Well, I have my thick, gold chain, my khaki trousers, and some shiny,new wing-tips. My hair is all greased back and I smell like Old Spice. This is going to be a great night of chick-getting for me! Oh wait which shirt should I wear tonight?
Hmmmm. I have my normal button-downs, my fancy sweaters, or some silky and shiny club shirts.
No. Not tonight. That just wont do. I need something that will really make a statement. I want to elevate the limits of being awesome to the heights of unattainable hopelessness. I need to start my own fashion trend.
I could wear my high school varsity jacket from 8 years ago. That would reel in some babes. I had five touchdowns in a game once. Coach took me out on the four yard-line or I would have had six. The varsity jacket thing might really take off.
I better not. I wouldnt want to get it all smoky-smelling or anything. Maybe I could wear my F.B.I. (Female Booty Inspector) shirt. I am unbelievably hilarious at all functions in which I wear it. People point and laugh all night.
These are all great ideas, but I just cant put my finger on the greatest idea of all. Its on the tip of my tongue, but I just cant figure it out. What shirt could I wear that would show the world that I am a total badass?
Wait. I have it. I can wear my skin-tight Under Armor; workout shirt to the bar! That is a fan-fucking-tastic idea! Yeah, the same undersized shirt that I wear to run and lift weights, would be perfect for chick-getting. I thank God that I am as smart as I am huge. If my buddies were here, this would definitely call for a group high-five. My skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt looks great tucked into my pleated khakis. My oversized, thick, gold chain sets the whole ensemble off.
Fuck those jealous assholes who yell, Hey, Kool Moe Dee, wheres Fab Five Freddy? every single time I walk down the street. Im sorry I found a good deal at Gold-By-The-Inch at the mall. My arms are as huge as mountains. Enough with the bullshit wisecracks! While were on that topic, I am not any of the various Yo! MTV Rap artists that you call me while you and your friends drive past and whip beer bottles and burrito wrappers at my head. A young white man is fully capable of sporting a thick, gold chain, even if it is un-tucked and dangling over a skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt. Youre lucky I cant get my hands on you. I am super strong. You should be able to realize that by noticing that I have a skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt on at the bar. I punched a guy so hard one time, he pooped his pants. Then I kicked him in the ass and made shit come out his nose. Consider my skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt as a warning that I am a deadly, precise, killing machine that gets all kinds of chicks. They can appreciate a man at the club who wears a shirt that regulates body temperature. My muscles are as huge as buildings.
On the rare occasion that girls are not hounding me like I am a God, I have found my skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt is great for drinking as well. I can usually attract a few lovely ladies by showing off my chugging skills. Nothing says Take me home and bang me like beer being dispensed down my throat at a thunderous pace.
Occasionally, I have been known to dump entire draft beers straight down my chest while exhibiting my incredible chugging powers. While wearing my skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt, the waterfall of alcohol only cools me off. Those shirts hide stains better than Michael Jacksons linen lady. I guess the best way to put it, is that I am completely an unstoppable force while wearing my skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt to the bar. There isnt much in the universe that I cant accomplish when I have it on. I think about joining Ultimate Fighting sometimes but I am about to be named night-manager at the supplement store and I get 15% off.
All of the attention I get from my skin-tight, Under Armor, workout shirt is surprisingly, not always positive. Every once in a while, some dick will yell, Hey Fuckface, why do you think they call it UNDER Armor? They are trying to insinuate that the shirt is only meant for under-clothing purposes. I have one response for those people. It is usually a period of growling, accompanied by Fred Flintstone-esque fist waving. If that doesnt work, I pace back and forth and act like Im about to go crazy. Other assholes enjoy shouting, Hey Asswipe, are you PROTECTING THIS HOUSE!?!? Very clever, they are implementing Under Armors advertising slogan into an insult based on the fact that I am dressed like a complete shithead. I usually dont respond to that comment because there is commonly a lot of laughter which tends to drown out my voice. All I can say is that I was super-awesome looking the last time I flexed in the bathroom mirror, which was four minutes ago. I better go check myself out again.
fucking hilarious Posted: 11/3/2005by: DOG the Bounty Hunter Hey broseph, If you think that wearing the underarmor to the bar will get you ladies just try goin on a bounty in it. My wife Beth will tell you all about it. Oh Beth and your bohemith breasts and sharp tongue. That ultimate fighting is for pussies they should come to Hawaii and try to run from me. Even Chuck Lidell is no match for my family force. Leland, Young Blood, little Dick(youngblood junior) and the DOG himself! You should also try the Oakley thump mp3 sunglasses that way you can play your own themesong when you drink and flex. . Posted: 11/3/2005by: Travis Although this article is very similar to the striped shirt, it is still funny. That is very impressive. He was sble to tell an old joke in a new funny perspective. That takes more talent than it would to write something original. Kelsey Posted: 11/3/2005by: Christine I agree completely. Fucking look at! hahahahahha. That is awesome.
Eugene, die a thousand deaths. Steve Posted: 11/3/2005by: Mike S What color? I think neon blue looks best as an FYI. Wow Posted: 11/3/2005by: brian now thats a sight to burn your eyes
Spandex should be outlawed
No wonder Lance Armstrong lost a nut it got fucking choked off. SPANDEX Posted: 11/3/2005by: STEVE I wear spandex shorts at night to accent my bulge. It looks like a fat vagina, but anyway. The only bad part is when I get a stinger, the precoidal on my tip gets on the spandex and leaves a loadish stain. Not cool. But then I roll over and jerk off into an old tube sock. Protect This Gut Posted: 11/3/2005by: Dylan B. You left me out of your treatise, you asshole.
I look fucking dead sexy in my Under Armor!
Ralph "Fridge" Friedgen Eugene Posted: 11/3/2005by: matt I like how everyone that doesn't agree with you is a Marxist. I think you have a strong future in The Fox News Network; fair and bablnced just like your comments. Sausage Posted: 11/3/2005by: brian I have a shirt just like these in the article. Believe me they dont get me any pussy.... Well I have a very well rounded beer gut. And its paid for. I look like a sausage in this shirt but hey Im happy. hahahah Fucking look at it! Posted: 11/3/2005by: Kelsey Still the funniest line I've come across on this site. Might be tied with the line about cats actually being really gay dogs (50 desrving a beating)
