Yeah, thats right Fatty McTons-of-fun, I called you a pig. Franklyand I said frankly not frankfurter, so wipe the drool off all three of your chinsIm fed up with your constant bitching, moaning, and mooing. Not to mention the way your massive sausage fingers and ham-hock hands crush the very life out of my once-soulful pages. Youve sucked dry the last of my patience, much like you suck down the cans of Pringles you keep in your bottom desk drawer.
Dont look so shocked, Jabba. Theres much more where that came from. My days of absorbing your innermost thoughts and emotional breakdowns are over. Ive had it and Im telling everyone. Im naming names, Piggy. And Ill start with the names of all the lard-loving restaurantscough Dennys, Wendys, Mickey D, Dunkin Donutscough.. you cameo at before you finally make it to the office and take out your apple and bag of plain Cheerios. Let me tell you the honest truth, Moby. No one believes that you have a glandular disorder or that youre just big-boned. That would only account for the first deuce. What about the remaining buck-fifty plus?
Trust me, no one is falling for your little tricks and illusions. Only the idiot that thinks the picture on match.com is really you (or that curvy doesnt mean back-fat) would actually believe that someone can bloat up to 350 pounds while eating nothing but low-carb TV dinners. By the way, while you were at work, that guy emailed you. I read it, like I read everything that comes to your inbox since I got tired of reading candy bar wrappers and empty cartons of Ben and Jerrys. Anyway, I digress; unfortunately, Prince Charming cant make it this evening. Guess you better hit 7-11 on the way home and pick up a few extra consolation cupcakes to keep you and your Blockbuster rentals company tonight.
As I was saying, you havent fooled a soul. The ones that play along are just too timid to call you out. But I have enough grease stains, chocolate skid marks, and ice cream droppings to chronicle each pound youve put on since your ex left (and wisely too, I might add. I dont know how he put up with your flatulence for two years, eight months and fourteen days). That salad you ordered last week might have fooled Alicia, the sexy new account executive, but once she catches a glimpse of the cache of Hersheys bars in your den-of-sin desk drawer, she will realize that your little game is just a method of avoiding the truth.
Oh, and just a reminder: as of today, its now a month since you postponed your promise to start walking your fat ass to the store to pick up refills for the goodie drawer because you hurt your leg jogging. Or at least thats what you told everyone at the office, because you didnt want them to know that when youre alone at home on a Friday night you spend hours in front of the mirror folding and stretching your fatty flesh-rolls to see how youd look naked if you lost the 50 pounds youve promised to lose since New Years Eve 2003 (when, by the way, it was only 15).
Does this look familiar, Tubby?
So you lie and tell Sandy in Accounting that you spent your weekend jogging with a friend (by friend, you mean bag of Doritos", right?) and going to your weekly Yoga class with some of your old girlfriends. Which is probably better than telling her that you spent last Saturday watching your blind date walk into the restaurant, catch a glimpse of you (which wasnt a difficult task, even for the blind) and then act confused, like he left something in the car, and walk promptly out again, not to return.
Stop crying. No, really, STOP! Your tears are burning me! Maybe its all the sugar in the three gallons of Diet Coke you consume daily? Do you realize just may have gorged yourself on so much shit that your tears have been replaced with a sugary mixture of carbonated water and caramel? Maybe if you stopped the Haagen-Daaz I.V. drip every night and got a little exercise we wouldnt have to end this relationship on such a sour note. And maybe, just maybe, if you slimmed down to a svelte 250 pounds, you could find your love cavern and use that beef-stick from your Monday Hickory Farms sampler twice, if you get my drift.
Look, Im not a mean guy. Really. But Ive put up with your bullshit and the dangling arm fat brushing against me as you furiously pen your thoughts in me night after fucking night. I would have thought youd get a little more value out of this therapy, that maybe youd see that all of your problems arent because of societys unwillingness to accept people of mass, like your beastly hero Oprah Make it a 20-piece Winfrey says. No, its because youre a pig. Nobody likes sharing a seat on the bus with you because theyre getting ripped off. They paid for a seat and instead theyre getting half. And your fat ass is getting all yours and half of theirs. The story of your life, and thats just not fair.
Believe it or not... this is not an ice cream maker.
So listen, Babe, (and Im not being affectionate, Im referring to the pig in that movie), I wish I could say I hate to do this to you, but I gotta run. Tomorrow I start at my new job and I dont want to be late. This new gig I landedbeing the diary for a sex-crazed and confused high school girlis going to be pretty sweet. Sure I may have to deal with a little neurosis, but Im pretty sure she can actually use a vibrator without an extension pole. Enjoy the Snickers bars, bitch Im out!
Dude, it was a cheap traffic plug Posted: 4/1/2006by: Answer Bunny ...I'm a f*cking whore, what can I say? well written, but..... Posted: 3/24/2006by: Bea Gass you got the talent, now if you could just work on your high level of self-loathing fat people are like albanians Posted: 3/24/2006by: young mc except i feel bad when beating fat people Fat people are like animals Posted: 3/24/2006by: albanian guy Except I feel bad for beating an animal. YESSSSS Posted: 3/24/2006by: dudebro This is fucking hilarious. There are two poor chairs in my office whose wheels were broken off on two separate occasions involving two different fatties. This article rings true.
You missed one thing though: the incessant exclamations of "It's so hot in here," muttered through a foot of insulation. Congratulations Posted: 3/24/2006by: Bruno To the Answer Bunny!
You just converted one more person to the pro-choice camp. Christine Posted: 3/24/2006by: Max Go check out the Answer Bunny blog. It is funny-bad, although I think it's going for funny-haha. "Bunny" had better be a woman, by the way.
This is not the site to repost links for traffic purposes. She could get herself some mean commenters. Musach Posted: 3/24/2006by: Christine Great Job. Very funny. Though, I too, felt pity for the poor girl who was abandoned by her own diary. Being fat is a handicap for some people. Even if they do not have a thyroid condition, some are very depressed and binging is their only way to deal with it. having said that, our office fat bitch is not depressed. Quite the opposite really. She has this false idea of who she is. She constantly talks about the gym and her nutritionist. These are obvious lies as her stomach hits her knees when she walks. She also makes up stories about her weekends with different guys hitting on her. Now these men are either fictitious or assholes, secretly making fun of her.
Max, is that for real?? Was that really the blog post by AB? I am embarrased that he thought we would be impressed. Seriously, I am blushing just thinking about it. answer bunny Posted: 3/24/2006by: Max You call that a blog post? I am going to copy-paste the entire text of your "b*tchslapping" :
"Uh, helloooo? Fat, married women are some horny b*tches--the guy is gettin' every last drop of jizz sucked out of him! Maybe if your friend had throat-stroked said ex a little more often he'd still be with her skinny ass. Now let that be a lesson to you. Luv, AB"
Yeah, really edgy. You should write an article!
What has me wondering: why would you *-censor a vowel in "bitch" or "pussy" but you go right ahead with "jizz" and "throat-stroked" ?? Talk about fat.... Posted: 3/24/2006by: BQ My dad is so fat he has to go into the basement of his restaurant & weigh himself on the meat scale (>500 lbs). At least when people see him in the restaurant they know the food must be good.
