UNameMe then leans forward on his rocking chair, spits into a pail and returns to his wooden double dildo and anal bead carvings.) the big spellFUCKINGchecker Posted: 12/18/2005by: UNameMe It isn't 'widdle' you idiot, it's whittle! good job Posted: 12/16/2005by: Tom Mc Santa has been due for an image change Once , twice Posted: 12/16/2005by: matt three tiems annoying. Cheap shot, just kidding. F-ing hilarious. Thanks fo the laughs. Awesome! Posted: 12/16/2005by: Brenda Della Casa Good job, Justin!
. WAKE THE FUCK UP JIMMY, YOURE A NAUGHTY BOY!! I stick a knife right to his throat and he starts to cry. He literally pees his tiny Christmas pjs. Jimmy gunna be bad next year? I dont think so. Is he going to spread the word? Abso-fucking-lutel
