When that Canadian guy who looked like a fat Tom Petty played the ear-fuckingly bad song, Life Is a Highway, back in the early 1990s, it was a smash hit. At the time, I never knew why. Even as I wore my Hypercolor shirt and huge mirrored Oakleys, I felt gay listening to it. But now, in my mid twenties, I realize why it was #18 on the Billboard charts for 1992. Life IS a highway! However, for those of us NOT on Laguna Beach, its more of a NJ Turnpike, rather than a Route 66.
Age: 0 hours, 1 minute: Youre born! Hope you enjoyed it! You may not realize it now, but that was the last time youll see a vagina for a long time. Oh, and you have a penis? That brings us to
Age: 0 hours, 9 minutes: taking care of that filthy little problem called a foreskin. By the way, youll lose as much as one inch of your erect penis length and have 45% less sensitivity when you eventually have sex. But look on the bright side, Big Guy. At least you wont look different from the other guys in the locker room. Just smaller.
Age: 2 months, 1 week: Your mother's college roommate (who banged your fathers entire pledge class including him) is the first visitor to see your brand-new ass. She is also the first female visitor to see your lightswitch-sized peestick. Though you're barely old enough to realize how disgusting it is to rely on your mom's breast for nourishment, you distinctly hear her squeal, "Oh, Betty, look how cute his little wiener is," as they giggle like schoolgirls. Sadly, its the last time a woman will say your junk is cute, but not the last time women will laugh at it.
Age: 6 years, 8 months: You start Kindergarten and thrill at the shear amount of new toys and games at your disposal. There are puzzles, building blocks, dinosaurs, and.. Wow!... even that cool little racecar track that you saw on TV! This is great! You even catch a glimpse of a cute little blonde named Suzie who will be pretty hot in a few years, provided she doesnt pork up in puberty. However, you soon learn that all this fun and joy doesn't not come cheaply. By the end of the day, you are informed that: you can only play with the toys during designated Free Form Activity Intervals. Also, if little Tommy wants to play with the Gorilla puppet too, you have to "share." You will find out lateronce you start workingthat adults have to "share" too, only they call it "welfare".
You said it, Mr. Disturbing Movie Cover
Age: 10 years, 10 months: Your first sleepover ends tragically when you awaken to find youve hosed the place down. Being a clever kid, you find an empty cup and leave it knocked-over near the swampy sleeping bag, staging a spill. As you run home, you start to think of excuses for the interrogation that is likely to follow. You rationalize that everyone has accidents and that youll outgrow it. Youre wrong. Hello, plastic sheets.
Age: 12 years, 4 months: Tonight's a night of firsts. Not only do you have the pleasure of attending your first boy-girl party, but you also play your first game of spin-the-bottle. After getting stuck with guys for the first three rounds, your fourth spin finally stops on a real, live girl. And it's none other than 7th grade hottie, Jacqui Hoegaarden! As you eagerly skip to the closet, with Jacqui reluctantly sauntering behind you, you realize that this is your first kiss! Your palms sweat, your heart is beating a mile a minute. The door shuts and, in the darkness of the closet, you move in for the kill. If your tongue was a spear and her eye was the fish, you'd be quite the hunter. But, you miss the mark completely. Nice work, jerkface.
Age: 13 years, 1 month: Your first pube! This means youre a real man and you can start playing poker with your buddies, smoking cigars, and calling women, broads. When the second short-and-curly grows in, you start bragging to your friends and performing weird rituals with various lotions to see if you can cultivate a thicker and fuller penis toupee. You do. Ten years later. And youll spend the rest of your life shaving it off. Oh, and its starting to spread to your ass, up your back andin one final, horrible developmentover your shoulders. How neat! Your own pair of hair overalls.
Better keep this handy, Captain Incontinent
Age: 14 years, 8 months, 1 week, 2 days, 15 hours, 36 minutes: In washing yourself in the shower, you linger a bit too long and discover (Eureka!) that they dont call it a boner for nothing. Perplexed by the onset of spontaneous wood, you examine this further, and discover that it feels pretty good to manipulate your junk.
Age: 14 years, 8 months, 1 week, 2 days, 15 hours, 40 minutes: This must be what doing it is! Youve heard kids at school talking about how they did it last night and it felt so good. They were right! After a thorough examination, you achieve your first attempt at impregnation. Fortunately, your washcloth doesnt have ovaries, so you wont be having kids tonight. However, from this point on, even the mere thought of a nipple will make you at least consider having a go at yourself
Age: 16 years, 2 months: Bye-bye V-card! No longer a virgin, you emerge victorious from the backseat of your brothers old Chevy Caprice. Whoever said American automobiles werent luxurious obviously never met you and your patented Amish Plow technique. Youre pretty sure every girl in school will want to hop a ride on your pimp train once word gets out how good you were. However, you overlook one detail. Cindy Jo Miller was on the receiving end of the Amish Plow and was neither amused nor aroused. You spend the remainder of high school with the nickname, Ezekiel. Luckily, in two years, youll be off to college. In this magical land of orgies and responsibility, youll find yourself in just as many embarrassing situations. However, youll learn the three words that will forever minimize the ridicule from your peers: I was drunk. Ahh if only you could get drunk enough to repress these past 16 years
Funny Posted: 5/15/2006by: Ken Long article but pretty funny two years? Posted: 5/13/2006by: c Between first boner, whacking off and loss of virginity? What luck.
I was yanking it for a good ten years before I orgasmed inside another human being. (8 to 18) Amish Plow? Posted: 5/13/2006by: Tobias More detail please....
I want to give that a shot. Shoulda got the chop. Posted: 5/13/2006by: Milo No more than amusing. Also getting your stink toque cut off doesn't make you lose length. GREAT Article, but... Posted: 5/12/2006by: Provo You might also want to include anther poignant moment in a young man's life...you know:
The first time he's in the school library and sneaks off to a secluded corner behind the stacks. There he produces a section of a breast torn from a page in Playboy and masturbates. Upon completeion, he reaches into his pants, grabs a handfull of nut-butter, and proceeds to spread his semen all over the shelved books.
You guys can all agree with me, right?
ps. sorry, I just watched "The Squid and the Whale" = GREAT movie, I recommend it...
pps. Seriously, though...great article....I could relate to most of it... Great work Posted: 5/12/2006by: GRB 5 MFDS...no doubt about it. dates Posted: 5/12/2006by: bongo i had pubes in the 3rd grade and discovered boners way before that...13 for pubes...wow late bloomer (14 for beatin off??...i remember when nothing came out, then it started!) i'm a bit of a weirdo, ya think beautiful Posted: 5/12/2006by: L Train i wish i had a time machine Nice work Posted: 5/12/2006by: Cousin Eddie Best in a while. FANTASTIC! Posted: 5/12/2006by: the source This is the first impressive article I've read in a while. Nice work
