By the time you read this, Ill be dead. Or maimed. Or maybe just napping. Im really not sure. Im kind of playing it by ear.
Dont get me wrong, Im definitely going to kill myself. Crippling depression coupled with the sad realization that my life will never rise above the level of mediocre has solidified my decision to shed this earthly coil ASAP. But it seems like every time I try to end it all, something comes up.
I really meant to do it this past week but I got pretty wrapped up in the NCAA semis and I wanted to see how that panned out. But as soon as they were over (Let's go Cardinals!) I was ready to end this charade I call life when suddenly, Superman 2 came on TNT.
Superman 2 is by far my favorite in the series. Thats the one with General Zod and his two cohorts from Krypton, and Lois finds out that Clark is Superman (duh). A lot of people prefer Superman 3 with Richard Pryor but that ones too jokey for me.
I heard theyre making a new Superman and originally they were talking about casting Nicholas Cage as the Man of Steel. What?! Are you kidding me!? Come on Hollywood!
But anyways, I got really into that, and by the time the movie was over it was pretty late, so I decided to do the deed the next day.
So when I woke up that morning, I was like, Alright Mike, its go time, and I went downstairs to get a knife. But when I got to the kitchen I realized that I was pretty hungry and decided to grab a bite, because hey, even guys on death row get a last meal!
I remembered that I had a twenty dollar gift certificate for the IHOP. I won it by calling into Classic Rock 98.5 and answering the Lunch Time Drive-In Trivia Question, what band first recorded the Paul McCartney penned song, Come and Get it? (Badfinger).
So I went down to the IHOP and PIGGED OUT! I figured, why not? No need to stick to the South Beach at this point! It was sooooooo good! (Mike+Strawberry Filled Pancakes+Butter Pecan Syrup=Happy!) But as soon as I was done, I rushed home to end my life.
I got back to the kitchen where, wouldnt you know it, there was not a clean knife in the place. They were all in the dishwasher, which had just finished its cycle and was waiting to be emptied. Now, my roommates and I have a little rule in our house. The first one to use a clean dish out of the dishwasher has to empty it. And I always end up getting stuck doing it! Nate and Chad would just let it sit there forever if they had their way. And I have a sneaking suspicion that they frequently use a clean dish and then just lock it back up and wait for Mike the Sucker to empty it anyways.
Zod and That Lady
Well I refused to have my last act on earth be emptying the dishwasher, so I decided to find another way to abandon my mortal vessel.
Then I remembered that famous people like to kill themselves by eating a bunch of pills. So I figured that might be kind of a cool way to go. I started scrounging around the house for some drugs. Unfortunately, all that I could track down were five Tylenol PM, four Immodium AD and a handful of Sucrets. Not exactly what you would consider a lethal combo, but I figured Id give it a shot anyways and I swallowed the whole gang.
As you probably guessed, the dose didnt kill me, but for one reason or another it did make me crap like a madman! I was on the pot for so long that I was too tired when I got off to even think about committing suicide. So I decided to finish myself off the in the morning.
The next day, I planned to kill myself by parking my car in my garage and leaving the engine running, the way a young John Cusack tried to do it in the cult 80s movie Better Off Dead. Which still holds up as pretty funny flick even though its really dated. Check it out.
So I pulled the old Tempo into the garage and anticipated that the next voice I heard would be that of St. Peter, welcoming me to Paradise.
Instead, it was my neighbor Steve, with whom we share a garage. He was doing some work on his fence and wanted to borrow my post-hole digger. I told him that was fine and we both went back about our business. Unfortunately, Steve was in and out of the garage so much getting tools that the carbon-monoxide kept escaping. So after six hours, not only was I not dead, I was low on gas and had a killer headache. I went back inside, cheated by death once again. I went to bed with my head pounding and no relief in sight as I had taken all the Tylenol PM the night before. (When it rains it pours!)
So here I am now. Poised to leap off of the Rocky River Metropark bridge. Ready to plummet into the sweet abyss that is eternity. But you know, now that I really look at it, this might not be high enough of a jump to kill me.
I had thought about driving to the Independence Overpass bridge. Now that babys high! That definitely would have done it. But its kind of far and I would have had to stop to get gas. ($2.21 a gallon, F-That!).
Wish I Had One!
I just called down to some kids who were fishing below me and they answered. That probably means Im not high enough.
Oh elusive Grim Specter of Death, when will you finally harvest this wayward soul!?
Its cold up here. I think Ill mosey home and watch some E! Network.
the evil brother Posted: 5/9/2006by: cory Damn, Some people just dont have any luck. I think that you should kill yourself, or have one of your friends do it because you are just way to unlucky to properley do itI have never read anything about anyone so unlucky. I am utterly alone... Posted: 1/25/2006by: ad By the time you read this I will be gone. Having jumped (scratch that) having plummeted off the winter river bridge.
Beautiful article none Posted: 1/11/2006by: Bob Wow really phoned this one in huh...Wrote the striped shirt story and now you're content to just live off that. Whatever, I'd probably do the same thing if I was you.
I mean I get it, you had the idea to write about a guy who wanted to kll himself but he was also lazy... sort of a funny concept, you just didn't do much with it. But hey if you're getting paid to write these stories, Keep it up....Doesn't matter if they're funny or not. YOU MADE ME SMILE.....fanks! Posted: 12/7/2005by: shireen motaghedi WHO EVER YOU ARE<,Damn caps lock)Who ever you are, you made me smile tonight, as well as laugh out loud. Thanks.......whooooah what's that smell? ooooohhhhhh it's your your breaty blowing back in you face. ok you really made me laugh. your frinds seem to way. They should SSSSHHHHHHH. YOU MADE ME SMILE.....fanks! Posted: 12/7/2005by: shireen motaghedi WHO EVER YOU ARE<,Damn caps lock)Who ever you are, you made me smile tonight, as well as laugh out loud. Thanks....... Great stuff Posted: 6/2/2005by: NLH Don't listen to these wanabe haters, Mike. That article was fucking great. Anything can be funny and this shit was hilarious. slave Posted: 4/17/2005by: Zod's slave Bwahahaha...kneel before Zod!!! lol Posted: 4/14/2005by: L that was awesome Quitter Posted: 4/7/2005by: Skrid jr Fuckin' quitter. Maybe that's why your life will never rise above the level of mediocre. Gen Zod Posted: 4/4/2005by: Gen. Zod The best part of this terrible story was mentioning the all powerful and all knowing General Zod. Well...that and posting my picture. If you want to die, kneel before Zod and I will finish your stupid life anyway. You humans should all be my slaves. Gen Zod
