The Musach: God, man, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me. I'm such a fan. God: Not a problem, The Musach.
TM: With all your commitments, it must be stressful. Do you ever wish you could retire? G: You know thats right. Its been crazy the past couple of years. The Republican Party takes up a lot of my time. You have no idea whats it like working with Bushhes as useful as a bag of dicks. Excuse my language, but he fucks up EVERYTHING and then its like, oh, well GOD will fix it. Its frustrating.
TM: I imagine. I voted for Kerry. G: (Takes a drag off his cigarette) Me too.
TM: I know it must be hard to pick just one, but what angers you most about the current state of the world? G: (Laughs) Well I cant be too pissed, since I did create the very species that is now donkey-punching poor old Mother Nature, but the pollution and over-industrialization really chap my ass. Its like finishing on a Picasso. No respect, ya know?
TM: Do you regret creating man? Do you wish you had stopped at dinosaurs? G: Yes, a little bit. I mean, dinosaurs just ate each other, but they were never going to evolve beyond the point of being instinctual hunters. When the aliens started visiting Earth, I knew theyd take over and eventually succeed at building Skynet, so I decided Id have to create my a species capable of defending my creation. Instead, I get Carson Daly, whos not even capable of defending his own ass from invasion, let alone a planet.
TM: Is it true that you hate gays? G: Thats been overblown. No pun intended (laughs). Lets say that I didnt intentionally create them, but I appreciate their knack for decorating, dressing and lisping.
TM: Fair enough. Whats omnipresence like? You see pretty much everything, right? G: Unfortunately, yes. I mean, the genocide, starvation and natural disasters are pretty bad. It's hard to look at, even if I am responsible. Kind of like if you have an ugly baby. Sometimes, though, you gotta show people what happens when they don't pray hard enough. If New Orleans had just built a few more churches, the hurricane wouldnt have happened. It's a shame it did, honestly. I love black people, really. My father was black.
TM: I didnt know you had a father. G: Yes, and he was black. He wasnt around much; he came around maybe once a month to drop off money for my mom.
TM: Must get very hard for you. G: You'd think so. But, it's my job. There's positive aspects of seeing everything, though, that more than make up for it. There are a lot of humorous things that happen every second of the day. Just yesterday, I was watching this really fat kid in third grade. He farted so loud, even I heard it. I was dying! (Cracking up) I mean, you can't WRITE stuff better than that.
TM: UmOkay, and that helps yourself forget that millions are starving in Somalia and Hollywood? G: (Sneers). No, that's not ALL. And besides, as for Hollywood, Lindsay Lohan is hardly starving. From what I hear, that Fez kid had her on a high-protein diet. There are a lot of benefits that come with being God.
TM: You mean like watching celebrities have sex? G: Well there's theres that, and messing with Oprahs weight. Thats fun. When Im feeling a little dangerous, I bid on oil futures. I drive a Prius, so I love seeing these tards in their massive SUVs pass out when they fill their tanks and have to drop a C-note. Plus, I pretty much get final say on who wins "American Idol".
TM: Really? How do you explain the boner-in-church embarrassment of Clay Aiken? G: Right, (Laughs) well actually, Satan already had exclusive rights to his soul, so I made him a deal that Id let Clay win so Satan could honor his end of the contract, and in exchange, he had to agree to reserve a space for Fran Drescher. I love the bitch, but that voice its like an ice-cold finger shoved up your ass unexpectedly.
TM: Shes not too bad on the eyes though, right? G: Is that why you Tivo "The Nanny"? And then keep a box of tissues by the
TM: Errr... yeah, that's...um... let's move on. In your very limited free time, what does the Almighty do to unwind? G: The usual things, you know, hitting the clubs, taking in a game. Im from Boston, so I try to catch the Red Sox games whenever Schilling pitches. Hes a close personal friend; we go hunting together in the winter. Also, I watch a lot of movies. Im a big fan of Kevin Costner.
Actually, God LOVES fags
TM: I knew there was a reason he still had work. G: What? Hes a great actor!
TM: God, I gotta tell ya, hes as entertaining as a quadriplegic stripper. G: What about Field of Dreams? Come on. Hes so natural in his ability. You forget youre even watching a movie. Dances with Wolves? I mean that was one of the best movies of all time!
TM: But what about The Postman? Anyway, well move on before you get a rod. So in Heaven, who do you hang out with? G: Umm theres a group of us thats pretty tight. Its me, this guy we call The Doctor, Dean Martin, Chris Farley, Socrates, Lance Armstrongs testicle and Ryan Seacrests career. I used to hang out with Hendrix, but he got all corporate. Sometimes well go out with Jim [Morrison] and Salvador [Dali|, but they get into some freaky shit sometimes.
TM: Like what? G: I dont want to call Jim out, but lets just say that hes a big fan of the Amish.
TM: What about Mennonites? G: No, he doesnt like all the different colored shirts. I think its the blue that gets him.
TM: Well, God, thanks so much for your time. One final question. How will I die? G: You really want to know?
the iladel Posted: 4/26/2006by: s what? why, with the philly sports dis. come on.
schilling's an ex-phil. be nice. and not for nothin, but the birds were in the bowl 2 seasons ago. can't hate on mcnabb. and chase? chase and ryan howard are straight up, whereas a.i. and c.webb are screwy punkass, but not in the worst way.
i'll grant you this -- if my boyce choke and do NOT take the sabres in 7, i will go on a citywide, month-long drunken bitchslapping spree the likes of which have never been seen before or will be repeated. but let's not skin the prisoner til the warden gives the sit.rep, a'ight?
and christine, for your safety i would give a heads up in which bars the bitch-slapping would take place.
and the musach. please don't ever come to philly, 'cause i couldn't risk running into you in person and peeing my pants with hysteria from recognising you from your l'il crooked headshot.
christ, you're funny. TIMMAH Posted: 4/26/2006by: Sully Actually- I think the author is from Phily. Check the bio. That actually makes it funnier. His teams suck so bad, he roots for Boston. Yikerz Posted: 4/25/2006by: TIMMAH This article had some really funny bits, but the flow was, eh... Then I saw the Sox line and realized it was a Boston guy. SO that explains it.
I also realized that I'm now coming to this site more for the witty banter in the talkbacks than the articles. Deuce, Christine, Tom A, Patrick, and Joe Kickass give me the schoolgirl giggles. They're also depraved. Hilariously. Allright bitches Posted: 4/25/2006by: Max Here I am called out, and for once I was away from the computer at a job interview.
Joe, your last sentence claiming Northstar definitely disqualifies you as an authority on snowboarding, and may even constitute stripping you of "Kickass". Northstar is the equivalent of Smirnoff Ice.
Don't try to get me into the ski/snowboard shouting match because I do both.
Thanks to Christine for the plug and to deuce for standing up for my religion, stoned mountain sports.
Good article Musach, and a big shout out to Half Black God. Whoa Posted: 4/25/2006by: That Guy That picture of Kelly Clark really flies in the (acne-riddled) face of Mr. Kickass's (and the NE journal of Med.'s) assertion that snowboarding gals are hot.
Yikes. Joe K. Posted: 4/25/2006by: Tom A Yeah - I was going to include the link, but then it looked like it might be too long and mess up the page (which Charlie doesn't appreciate).
Google "Olympic Snowboarding 2006" and then clicking the second link that comes up: "2006 US Olympic Snowboarding Team."
The pic of Clark is especially good 9and makes the point) at that site. OK I'm a moron. Posted: 4/25/2006by: Joe Kickass Good stuff Tom. Tom A Posted: 4/25/2006by: Joe Kickass I have no idea who those people are. As you're a funny guy, I'm assuming it's pretty funny. Google-ing now. Joe K. Posted: 4/25/2006by: Tom A Gretchen Bleiler told me she punched and maced you when you tried to invade her pipeline.
And then Kelly Clark did the same when you wouldn't try it on her. See Joe Posted: 4/25/2006by: Christine I never really thought of it that way. I care about drinking deeply, there is nothing gay about drinking. I also care about making out in thunderstorms, that is like the opposite of gay, cause its dangerous and shit.
thanks for the enlightenment.
P.S. maybe you are right about location. The pocono mountains are about as bumpy as my dad's heart monitor before he kicked it.
