Break out the debit card and get ready to piss off the world!
Listen, bitch, I know you cant hear me calling you a heinous cum-dumpster under my breatheven though youre so close to me that you're practically giving me a reach-around. If you put that phone away and shut up for more than a minute, you might hear my grumblings and realize that you're being a real slam-pig. But then again, if you let go of your pink diamond-encrusted RAZR, somebody might shove it right up your ass. I mean, I cant be the only one whos ready to kill you.
Do you really think this line is going to move any faster just because your tits are on my shoulder? Proximity to the front of the line has no correlation to the speed at which said line moves. Based on romantic endeavors (and I heard it only counts if you switch hands halfway through) I have a buddy whos been at the front of the line for Lindsay Lohan since she turned 18, but he is still cranking it to Mean Girls.
Didnt the unemployment line or the DMV teach you anything about annoying people in even more annoying situations? Speaking of unemployment Im trying to get a Gatorade and protein bar, shove it down my throat and make it back to my office in under a half-hour. What the fuck are you doing in the middle of the day?
He bought this so you wouldn't find the stains when you borrow his BMW, so settle down
Does Hubby make too much money and spend too little time with you? Did you quit your high-paying job as an interior designer to raise little Timmy and Susieand by raise, I mean drop off at a French au pair and then go bang your gardener? When Mr. Five-Touchdowns-In-My-High-School-Championship is in NYC on business, do you think he knows that you blowing your way around town so much that youre coughing up donations at the sperm bank?
Basking in that post-Communion BJ glow
Or are you just one of the millions of way-too-self-absorbed socialites who would be in prison if acting cunty was illegal? Driving that Suburban and having dinner parties with all the other Stepford Wives doesnt change the fact that the line isnt moving and that youre so close to me that if I turned around (and you were hot enough to give me wood), youd be pregnant.
Let me say it once more: I have absolutely no control over the guy in front of me who is paying for his carton of milk (which, if he could read, would know is actually HALF & HALF) with food stamps and pocket lint. Nor do I have some God-like ability to stop every pube who doesnt carry at least ten dollars in cash from paying for the pack of gum with their fucking debit card. I am just as pissed that Handsome Andy is about to buy a box of condoms with his Visa and forgets that his PIN number is his girlfriends birthday (which he changed so hed remember to get her something better than gas station roses next year).
So STOP moving closer! Believe me; no one wants this line to move faster than I do. If I hear any more about your hairdresser being a total whore for using the wrong shade of black on your dye-job, Im going to contract herpes and have sex with your daughter. This isnt Latin America. Here in the States, we have a little thing called personal space. Unless youre a Catholic priest, you should understand that termand you dont look like a self-hating homosexual pedophile, so kindly take one giant step for mankind backward while I pay for my lunch with change from the take-a-penny cup.
uh huh Posted: 4/16/2006by: James E. Ray White people are impressed by shiny things? Yeah, and I'm rockin 22's on my Honda Accord. Fro shizzle. Silly moolies JohnnyC & Tom A: You Ignorant Sluts Posted: 4/13/2006by: Joe Mama JohnnyC and Tom A really need to stop making out and realize the concept of humor. Yes, stereotypes are racist and not indicative of an entire race. However, behind every one of them there is an element of truth. Not all brothas eat chicken, but guess what, a shitload of them do. Not every Asian eats rice, drives poorly, or mangles their "R's" and "L's", but guess what, a lot do. Not all white people are self-absorbed, impressed by shiny things, and gullible, but...OK I'm rambling. In sum, enjoy the humor in life and in this site and quit trying to sound like self-important pussies.
Love, Joe
P.S. Musach is The Shit! Keep up the good work. HUMOR Posted: 4/13/2006by: Bea Gass the day i take anyone serious in regards to what i 'should' or 'should not' find funny is the day i will slit my throat. humor is humor......what i find funny may be totally different than what others find funny......BIG FUCKING DEAL. Line Crowding Posted: 4/13/2006by: Rocky I find it best when people inter your personal space in a check out line to rip a nice stinker and make faces to everyone else in line, indicating it was the person that is crowding you. Not only do they back the fuck off, but you also acheive the pleasure of revenge and getting away with rippin one out in a public place. ... Posted: 4/13/2006by: Phyllis "First, he made light of my weight, then told me I should change my motto to 'Semper Fudge.' He then told me to 'relax.'"
Also, Ron Mexico is the best alias of all time, Michael Vick when checking into the STD clinic. Fantastic. We've been working on others....Jeff Saturday, Karl Hungus, etc. Comes in handy when they scream your food order over a microphone. Aww Posted: 4/13/2006by: Christine I couldn't ask for two better guys on my tpp friend tiers. deuce you always have the number two slot because of the fitting name. but you rank #1 as well.
I've been a little wily today .. . . and I think I like it. I just hope everyone knows that I truly am joking. I am sure my boss is preparing the pinkest slip ever right now because of the dentist joke, as he is also a dirty dirty jew. Although, its passover so he is probably cooking a fish or some shit. Christine Posted: 4/13/2006by: Atlas Your comic flair is truly unrivaled. You should get a daily column in some local alternative paper ranting about something you could care less about. christine - ha! Posted: 4/13/2006by: deuce never have i seen "spic & span" used so well.... twice! that was awesome. Random Posted: 4/13/2006by: Christine I don't announce my hatred to other races. On the outside, I am very fake and pretend to love everyone equally. Its only in the comfort of my office that I let my rage for those skinny rice eating fucks unleash itself. My dentist is black, do think I want his dirty hand in my mouth??? of course not but I smile and spit and say, "thank you Dr. Jenkins" and carry on in peace. And when some Spic and Span is cleaning my car with Spic&Span, I can't help but feel superior, but I keep it all inside.
The statement made above is completely and totally untrue. I can't back up any of it. My dentist is actually a jewish woman. .. . .ugh. racism is not fun when you mean. don't hate. .. appreciate. random... you're a girl? Posted: 4/13/2006by: Max Wow, random, where you from? All the Asian girls at my high school were prudes. I didn't get any hot and sticky pork until college.
