Rabble rabble. Its really all a haze to me. There are bits and pieces, memories, and blurs. The mid-eighties fucked my shit up. We were on top. No one could touch us. That fuckin rabbit? A leprechaun? Please. We got so many kids fat, it was ridiculous. Our shit was so cheap, parents couldnt resist. Ron kept it all together. Grimace held the money. Birdie kept the books. Me? I stole peoples hamburgers. I made my number-one target of burglary a 69-cent, mother-fucking hamburger. Peoples jaws still drop when they hear that the beloved Hamburglar was a raging coke-fiend. I wore a Zorro hat, mask, and cape. I wore an inmate jumpsuit. I stole hamburgers. What in the hell did you think was going on? Did you think that I was really, really hungry, but broke? Didnt you realize that I was on T.V. and plastered all over your fucking happy meal box? I was a rich mother-fucker. Why would I need to steal hamburgers? Hindsight is 20/20, huh? It was hamburgers and coke, twenty-four seven. Rabble rabble.
Things went pretty well until Ron fucked Birdie and caught the bird-flu. It was some sick shit. His skin melted off and his eyes liquefied. It was a real pussy-ass way to go out. Birdie died soon after. No one really realized. She was always the shittiest member of the McDonalds gang anyway.
Grimace went on the Subway diet and dropped all kinds of weight. It was so much work for a guy who was purple. I always told him, Hey, fuckface, youre purple. Even if you were sculpted like a Greek god, no woman would ever touch you. Eat what you want and get as bent as possible
He just waved his arms up and down and hopped. Thats all that shitface ever did. He got super-skinny, and remained purple. What a dumbass. He is homeless now and a freakish sight, indeed. I find him on the street about once a month and beat the shit out of him. Rabble rabble.
As for the Fry Guys, they stepped on some toes and paid the consequences. I guess the Pac-Man Ghosts werent too pleased with the uncanny resemblance the Fry Guys held to them. A gigantic knife battle ensued. You cant stab ghosts. We all miss those hippy-ass, dreadlocked, freakbags. They never said anything or really had a purpose. Im pretty sure that McDonalds advertising execs threw them in the mix to insult the intelligence of the American public. They were like, Hey, what can we get away with?
Another exec answered, Lets have a giant piece of shit that just sits there and steams!
No way, replied another suit, we can have a whole bunch of handle-less mops that have giant eyes and blink. They wont do anything cool, but well name them after french fries and laugh as our empire grows.
If you think about it, we were the craziest mother-fucking characters ever thought of. How in the hell did it all work? A clown, a bird, a fat-purple-blob, three mops, some nuggets, a mayor with a hamburger for a head, and a hamburger-stealing convict, dressed like Zorro, built the largest fast-food marketing empire of the eighties. Wheres the Beef? was so two seconds. Even with our dominance and lengthy streak of fame, its really crazy how fast you can tumble from the top. While my companions have all shit their careers down the drain, I have held on and waited. My new idea will put The Hamburglar back on the map. Rabble rabble.
You know those Burger King commercials with the King scoring all those touchdowns? Picture this. The King catches a pass over the middle. I emerge from the middle linebacker position and clothesline him across his neck with a thunderous, neck-cracking blow. As he reaches for his throat in a desperate struggle for breath, the ball slips from his royal grip. I slam his face into the ground, crushing his skull. I pick up the ball and return it 63 yards for a touchdown. Then I could spike the ball and steal all of his hamburgers. He would have so many hamburgers too. God, that would be so awesome. It would be the biggest score ever. McDonalds would once again soar to the head of the fast-food advertising standings. God, I am so smart. Rabble rabble. Now, all I have to do is wait patiently. McDonalds knows where to find me. Hit me up. Rabble Rabble.
Hahaha Posted: 11/26/2005by: Tom Mc Keep em coming. That was hysterical. Those Fry Guys were the worst, they brought nothing to the table.
And Ronald always creeped me out, like in a weird Uncle sort of way Original and Funny Posted: 11/23/2005by: GZA Great work Juan.
"It was hamburgers and coke, twenty-four seven." Sounds like my weekends. That Whore Wendy Posted: 11/22/2005by: JOHNNY B I read that "Wendy" was blowing Ronald McD to try and get the much coveted fry recipe and she was working for the all powerful Burger King.
Question: What's with all the red headed characters??? If these characters had kids with each other would they banjo playin, Deliverance, porch sitting retard mutants??? Is that why Carl loves french fried potaters with mustard mmmm mmmm?? Alex Posted: 11/22/2005by: Max Mayor McCheese is the hamburglar's nemesis. Always hating on homeboy for his larcenous lifestyle and playa persona. Fuck that guy -- I don't blame the burglar for neglecting him in this great article.
Good work, Turlingon. Wow Posted: 11/22/2005by: Alex Juan, that was awesome!
I could have used more Mayor McCheese refrences, but, all in all, incredible job. Good Posted: 11/22/2005by: JP Funny article. I am surprised there was no mention of Mayor McCheese, McDonald's ambassador of fat. maybe Posted: 11/22/2005by: Derek Christine, I think you've got the answer right in your hands (no, not your funbags).. it's the 22nd. Duece duece if you will.
Good article man, one of your best. I'd like to get hamburgler's red tie to wear to work one day.
shit mcnugget?? Posted: 11/22/2005by: deuce wow, you R&D guys are a crazy bunch.. i bet you also used to call the hamburglar "turdburglar" behind his back too...
all aboard the laugh train!!!! wait, not you Ray. Juan Posted: 11/22/2005by: Christine I think you get better and better with each article. This was very creative and you took something that could have sucked to a very funny level. Thank you.
On a side note, why is Tuesday, 11/22/05, Deuce bashing day??? I didn't get the memo and I don't like it. make it stop. McDonald Land Rules Posted: 11/22/2005by: Ray Krok As the founder of McDonalds I loved the free advertising this article just gave my fabulous chain of culinary treats.
Did you know that the chicken McNuggets or shit McNuggets as we liked to call them in R&D are actually made from all of the doodie that we collect out of the ball pits in our Playlands? You would be amazed at how many full diapers we collect out of those pits on a daily basis.
