Watch any of MTVs craptacular shitcoms and youll see that its no wonder so many single women constantly complain there are no good men left. One gander at the boner-toting, Crisco-haired losers on the Next bus is enough to send any sane woman screaming towards the waiting arms of Ellen and her army of G.I. Joe lesbians. Considering the alternatives, you can hardly blame them. But for those who decide take a dip in the urine-filled dating pool, meet a few of Americas most eligible (and typical) bachelors, all of whom are more than willing to pay for dinner if it comes with a ticket to third base... and just in case you get too drunk, don't worry, they have a year-old Trojan in their wallets.
Bachelor #1 Brent, 25 years old Strategic Investment Management Assistance Associate
Ladies, dont be fooled by the long, seemingly important job title or the fact that he works at one of those big-name investment companies. Hes really just a sniveling turd, who sucks off his six managers and does all of the bullshit busy-work for the real breadwinners at the firm. Because of this, hell take any opportunity in his personal life to exert authority and push around people he feels are less important. Hes the type of guy that will call you a filthy whore in bed, slap you in the face with his cock and finish in your eye. Hed probably secretly film it too, jerking off to it a few times before putting it on the internet for all his buddies to see (Thanks, dude. But more light next time). And that Business degree from UVA that hell mention seven times isnt working out as planned. As soon as his parents kick him out of the guesthouse, he wont be able to afford the Nacho Station at 7-11, let alone a romantic dinner. Steer clear of this guy. If he shows up on your blind date, fake menstrual cramps and tell him you have two kids. Then go home, change the batteries in your vibrator and thank Christ that you didnt let him dry-hump you in his Acura.
Bachelor #2 Slade, 27 years old Retail Manager/Bartender/Model/Actor
No matter what advice youre given, youre going to continue dating this guy as long as hes interested. Because youre stupid and horny. Just like him. His Abercrombie appearance renders everything else temporarily unimportant. You view his four jobs as a sign of motivation, even though his acting experience consists of pretending to be straight for the past 27 years. Hell take more time to get ready than you and his lack of female friends will always have you wondering if he ever rode the Meatpole Express to Starfishville. Youll probably have sex with him a few times before realizing that youre tired of talking about moisturizer, tanning, and hair removal with someone that doesnt have a vagina. And his lack of any body hair makes you feel like youre fucking an infant dolphin. Three months later, youre still single, more disenchanted and slightly less of a virgin. Do yourself a favor and pass on this guy, despite the temptation. Instead, strap a dildo onto a mannequin and go nuts. Youll get the same effect without the headaches or obsessive requests to shave his back.
Baby, just let yourself in after work, I'll be waiting for you... mwah!
Bachelor #3 J.T., 28 years old Construction/Snow Removal
Its easy to fall prey to this hard-working, blue-collar, red-blooded regular Joe. With all the metrosexuals prancing around, his permanent five oclock shadow, calloused hands and wardrobe devoid of pink shirts are all welcome changes. Hes totally different from your ex-boyfriend, and his huge arms and shoulders remind you of a quarterback from the rival high schools football team. And they should. Because he was. And he hasnt changed at all. Run hard and run fast. Theres a reason you stopped giving him handjobs in his parents station wagon. You werent amused when he farted the chorus of Paradise City back then, and it hasnt gotten any funnier or better-smelling now. He still thinks a fun Friday night consists of picking up a case of Bud (or MGD if its payday), playing video games, getting in fights at the pool hall and then banging you for a few minutes before passing out mid-thrust. Date this guy and you risk ending up on an episode of "Cops". The only way out is to act like a bitch at dinner. Talk about money constantly, text message your girlfriends, order the most expensive item on the menu, and when the check comes, slide it to him right away. When you go home, turn on "Cheaters", pour Wild Turkey on yourself, and pass out with a hot dog inside you. What? Doesnt sound like fun? Then you made the right decision passing on Captain Flannel.
The poster children for the Pro-Choice camp.
Bachelor #4 Chris (a.k.a. C-Smooth), 24 years old Student
When a guy refers to himself by his nickname (which sounds like its better suited for a rapper), carries his own pool cue, and has sneakers that are whiter than a Klan rally, theres a good chance hell spend much of the night trying to get you into his souped-up, import car with more Chinese lettering than a carton of Wonton soup. He may try to con you with promises of a dope system, B or some bomb-ass trees, but dont fall for it. The reason hes not trying to take you home is because home is an apartment he shares with a cousin or homeboy in a seedy section of town, close to the local community college where hes only a sophomore. If you can tolerate the conversation about his ill-fated rap career or his plans to start his own production company when he graduates, you deserve everything thats coming to you. In fact, you should probably just take C-Smooths bong and smash yourself in the head with it until youve forgotten everything youve learned in every English class youve ever attended. Then you can head straight for the mall and pick up a second job, because youll need more money to afford all the silver chains and throw-back jerseys that are required to keep MC GrammarCheck from sticking his mic in everything with teased bangs and dark lip liner.
So there you have it: a condensed look at every single guy in America. You know what? Youre probably right. There ARENT any good guys out there. You should probably go get drunk off Apple-tinis and make out with your best friend while her husband films it. And then plays it every Sunday at halftime. There may not be a lot of good guys left, but there are a lot of jerkoffs that are taken. Take comfort in that.
2nd Picture Posted: 8/28/2006by: Miller where is that from...I think its my buddy from college. Not too familiar with the color of his vomit but he is a skinny alchie who fits perfectly in that scenario. Sergeant Posted: 8/19/2006by: GI Jane There doesn't have to be a world full of lame dicks for me to run into the arms of the entire cast of the L Word, bitches. Any woman who wants a screaming orgasm should try it at least a number of times. imxafgzyr dcvslzue Posted: 8/9/2006by: dqmg@mail.com regt zqrhnctmi dhpy rhcjkqubf kalei knhe nrzy adwrme xgvfqrye qglmak habex Posted: 8/9/2006by: grkfh@mail.com deplutmzk vzjakfyqu izuls ojgsvb artipg honplird ainbsdv Man... Posted: 7/25/2006by: Hagges Good article...go Google the Stuntaz and...wow...simply wow...I keep thinking it HAS to be a joke, but...but...I think they're serious. What about my kind? Posted: 7/21/2006by: c The 30-something divorcee sharing a cramped apartment with a manic 6-year-old?
Bitches be breakin' down my door! nice Posted: 7/11/2006by: Elliot Though I am usually hypercritical of this site, (probably because I am a bitter contributor), this is the first one I have given a 5 out of 5. I really liked it. It may be because I sympathize, as I couldn't get laid after stepping off a plane that has just landed in Maui, (get the terrible pun?) but mostly because it is well written. The character portraits are pretty accurate and they are drawn out pretty well. A lot was left out, however, including "Scotty Maseratti", the tan, jacked Italian Stallion who will fight his way to a pretty girl, and "Oliver Friendski", the ugly, gangly loser who gets laid by default because he is such a good listener and "such a good guy, such a really really good, nice guy." Maybe you could cover these fellas in another entry. I would enjoy reading it. Cheers. Pic 3 is the real deal Posted: 7/10/2006by: Gjers I first saw the third picture about three years ago. These walking abortions created a whole website of unmitigated crapulence. BTW, the third vehicle in the background is . . . I shit you not . . . a Ford Ranger. Bling Bling bitches. Third pic Posted: 7/6/2006by: Bitch Boy "Yo, we used ta be bling bling chicken wing and the drummets" Second Pic Caption Posted: 7/6/2006by: That Guy "Oh, sweet - Hank passed out again! Go get Christine and some guacamole, and I'll get the camera!"
