Admit it: This guy could be calling your mother a whore, but you're too focused on his smile.
Face it. There are so many moments in your life that you seriously contemplating saying whats truly on your mind, but dont. Why? Because you have been programmed since birth to acquiesce to certain norms; society is not altogether warm to honesty, despite the seemingly pleasant connotations of the word. Sure, Mr. Look-at-my-Lexus.-Its a Lexus.-Hey-Guys,-have-you-seen-my-Lexustrying to pretend that he could still sleep with the college girls he oglesjust cut you off, only to drive 15 mph below the speed limit.
And, no question this is a real skid-mark on the underwear of your day. Youre probably real tough with your sleevless American Eagle workout T-shirt and aviators, talking shit from the comfort of your vehicle. But if he gets out of his car, youre going to shrivel up like your balls in a blizzard. Youll smile, apologize, offer to blow him, exchange some unpleasantries (namely, him calling you a college punk, you shitting yourself and thanking him for being so understanding) and be on your merry fucking way.
Why do we continue to hide our true emotions and feelings when every ovary-packing television show (and that jackass Dr. Phil) is telling us that we NEED to be more OPEN and LOVE ourselves and EMBRACE our INNER CHILD? (I dont know about you, but I do it out of spite) Why cant we just find that inner child and scream at him for pissing the bed yet again, not eating his fucking vegetables and biting little Timmy in daycare for the second time this week?
Should we really be forced to hold back our emotions until they erupt in a heinous, shart-like explosion? Can we really live a life thats as showtunes-and-rainbows as an Old Navy commercial? And, more importantly, can I REALLY get a Polar Fleece Vest for only $14.99?
I submit to you that the answer to all those questions is yes. From this moment on, Im going to say whatever the shit I want and get away with it by flashing a smile so big and fake that it will distract and confuse even the most retardedly inebriated sorority girl. I think I really can get away with it, honestly. People always say, Smile, and the world smiles with you. You know why? Because if you take away work, sleep, and commuting, theres probably only about 8 hours left to spend doing the things you really want to do, like making finger sandwiches in your assless chaps while listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack.
Your boss. Your neighbor. Your girlfriend's new boyfriend. They're all Jerkoff-faces.
I dont know about you, but I really dont want to spend them NOT telling the crater-faced waiter who just dumped my dinner on my lap that its okay because its his first night. Fuck him. Sure, Ill smile and tip him my usual 30%, but you bet your dimply ass Im going to tell him that if he wasnt so focused on racing home to watch Shakiras Hips Dont Lie video while his three-legged German Shepard licks peanut butter off his nuts, maybe I wouldnt have a plate of ravioli on my cotton Dockers and third-degree burns on my baby-maker.
And you should follow my lead. The next time youre asked to come in on a Saturday for work, you just flash that my-shit-is-plated-with-24K-gold smile and nod eagerly as you mutter that this is the last time you come in on a weekend so that he can fly to the Philippines and have sex with 16 year-old transsexual prostitutesand not bring you. I think if you nod fast enough and flash a big enough grin, you may even be able to distract him long enough to piss on those shoes hes so proud of, which, by the way, are so gay that they practically scream, Tickle my balls while we watch Rent!.
Unless youre a girl. (Hey ladies, bet you wish you had a penis now, dont you?) And unless you love your job. Which is pretty depressing, unless youre a porn star or superheroand especially if youre a morticianunless youre also a necrophiliac.
When the wife tells you that shes tired of you leaving your wet towel on the doorknob, instead of hanging it up on the towel rack, simply smile as you pick up your back-hair-encrusted-body-mop, clench the grill, and tell her that youre tired of seeing her fucking tampons in the trash when all youre trying to do is read Sports Illustrated on the can. Not to mention, it really doesnt give Mr. Meatwhistle much incentive to wake up and get some chores done around the house so he can take the kids on that weekend trip to Orgasmville.
Ladies, you can benefit tremendously from a little honesty. Instead of faking it in bed, just to make Johnny Come-Quickly feel better about that thumbtack hes passing off as a phallus, just tell him to save it, walk his pathetic ass home and google penile implant. Im sure hell thank you for it later when he doesnt have to shave the shrubbery thats currently hiding his rod. When your boyfriend does something stupid again, like trying to D.P. you during sex, tell him that, honestly, he sucks at oral and his cute little Buddha belly isnt really that cute. Or little.
You know, Im almost willing to accept what will inevitably be at least one knocked-out tooth for every satisfactory ejaculation of my true feelings. However, at some point, its going to become hard to mask my insults with a smile.
Simply awesome. Shut the Fuck Up! Posted: 6/15/2006by: That Guy I'm sooooo sick of people telling people to shut the fuck up!
SHUT THE FUCK UP all you people telling people to shut the fuck up!
And stop telling everyone to "just critique the article" in these ranting postings in which you don't ever critique the article or offer anything at all about the subject matter (or otherwise posit any sort of productive or creative thought).
God, it's soooo fucking annoying having to read through all your whiny bullshit about how it makes you sooo angry reading about everyone's whiny bullshit.
GET A FUCKING LIFE and quit telling people to get a fucking life.
That's so junvenile - I mean, really. Don't you have anything better to do than concern yourself with what other people are posting on a message board?!
Loser!
P.S. Anyone seen those hot chicks on that new show "Treasure Hunt"? Cuz Billy, Johnny and the rest of the gang were saying that they were hot. Oh, and what's a good place for wings in the D.C. area? Stop! Posted: 6/14/2006by: U of Dumb I am really getting sick of the comment board turning into a chat room. Critique the article and get the fuck off. I dont give a flying fuck about where you like to ski, or where you spent last weekend. How fucking hollow is your existence if you feel the need to share intimate details of your "life" with total strangers? Stop. Stop right the fuck now. It's dumb. It's so fucking dumb I can't believe it. This is my 1st time writing on here. This will be my last. I feel it is my duty to point out how unbelievably retarded other humans are. My hate-o-meter rises every time I have to read about some shitty commenter's drinking hole of choice. Shut the fuck up. WTF? Posted: 6/14/2006by: Burt Thaxton Concept was stupid. Pictures were gross. Article wasn't funny. Rant was forced.
Do better. And WTF is a Musach?
ZUMOCK. I WANT SOME FUCKING ZUMOCK.
Burt Thaxton Not so good Posted: 6/14/2006by: Tangent Guy Interesting concept, but the writing reeked of "flop sweat" and "trying too hard." The photos were also a distraction. And the payoff (that the writer is going to smile while saying mean things to people under the guise of "honesty") was weak. Deuce Posted: 6/14/2006by: Tom A I speak of "we" generally, as in "the comment board." As in "I saw that discussion on the comment board."
Or maybe it was the royal "we." No, wait, that doesn't work.
Something.
Ahem. Tom A Posted: 6/14/2006by: Christine What part of this board isn't TMI? tom a - ha! Posted: 6/14/2006by: deuce but, quick! back to the phone booth... you left your glasses on...
methinks.. ahem.. another guy was discussing that... What was that Posted: 6/14/2006by: Tom A "TMI" thing we were discussing the other day, again? S Posted: 6/14/2006by: ShortDave Yes all chaps are de-assed but not all chaps fall under the category of assless. Regular chaps have no ass nor do they have a front, just legs and a belt. assless chaps are only missing the ass portion of it.
