Whats the worst part about using rollerblades? Telling your parents that youre gay.
It seems the same can be said for being a member of NSYNC. Last week in an interview with People Magazine*, band member Lance Bass broke the news that he fucks guys. This information was about as newsworthy as Shaquille O'Neal announcing that he is a big black dude, or Hillary Clinton announcing that shes a giant cunt (substitute Ann Coulter, if you prefer). The only shocking information in the entire article was that the other four band members are still claiming to be straight. However, there were at least two people who were unaware of Lances homosexuality: his parents.
Now granted, parents can be pretty oblivious when it comes to facts about their children that theyd rather not believe. My own parents actually think I graduated from college. But do you mean to tell me that Lance Basss parents didnt know their son was gay until recently? They fucking named their kid Lance! You dont name a kid Lance unless you know hes gay.** My father could have named me Gayson Man Fucker Mathews, and it would have sounded straighter than Lance. Couple this with the fact that hes in a boy band, and there is no possible way that any logical person can feign ignorance of their sons homosexuality.
But hey, if his parents want to play games, thats fine by me. But there was another revelation that came to light in the interview of which his parents can not possibly claim they were unaware: Their son is a delusional douche bag. Just listen to the man in his own words:
People always say, Are you Gay? and I say, No, Im also gay. Its one of the many things that make up me.
Youre also a douche bag! What the fuck, man? Also gay? Wow, thanks. I just assumed that the only thing gay people did at all times was fuck and suck members of the same sex. Thanks for setting me straight (ha!).
Heres a little tip. If you really dont want the fact that you are gay to define who you are, dont develop an Odd Couple-inspired sitcom with Joey Fatone in which you play the gay guy! Thats really not gonna help.
I want people to take away that being gay is a norm. That the stereotypes are out the window.
You sing shitty pop songs while doing choreographed dance routines for thirteen year-old girls. How in the fuck do you figure that you are knocking down stereotypes?
Also, that sitcom you are developing is really going to suck if you dont use stereotypes.
Fatone: Hey, Lance! Lets go play basketball.
Bass:Yes, even though I am a homosexual I enjoy playing sports. I do not fit gay stereotypes.
Cue laugh track!
Ive met so many people like me that its really encouraged me. I kind of call them SAGs-the straight-acting gays. Were just normal, typical guys.
SAGs? SAGs? Oh, I get. Its a play on the word fag! Thats really clever, asshole. What was that you said about tearing down stereotypes?
I love to watch football and drink beer. Wow, I guess you really are a huge Saggott!
The thing is, Im not ashamed.
Well, Lance, you fucking should be. No, not because you are gay, but because you are part of NSYNC! According to MTV.com, your band is similar to the Back Street Boys and B2K, and your major influence is the Spice Girls. You sing songs like Bye, Bye, Bye! You stared in the movie On the Line! All this and you mean to tell me that you dont feel any shame? Jesus Christ! Just knowing all this shit about you fills me with so much shame that I want to hang myself! Fuck you. Youre worse than Hitler!
Im dating this person...were just taking it one day at a time.
HaHaHa!
'Dad, I'm gay. Are you ok with that?'
(My Dads) biggest concern was safety. Diseases, and that type of stuff. Its so funny because the misconception that Middle America has, because they only see that on television.
Yeah, your dad and middle America must have gotten the wrong impression from watching shows like Will & Grace and Queer Eye that constantly depict gay men having unprotected sex in bathhouses. TV is so anti-gay these days.
Hey Lance, leave middle America the fuck alone. The only misconception they picked up from television is that your band isnt a steaming pile of dog shit.
The first thing he went to was Well, you know, its much easier for gay people to get AIDSI was like, Dad, wow!
Yeah, wow, dad. You and middle America are so ignorant. Gay guys cant get AIDS. Theres no risk involved with butt fucking!
Jesus Christ, buddy, your dad is a Southern Baptist from Mississippi, and after you told him you were gay his main concern was for your health! Youre lucky he didnt tie you to the back of his confederate flag-clad pick up truck and drag you to your death! Cut the man some fucking slack.
I got a call from my Mimi, my grandma, my moms mom.
If you were really a SAG, you wouldnt refer to your grandma as Mimi in an interview that will reach millions of people.
She was like, You know what? I may not agree with it, but I love you just the same and youre welcome in my house any time. They took it so well.
I bet they did, Lance. Your Mimi is no fool. Shes not about to tell her meal ticket that she thinks hes going to hell because hes a sodomite. Youre welcome in my house any time. Hmm, maybe thats because you paid for it, and it beats the hell out of a Mississippi nursing home.
Something tells me that if you were a fry cook down at Arbys your Southern Baptist grandma might be a little less tolerant. But hey, now Im stereotyping. Maybe shes what I like to call a SBATG (a Southern Baptist that Actually Tolerates Gays). Were knocking down all kinds of stereotypes today.
Now, a lot of people are going to say, Hey Gayson, why the fuck are you giving this guy such a hard time? It took a lot of courage to do what he did.
First of all, its not courageous for a known homosexual to come out of the closet just in time to help promote the gay-themed sitcom he already has in development. Had some asshole like Jerry Falwell or Pat Robinson come out to People Magazine, that would have been courage. Not Lance fucking Bass.
As to the reason Im picking on him, it could be that my Catholic upbringing is causing me to lash out at this guy. However, I dont think thats true because I have lots of gay friends (well, I dont have any friends, but if I did, some of them would be gayand some would be blackand some would be black gays).
Maybe its because seeing that picture of NSYNC with their shirts off in the pool triggers some uncomfortable feelings that Im desperately trying to repress.
Maybe its because Im jealous of the fact that this gay dude has pulled down more pussy than Ill ever see.
Or maybe, just maybe, its because this guy is clearly a raving fucking douche bag.
* Why are you reading People magazine?
Can you spot the gay guy?
Uh, it was my girlfriends. I swear.
** What about Lance Armstrong? His name is Lance, and hes not gay, you idiot.
Yeah, well, fuck you. He fucked my friends friends girlfriend, so that guy can go fuck himself for all I care.
Superb Posted: 8/22/2006by: Nano Too much...this has got me on the floor laughing. When the "Saggot" announced he was going into space it was just too obvious. I was expecting Michael Jackson and his chimp to join them...Thanks for the good time!!!!! Your Worst Nightmare Posted: 8/9/2006by: Loomis Okay, Mathews may not know where the spell check button is, but leave the cock suck'r hatr' alone! Great Article! I think it is your Best yet!
Who's surprised? Posted: 8/9/2006by: Sid This isn't shocking news! It's not even fit to be news worthy yet it's a major headline... ridiculous!!!! I'm a straight guy and you can crack on my all you want, but I am friends with plenty of gay guys, they are cool dudes and they have been callin this for years. Any group that ever organizes dance moves is nothing more than glorified broadway performers.
What is this 1963, who gives a crap who's gay? Is it more important than a major war, global warming, and ridiculous gas prices? If it is, the religious right is winning and screwing up the world! get those tools Posted: 8/8/2006by: bob out of the water before they rust. meow? Posted: 8/7/2006by: matt "u mispelled rollerblades"
you misspelled the words "you" and "misspell." ever heard of the phrase pot calling the kettle black? learn how to spell before you crack out the grammar nazi, dipfuck. yay Posted: 8/7/2006by: Johnny I love it. Nice work, Gayson. Gayson Man Fucker Mathews Posted: 8/7/2006by: goatlover officially off the baby name list
"even though I am a homosexual I enjoy playing sports. I do not fit gay stereotypes."
"Cue laugh track!"
wonderful! meow Posted: 8/7/2006by: andrew u mispelled rollerblades ... Posted: 8/6/2006by: DoDonPachi Excellent article there chief. I was looking at that cover and was like so fuckin what, this turd tappin teabaggin hasbeen contribution to the world is what-the second worst boy band in the country? Being gay is just as courageous as being black or being a jew or having a baby dick. Hell someone needs ot give me a cover then." World, i'm a negro! Wheres my sitcom?" SAGGOT Posted: 8/5/2006by: Nate That says it all man....classic.
