(Note: Read with a Stan Lee voice seriously) They walk among us, my friend. They do. Theyre everywhere, like Wilt Chamberlains illegitimate children. Mutants are here, just like the X-Men, but less heroic. These are real-life evolutionary mutants. Of course, they dont have adventures and fight injustice like the comic book heroes, but they do have powers. Non-mutant human beings can only envy their astonishing abilities. We watch in bewilderment and can't even comprehend how they do it. We regard them as exceptional. History will know them as the X-Douchebags.
Human name: Wilmer Valderrama Mutant name:Wilmerine
Bio: This guy has mutant powers coming out of his fucking ass. Hes amazing. He took Mandy Moores virginity and swept up Carson Daleys sloppy seconds. He even fucked Jessica Simpson's sister in a very uncomfortable place. Wilmer has the impressive ability to attract multiple annoying, talentless, second-rate Hollywood actresses into sexual encounters. It is even more impressive when you consider the fact that he is officially in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the only guy named Wilmer to ever get laid. Ever. What a dumb fucking name. How did he break into the business with a name like that? Even Greg Brady had to become "Johnny Bravo." You shouldn't be on television with the name "Wilmer." You should fix sinks.
Nice Stern interview, by the way. I wonder why every Hollywood star doesn't go on the radio and yack about every broad he's bagged. It might be because they enjoy banging multiple famous stars, and would like to continue to do so. Wilmer's ability to cock-block himself has shocked us all. I suppose he is too busy for chicks anyway.
Lets take a step back for a moment and look at Wilmers track record so far. Okay underage and illegal Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson, and the CHiPs remake? Wilmer Valderrama has the taste of a guy whose tongue has been pulled through a paper shredder and covered with napalm.
Human name: Kevin Federline Mutant names: K-Fed, Popo Zau, White Trash
Did somebody step in dogshit? Oh, it's K-Fed.
Bio: K-Fed is one mother-fucking piece of shit mutant as well; nevertheless, he has some dazzling abilities. First of all, hes a white dude with cornrows who is also a professional dancer. Ever more amazingly, he harnessed the mystical ability to morph a smoking hot, larger-than-life, sex symbol, pop star into a barefoot, cigarette-lipped, retard factory.
Britney: Fuck, (cough cough), I dropped the fuckin kid again. I almost spilled my Pabst Blue Ribbon. Who's winning NASCAR? Where's my smokes?
K-Fed:Bitch, shut the fuck up. Dont you know Im smoking weed and orderin shit off E-bay with yo credit card. Step off, ho!
Im sure Britney was heading in this direction anyway, but K-Fed really sped up the whole progression. K-Feds major weakness is his inability to recognize imminent failure. This is proven in the video on the internet where he is in the studio waving his arms all over the fucking place, listening to "Popo Zau" (his new "joint"). Attention, Tupacs killer, if youre out there K-Fed is in Vegas all the time. Im not trying to suggest anything. Shit, Im just looking out for the guys album sales. Ask 50 cent and The Game. The whole I got the shit shot out of me angle is huge in the hip-hop industry these days. I'm just trying to hook Popo up. Just an idea, Tupacs killer; do with it what you will.
Human name: Mel Kiper Jr. Mutant names: Draft Guru, Melneto, Hairpocalypse,
Mind-blocking helmets are numeral uno.
Bio: Why would good ole Mel be on this list? Why, you ask? Because he is a mother-fucking mutant. Thats why. Mels special ability is no mystery at all. It is obviously mind-control powers. How else would someone land a job where they get to guess things all day, and in the end, it doesnt really matter if theyre wrong? Reggie Bush didn't go number one, fuckface. You were wrong. Give someone else a turn. Mel Kiper Jr. has one of the cushiest jobs in America. You know that Mel ahs staffers that do all of his research for him too. My mutant power of extreme jealousy is growing. Fuck. I need to dive into this job market. What other complete crapshoot could I make predictions about? It would have to be something that no one would give a fuck about if I was wrong. Hmmmm. Anyone looking to hire a coin-toss analyst?
The head side of the quarter is looking really flat. Im thinking that there is about a 50% chance that heads might come up when we flip.
Damn. I could be rich. Anyway, continuing on, it is rumored that Mel uses his ferociously awesome hairstyle in a style similar to Magneto. He sports the overemphasized T.V. hair to keep other mind control mutants from invading his head. Do you have any idea what the implications could be if evil mutants were able to steal his thoughts and realize who the Browns MIGHT take in the fourth round eight weeks before the draft? If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.
Bravo! Posted: 5/2/2006by: Burt Thaxton Wow. Thank you for saying exactly what needs to be said about three colossal douches. I've been hating Wilmer for years now, and I was never really sure why. I felt guilty. Now, I feel my hatred was justified, and I've attained closure. Thank you. Bravo.
Burt Thaxton
P.S. - This article messed up my god danged top ten. Wilmar Posted: 5/1/2006by: Jed Dude, Yo Momma is off the hook. I dont know what u are talking about IMPISSED Posted: 5/1/2006by: wilmer V Wow I don't know whether to be honored or offended. I get a good review on this site one week and then the next week I'm Street Fez the pedophile!? WTF? I can't tell if you want to see me die, or want to be me, or just want to see me die because you can't be me, so I say good day to you. I say good day!
PS Mandy was about as close to being a virgin as I am to white. You shouldn't believe all the crap publicists say to make me money. But she was tighter than a pair of Kellie Pickler's jeans. Yo' Mama!?!?! Posted: 5/1/2006by: Provo All I have to say is WTF!?!??! Best picks for overall douche-baggery..... I HATE KIPER, and Fes (Now Street Fes) is the queerest person to get the tail he's gotten....he's starrting to give Scott Baio a run....(although, Baio is WAY cooler...)
Great article..... Best of the Day Posted: 5/1/2006by: Tom A You get the Bag O' award, Juan.
Get busy. Wilmer Posted: 5/1/2006by: Joe Kickass I would love to watch him get sucked into the intake of a commercial aircraft. His show is the stupidest thing on TV not ending with the word "Factor". Like the back of a volkswagon Posted: 5/1/2006by: Annalisa Great Mallrats reference...
Fabo article! Excellent Posted: 5/1/2006by: Bert Good Work! Wilmer's list of hotties he has been with is incredible, almost as impressive as David Spade's. AWESOME Posted: 5/1/2006by: KYLE What a great article to start off my Monday morning. You couldn't of picked better characters, I mean people, for this article. Can someone please remind me how they managed to become famous. Oh yea, because of their shitiness! Thanks for the good laugh Juan! Hilarious Posted: 5/1/2006by: Tom Mc Mel Kiper got the job because Mel Kiper Sr. had been in that business forEVER
And as far as Fez is concerned, given his physical and mental shortcomings, he didn't do too bad for himself. As well as I know most of the guys who post on this site, and that's not well at all, I would conclude that NO ONE would kick Lohan, Ashlee Simpson (not to say I wouldn't donkey punch the hell out of her), or even a 2006-britney out of bed. Even if its just to say you took that down. I know this to be true.
Kevin Federline deserves no attention or discussion of any sort, he is a non-entity.
