Baby, its hard for me, a simple man, to tell you this, but I love you. And I hate you. I know, I know, its complicated, but so are you. Youre a mystery wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in low, low everyday prices, and thats why you make my penis stand at attention whenever I hear your name.
Youre the best and the worst. For every bargain rollback that entices me toward your subtle curves, you bitch-slap me in the face with an inept cashier or a lack of available baskets. I cant resist your welcoming and subliminally all-American color scheme. Your friendly greeters ease me inside you and I cant help but ravage your aisles. The big, big savings just make me so hard, baby! Youre such a fucking slut. And I love it.
The climax from pocketing an extra $10.44 in deep discounts is so fucking sweet. Its enough to make me overlook your little faults, like the lack of CDs with explicit lyrics and the carnival sideshow that is your team of Customer Relationship Specialists. Baby, none of that even fucking matters when Im in you. Even though I know youre letting every red-blooded American who loves saving a buck have their way with you.
When Im in the check-out line, one Visa swipe away from orgasm, I forget that I drive a 94 Ford F-150 with 286,000 miles and a bench seat that smells like cheap hookers, Mad Dog and stale Marlboro Reds. I forget that my brother-in-laws girlfriends husband accidentally shot my favorite coon-hound Smelly Joe when we were playing shotgun tag.
You make it so hard for me to love you, baby.
No, maam. None of that matters when Im getting all my errands done in one trip. I mean, FUCK me! Whod have guessed I could get my foodstuffs, huntin gear, a Canadian Tuxedo for my big date with Christi Jo Thompson, tires, a NASCAR bedspread, and some KY (You watch, Im gonna get that fuckin goat one of these days) all in one place! AND Im saving over FIVE dollars on this trip alone! Thats enough for at least an afternoons worth of Skoal and a bag of jerky.
God, Im so fucking in love with you, I dont even know what to do. I just grab your Optical Care Center and take you right in the Portrait Studio. I can almost feel your Lawn & Garden section stuffing my wallet with monster rebates and great deals. I dont usually go that way, really. But for you, Big W, I would.
Youre just such a little slut. God. Where did you learn how to seduce men (and women-folk) alike? Its like you live in my mind (and my penis), because I just lose control. Im like a Kennedy at an open bar. Whats that, baby? Rollback on all Mens Apparel? Im gonna explode!!! Its like youre almost saving me TOO much money! OH! OH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ARRRR! OHHH AH Ahhhhh. Oh baby, ahhh. Yeah mmmm.
Well, I really hate to shop and leave. But, I know you dont mind. Youre a dirty, filthy little tramp and you love it when I mistreat you. Dont you, baby? Wipe those tears off your mini McDonalds caf, Ill be back next Saturday, bright and early. So you get those floors nice and waxed for Daddy, and Ill see you then. Ive gotta go home and take a shower. Being inside you makes me feel soooo dirty, but in a good, thrifty way and thats why I love you. Whore.
note to self Posted: 5/22/2006by: s *get floors waxed for daddy.
hey alriiight. Chunky Posted: 5/22/2006by: Victor French Wal Mart makes me wanna blow chunks into my nappy fuckin' beard. Yawn. Posted: 5/22/2006by: Burt Thaxton Yawn.
Burt Thaxton This article is full of it... Posted: 5/22/2006by: Carter Beef jerky is fucking EXPENSIVE!!! walmart Posted: 5/22/2006by: Bitch Boy Viva la resistance
Don't fall victim to the whore's song, fight the urge for low prices. Exploiting low wage workers in Asia, no big deal, as long as I can get my yoga mat for under 20 dollars. Now, exploiting low wage 'murican workers, I draw the line there. PHWEEEEEEETTT Posted: 5/22/2006by: Ed Hochuli GRB- You're outta here!! Unproved agression warrants an ejection. Be sure to make out your check to Paul Tagliabue and sign and date it. too easy Posted: 5/22/2006by: GRB Rednecks really do make easy targets...don't they? Problem is there are a hell of a lot of non-rednecks rollin' in the Wal-Marts around here...and much like JPM...they roll hard. TARDS Posted: 5/22/2006by: STEVE Is it company policy to have a mongoloid greeter at every Wal Mart or is that just at my local one? I mean retards make excellent baggers, but I don't think they have the social skills to be in the greeting field.
P.S.- The article was fucking terrible. Queen of the cashiers Posted: 5/22/2006by: Megan I resent the inept cashier comment. I mean really, when you see the average IQ of a walmart shopper is lower than the prices, who is really the inept one? Heavy-handed, predicable Posted: 5/22/2006by: eggsngrits I know, I know. Everyone's a critc.
Although, I'll say one thing: that Christi Jo Thompson is HOT.
