Look kid, you dont like me, and Id rather date a midget with chronic body odor than deal with you. But seeing as how we share the same oxygen, and even though you are the CEO of FuckingAnnoying, Inc., I feel compelled to tell you a few things. I know you're only 13 and still technically a "kid". I'm well aware that conventional standards dictate that you should be playing stickball and catching frogs, or something. But Ive had it with your lackadaisical nature and the Im so oppressed attitude. There are kids half your age making t-shirts in Malaysia. Why dont YOU go out and get a job; make yourself useful. Cut my lawn. Wash cars. Pirate DVDs. Make me some fucking pants.
While we're on the matter of clothing... what the fuck is your problem? How many shades of black can you possibly have? Did I miss the part of "Being Hardcore 101" that states, "The amount of black t-shirts with shitty band logos owned is directly proportional to the wearers intimidation factor"? I must have. Because even with your Cannibal Corpse tee and Valium-level Relaxed-fit jeanswhich, by the way, make you look like youre in a retarded all-white Kris Kross tribute bandyou're about as scary as a cartoon bunny riding a My Little Pony through a rainbow.
You know what IS scary, though? How much your parents are going to have to pay the shrink when you start screwing cats and taking apart the stereo to "stop the government from monitoring the tracking device in your penis." Or the lawyer's retainer when you start acting out because Daddy didn't nurture your sports skills and you didn't get to hang out with the jocks. Honestly kid, even with a Hall of Fame coaching staff and his own stadium, Stephen Hawking (like youminus the intelligence and good looks) would never make it to the big leagues. Some people were meant to play ball and others were meant to play WITH balls. Youre the latter. Deal with it, Queerbait. So you dont get to hang out with Joe Quarterback and bang the head cheerleader in your Mustang. WAAAAAAAAHHH. Cry me a fucking river.
Dont give me the whole, Theres so much pressure on kids these days, man. You dont get it. Sorry that the huge burden of passing a few classes was so taxing. Having to write a two-page essay WITH a bibliography and read a book without pictures on your three-month summer vacation IS SOOOOO unjust. You should probably freak out and burn the school down, you little sociopath. I know it must be hard to fit an hour or two of studying in during the week, what with all your extra-curricular activities like MySpacing the shit out of Katie Tomalino because Jimmy Bowman said he touched her boobs UNDER the bra. Maybe you should spend a little less time being depressed because its cool, wearing mascara, and jerking off to "Laguna Beach" episodes.
Hooray for the awkward years
Perhaps Im being a bit optimistic, but I think you'd probably pass Retard Geometry if you and the rest of the Cumstain Crew stopped pretending you know how to skate and took a break from spray-painting your lame gang signs on the parking garage. Trust me, no one, including the 400 people that park there, is concerned about your claimed turf. If you want to boost your street cred, I'll be more than happy to drop you off in Camden so you can get some pointers from the experts. If they don't make you an ashtray or a pin cushion for used needles, maybe you can get some wardrobe advice and career counseling. Sound good, Sport?
Although youre going to continue to annoy the living piss out of me until you start making a positive economic contribution (in other words, are forced to toil in creative constipation under the cruel hand of The Man), you do have some redeeming qualities. If I knocked you unconscious, Im certain youd do a bang-up job as a doorstop.
He knows the score.
Youve also convinced me that I need to carefully monitor my penis and his instinctual goal of infecting some poor girl with Kid-itis. Despite his desire to fly to someplace warm and tropical, south of the equator, theres no way Im getting stuck the 18-year tax deduction. If, by some cruel twist of misfortune, both of the condoms I was wearing failed mid-flight, and the Lil White Fighting Tadpoles were forced to parachute into the hostile Uterusian guerrilla territory, and one of them was captured and held as a POW at EGG HQ, I would be on DEFCON-1 standby with a bottle of Plan B. Trust me. If you were a pair of jeans, Id return you. Hell, Id return you now, but I dont think youd fit.
Which brings me to the small bit of common ground we share. You emerged from your beautiful mother, and Id like to as wellafter a night of cheap martinis at a seedy jazz bar. How about I come over and babysit while mom is running errands and getting her Xanax refilled? Who knows, maybe after a few weeks of playing pool boy, I might be your new daddy! Then I can legally punish you for being the poster child for birth control and handjobs. But for the next four or five years, just stay in your room and play with Legos or something. And for fucks sake, pull your goddamn pants up. You look like a jackass.
Um, the article? Posted: 9/7/2006by: Tangent Guy Remember? It was funny - best non-sports read of the day.
I think I'll just fade away now. (Signed) ellipsis . . . HA! Posted: 9/7/2006by: Eugene What is also ironic is that you are obsessed--literally obsessed--with pointing out how unfunny I am, yet you chastise me for pointing out how unfunny some articles are...haha.
And stop posting as me...You're embarrassing yourself. Well, no keep doing it...tool. Why Me Again? Posted: 9/7/2006by: Eugene Why does everybody know that I'm a douchebag? Why is it only my mom that think I'm cool? I only make stupid comments about TPF articles and society. My comments are without substance because (see last line of "Why Me?" below). Why are my favorite words I LOVE IT and goop? Why am I such a freakin' tool? Why does God hate me?
And, why am I a pedophile? Dale L Posted: 9/7/2006by: Eugene haha, so angry and bitter sweetie. I LOVE it.
Why do I get to you so much? Why do you need to constantly state that I'm not funny, when everyone knows that I'm extremely funny? What's ironic is that you're a sad, pathetic douchebag, who actually has never sad anything even remotely amusing. NOTHING. Anyway, you're a tool and I think you know that. Don't be so angry with me honey, that vein on your forehead is about to burst. i'm speechless... Posted: 9/7/2006by: antony almost. dave l, everything you said was true, and while i will say that, no, eugene is never funny, and often repeats the same joke or metaphor 5 to 20 times a day, he does sometimes make good points about society and the articles, i think that is his saving grace. jpm and steve should definitely be closer to number 1. i'd say snowball should have made the list too, but he only seems to hop on my nuts.... Why Me? Posted: 9/7/2006by: Eugene Why does everybody hate me? I like to sound like I'm a big man, but everybody knows I have a micro-penis. Why do people avoid me like a farting orangutan? Why do I also post as Christine, just so I can have someone to talk with? Do I do it just to show someone that I can talk to a girl? But even my imaginary girlfriend won't do it with me. I can't even get to first-base with my right hand. Secretly, I bugger children because that's the only way i can feel supeior. We all know I'm really stupid, but if i call people names and insult them, then maybe that will cover up for my idiocy and insecurities, like buggery. antony Posted: 9/7/2006by: Dave L. Actually, that one of which you speak scored LOWER than you (unless that's what you meant).
What's truly amazing is that there is one worse than the one of which you speak, since the one of which you speak is such a complete d-bag who hasn't ever posted anything remotely funny (the punctuation mark deal wasn't even close, by the way, and I think the one of which you speak is actually posting as anon, thinking he's clever, because the one of which you speak is sooooo lonely and pathetic and starved for some sort of affirmation. Speaking of affirmations, Stuart Smalley would spit in the face of the one of which you speak). The one of which you speak is beyond worthless. God's Embarrassment.
But there is one worse than the one of which you speak. dave L Posted: 9/7/2006by: antony actually i was thinking of your mom, since eugene scored higher than me...you jerk...but MOLLY is close enough.
burt thaxton kicks ass. even when i wanna hit him with a frying pan in the face.
have a great day all. except you snowball. you have AIDS. commenting on commentors Posted: 9/7/2006by: antony what about the the kids of widney high that we have posting on here? they are sometimes funny, sometimes stupid, and always around....
Uh, "L." is short for something and you shouldn't get confused Posted: 9/7/2006by: Dave L. antony - are you thinking of MOLLY? She's on the list.
