On the road to the World Series of sexual gloryor a spirited game of Sneak-Tipthe single guy faces stiff competition from some of the most battle-hardened contenders on the dating scene. Over the years, countless teams have been victorious, ensuring our boy would remain a card-carrying member of Masturbators Anonymous. There was the craptacular embarrassment of a performance against Team Male-Model in the Trucker Hat Triumph of 2004. And who can forget the crushing defeat at the hands of the Hoboken Hair-Gels in the legendary "Chinstrap Classic" of 2005. Indeed, there is quite a storied history among these Saturday night titans. But there are other hopefuls chomping at the bit and dry-humping their way across the dancefloor for a chance to ride the Inebriated Nympho Express.
Yet, there is one cadre whose pathos and lack of talent is legendary. They are the Chicago Cubs of the bar scene, and the only thing standing between the single guy and possibly touching a boob. If it were genetically possible, these guys would have penises made of solid Kryptonite, coated in manure, and sprinkled with poverty, because they repel women like John Goodman naked with a bag of spiders. Team Hair-Loss is the Slippery Pete of the barthe best AND the worst. The best chance for victory, yes. But also the worst at everything he does, making him bitter, apt to overcompensate, and more annoying than reoccurring Chlamydia. Despite the seemingly endless supply of movie quotes circa 2001, dude is a sleeper and has the potentiallike finding out your mom is that fat waitress at Hooters your buddies were talking aboutto ruin your night.
His resounding lack of success in both his business and personal life has spawned a new phase, right between the mid- and quarter-life crisis: the 33% Meltdown. Team Hair-Loss is a third of the way through life, older and 33% less improved. (I can see the TV ad now: Its Team Hair-Loss! 33% Balder! 33% Fatter! 33% of everything youve always wanted!) Hes also upset that dividing 1 by 3 yields 0.3333333333 the number keeps going forever and theres no end in sightmuch like his romantic drought and the collection of hair in his shower drain. All this means he will stop at nothing to land any girl under 200 pounds and his teammates will happily dive on the grenade to help him out in a potentially blubberiffic situation.
If the ladies werent already impressed by his fag-ulous Bluetooth ear-tampon or his Dockers flat-front Stain Defenders (a fabric he wishes theyd use for underwear), hell attempt to garner their favor by buying shots and talking about his new Mustang (hell leave out the part about it being an automatic with a V6and that its a rental). He will wear tons of cologne in an attempt to mask the overwhelming stink of failure. He will make sure the entire bar hears his celebratory cries after each pick in the fantasy draft being held next to the single guy. He will denounce the rest of Team Hair-Loss for making probably the dumbest fucking choice next to proposing to your wife
Available: 30 sq. in. forehead space. Expansion poss. Ideal for zit farm. Ask for Pete: 555-5303
What may seem like intra-squad bickering is actually a careful and well-planned tactic used by the Alpha Male to display traits of strength and vigor. Dont let the size 38 pants with the reinforced ass stitchingwhich are Atlas-like in their ability to support seven years of depression-inspired binge eatingfool you, Team Hair-Loss has fat strength. He was a 2nd Team All-American offensive lineman at Patterson High. They called him Kodiak because he was the size of a bearand because his last name was Kodiak. He was fat then, hes fatter now, and one wrong move even resembling a cock-block will send him into a three-point stance, patterned golf shirt and all.
All the rage with the kids these days
Team Hair-Loss is obnoxious and his loquacious nature does give him the edge over the quieter single guy. Combined with his willingness to mount even the most sordid and repellent barfly, the Rogaine Regime almost overcomes all the factors working against his chances to get a little muff off that skank. (Authors note: No shit. Actual statement overheard at a local pub, from aforementioned team concerning his intent to engage in relations with a young woman) Nonetheless, the single guy can still emerge victorious, though the contest may go the full seven games.
Much like the dreamy Freddie Prinze Jr. in Summer Catch, the single guy has one thing working in his favorbesides a disproportionately strong right arm. His stamina is the X-factor. Were not talking about sex; that would be over before she can say, Promise youll leave right after? Our boy can out-drink and outlast the veterans. The every-other-weekend warriors probably have an early tee-time tomorrow and told the babysitter theyd be home by 12:30. Once midnight rolls around, Bobby Bluetooth and his band of merry douchebags will pile into their minivans, crank up Free Bird, and wish they were back at the Guy Ramma Guy frat party, where they used to pull mad wool.
Which brings us to the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, no outs, single guy down by one. Victory couldnt be more certain unless the opponent was the Geriatric Special Olympics All-Stars. At last, this is when the single guy can make a move, confident that, compared to what just left, hes more appealing than Brad Pitt with Warren Buffets checkbook, standing under a tree that grows trendy purses. With all eligible women sufficiently sauced, the single guy gets a fastball right in his wheelhouse and knocks it out of the park, landing a nightcap with a solid seven (eight if she waxed her arms and let her bangs grow out). So maybe it's more of an RBI single. But it's better than doing "The Stranger" for the third time today, and when you haven't won a championship in decades, you'll settle for a win... even if she has a Keith Hernandez mustache.
clarification Posted: 8/25/2006by: NORE This if for everyone was a lil confused. I'm pretty sure he was saying that since team hair-loss guys have a couple of years on single guy he can't hang (goin home to kids, early tee time, just being lame, etc). Therefore single guy (aka mr stamina) is left to triumph as the only remaining option. solid article Posted: 8/23/2006by: Tom Mc Very funny and on point Hair Loss is Okay Posted: 8/23/2006by: Balding Bob Excellent article, but don't let him fool you. Being a member of Team Hair Loss isn't all bitches and riches. That sad fact is that most women find balding men to "unappealing." I know firsthand the horrors of premature hair loss (as well as other problems relating to premature, but thats a different story), and I am hear to say that we Beautiful Balders should stand tall and proud, and destroy the stereotypes that we are less important than are Full-Folicaled brothers. Thank you. yashmesh Posted: 8/23/2006by: me Really well written Yes Posted: 8/23/2006by: Christine Please explain. It was very funny and I liked it a lot, but I do feel the final message is a tad vague. Umm Posted: 8/23/2006by: Hook I have to agree with DC. What happened there at the end? Where did Mr. Stamina go off to? So single guy wins Posted: 8/23/2006by: dc because hair loss guy has to go home to his wife and kids? Please explain. Impressive Posted: 8/23/2006by: S For me it's that extra step...
"these guys would have penises made of solid Kryptonite, coated in manure, and sprinkled with poverty"
"more appealing than Brad Pitt with Warren Buffets checkbook, standing under a tree that grows trendy purses" Great Posted: 8/23/2006by: Milton Job, Musach. Well written and pretty damn funny.
"because they repel women like John Goodman naked with a bag of spiders"
Nice mad props, yo! Posted: 8/23/2006by: antony no but seriously, i had to give you a 4... you lost that last man on the stairs by referrencing motherfucking 'Free Bird' in the same sentence with 'Team Hairloss'- that was my highschool graduation song. it is the pentient of awesomeness.
